relationships

the manifesto of encouragement

right now:

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.

Someone you haven't met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.

Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God's children.

A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, "nourish them."

Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favourite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you -- for free.

Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals and passes on.

The next great song is being rehearsed.

Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their heart chakras and wrapping it around the earth.

Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.

Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they'll be thriving like never before. They just can't see it from where they're at.

Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want -- and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in it's reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all "So worth the wait."

Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche -- this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you.

Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest.

Someone is fighting the fight so that you don't have to.

Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, and your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe. Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.

Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead. Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable. Someone is curing the incurable.

You. Me. Some. One. Now.

. . . . . . .

So...Why do you want what you want?
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xo

 

hot song: let my love open the door, pete townsend

{if you're viewing this via RSS, click "POP OUT PLAYER" button or the post title above to hear the song. The playlist is not empty, despite how it appears in RSS readers.}

If you don't want throw open the curtains, air drum and whirl like a hot loving dervish when this song hits its peaks...well...then you need to open the door to your heart, baby.

 

the divinity of the suck factor

"There will always be suffering. The trick is to not suffer over the suffering."
- Alan Watts, Zen master

One of my best friends and I have a sick tradition. We get excited about each others' hardship. One of us will be sniffling through an out-pour of angst about how wrenching a particular life lesson is, and isn't it crazy how when it rains it pours with shitty news, and turmoil, and big life do-overs. You know, those excruciating disappointments and Tough Spots - the kind that require a friend to help you navigate.

Sniffle. Silence.

And then the listener on the other end of the line replies, “Holy suck factor. But, you know ... I’m kinda excited for you.” And then the other one of us blows her nose and says, “Yeah, I know, it's great.” And we're not joking. But we laugh at that absurdity and our sheer effing moxy, and then the other person goes back to whingeing and processing while the listener resumes her role as the receptacle of angst out-pour.

And we believe it. We believe in the divinity of the suck factor. It's an implicit, and lived, and affirmed understanding: that the universe trades up. That as Camus and kd lang said, "In the depth of winter I found in me there was an invincible summer." Or as Nietzsche and Bruce Willis put it, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Or at least more expanded. And that's very exciting. And excitement about getting to the other side is just what you need to get there.

 

the ‘as in the beginning’ buddha rule

There is a Buddhist saying:

As in the beginning, so in the middle, so in the end.

...and it's one of my life compasses. It never fails me and it's nearly always proven true.

Things often continue how they start. The click, the comfort, the clarity ... or the lack thereof, is there at the get-go and whatever the dynamic is, it’ll just keep going to greater or lesser degrees.

IGNORE EARLY SIGNS AT YOUR OWN PERIL

I was looking to hire an important player for one of my businesses and got set up with Start Up Guy. Start Up Guy blew off our first scheduled meeting entirely. He stood me up and didn't call for two days to reschedule (I'm not sure he even apologized to my assistant.) But he was so seemingly qualified and connected that I chose to ignore the As-In-The-Beginning-Rule, and hired him anyway. Do I need to tell you how that middle and end went? Yep. In one way or another he continued to stand me up, until it all came down.

I met another person who, in our first meeting expressed how nervous she was about our differences and my acumen. I just smiled to be kind. We worked together for quite a while. She kept being nervous. I kept being polite. Until anxiety got the better of her, and my silence brought out the worst in me...and it all came down.

EASY DOES IT, AND DOES IT GOOD

When I’m tempted to take short cuts or ignore early flags, I remind myself that the most fab, wonderful, sustaining experiences and relationships in my life all began incredibly easily. Spark! Yes! And Go!

Each one of my soul sisters was love and bad laughs at first site. I first met my husband at a birthday party and he talked to me about DH Lawrence and life. It was a slow burn of intrigue and candor and chemistry with just the right amount of awkward. Ten years later: same hot dynamic with varying degrees of awkward. My best clients began with amazing conversations in bars and at conferences. My worst clients began with sales pitches and grilling about how to save money. My best writing always begins with the first paragraph pouring out like electricity.

My most fruitful yeses were immediate.

Examine your first encounters and kick-offs. They may be a micro of the macro. You have oodles of critical information in the beginning if you’re paying very close attention.

And if you don't buy it from Buddha or me, then take it from Maya Angelou who says, "The first time someone shows themselves to you, believe them."

You know it, babe.

. . . . . . . . .

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hot song: what you thought you need, jack johnson

"Well I can't give you everything you want but I could give you what you thought you need ... it's all for the sake of arriving with you."

 

for rage-babes, flakes and tyrants: get over it

We are the sum total of our experience. And undeniably, it is our past ... as well as our essential spirit - that informs our character, whether that past is recent or centuries gone by. The altered state a-ha’s I’ve had about possible past lives, the insights I've had on acid in my twenties (except for that one really paranoid trip where I couldn't talk for three hours,) and the wit from gifted therapists and wise girlfriends has helped me to explain the fears and flaws that I've been dragging with me for years.

It is essential to whole living that you get to the source of your pain and screwed up choices. What happened in your childhood or another life informs patterns in your current reality. But sooner or later, you’ve simply got to get over using yesterday to explain today’s behavior.

Decide to just get over it. Let it be that simple.

For most of us who had normally dysfunctional upbringings (I’m not talking about suffering exceptional atrocities or repetitive abuses,) our past is no excuse to continue being a flake, a tyrant, obnoxiously needy, or a rage-babe. Look, we’re all terrific for going to therapy, for having past life insights, and reading Wayne Dyer. Yeah for the New Age. Really. But knowing why you’re so screwed up is only half the journey.

“My father never told me I’m pretty, so now I’m fat.”
“I was a pilgrim burned at the stake in my past life so now I’m afraid to voice my opinions.” (more...)

 

what would love do?

We crave it. We die for it. We try to pay for it. We aspire, we mire, we miss the mark. In the unending, coiling, incessant pursuit of being right and good enough to find love and get love and give love, we forget about the very nature of love itself.

Love gets buried beneath political correctness and spirituality; behind "I" statements and neutrality; tradition, company policy, apparently healthy boundaries and self protection; and commonsense. The understandable, habitual structures of thought that keep our egos from being derailed can effectively keep love on the other side of the tracks.

Maybe before we cross-check ourselves against the rules and what's familiar and acceptable, we should root ourselves down into a more elegant measurement of behavior: "What would Love do?" It's a question that burns away the mist and the noise. It stops clocks. "What would Love do?" Even cynics have to pause. You can say that love doesn't have a place in court or international relations or economics. But Love isn't stupid.

And Love isn't blind. She isn't a push over. When you make Love the first priority you're taking your place in true power. When you Love yourself first, you can balance the scales. Love knows what harmony feels like, and doesn't care so much what it looks like on the outside, or to others. She is centered and inclusive. Love is frequently dignified -- unless she's required to flip her lid. He is gentle and strong. He bends -- unless what's best is to digs his heels in. She rewards. He comforts. He strikes. She waits. He speaks. She is silent.

So try it out. It may feel awkward. Before a big meeting, when you're shopping, before you dump the chump, when it seems clear that the only game to play is hardball, ask, "What would love do?" Love may still choose to play hardball -- "ruthless" and "loving" are not mutually exclusive terms -- and we should know that if we are going to make any progress at all. Love may make demands. Love may crumble in apology, love may weep with humility and grace. She may run into burning buildings. He may genuflect.

Love knows what's best for every situation.
Love transcends policy and history.
Love innovates.
Love is everything we've been asking for.

 

this most alive moment

 

After the Wedding

pure humanity, pure acting

 

The Piano

find your voice