authenticity

the declaration of deserving…just because you’re here

I've been asking around: "What do you think you're entitled to?" "What do you know that you deserve?"

Mikki Baloy Davis, a Facebook friend nailed it with this: "I'm always curious about this question...for me it brings up the distinction between "deserving" - which implies reward or merit - and "worthy" which is unconditional." I got a witness.

Holy-loaded questions will get you some passionate answers: "I'm not entitled to a damn thing. But I deserve love." "I don't deserve anything, everything needs to be earned." "I'm entitled to be on the planet, I work for the rest." "I deserve right pay for right work...a foot rub and to be fanned and fed grapes...no less, no more than another...to be seen, heard, acknowledged...love, respect, fun, and money. Love...Love...Love..."

We're such hard workers. Hardened, some of us, from working so hard to deserve what we want. Working to earn. Earning more...work. Earning your keep is a viscous cycle, you know. Where as, believing in your implicit worth liberates you to create more value for the world you serve.

Of course, people with entitlement issues are goddamn irritating. They want more than they're willing to give upfront. They operate in a fog of hunger and conflicting intentions. Entitled types are frantic below the surface because they don't trust that they can feed themselves. What they need is a long hug and then to be sent off for some solo time, without credit cards.

Deserving and worthiness...these are the notions that get to the pulse of our consciousness and esteem.

If you don't believe you have the right to be here, there will never be enough space for your true self to show up. If you think you need to earn your actual desires, you're putting miles, years, between you and fulfillment. So many of us don't even give ourselves permission to want what we want. This is the great tragedy of a malnourished spirit.

a declaration of deserving:

You are worthy of your desires. Really wanting what you want gives you the power to get it. You were born free. (The more you try to earn your freedom, the more trapped you become.) You are worthy of love and respect. Lovable.

You deserve
: eye contact
: smiles in the morning
: food made with pure intention
: clean drinking water, fresh air
: Hello, Please, Thank you.
: time to think about it
: a chance to show them what you're made of
: a second chance
: an education
: health care, including dental
: multiple orgasms
: weekends and the summer off
: 8 hours of sleep
: play before work
: to change your mind
: to say no
: to say yes
: to have your deepest needs met
: to be seen
: to be loved for what is seen.

You deserve all this just because you showed up.
Yep, you're that monumental.

 

the initiated woman

the initiated woman has bled.
she's bled from poor decisions that sliced her esteem wide open; and from unguarded boundaries being obliterated; and she's bled willingly because that's what you do when people you love are anemic or have been hit by life -- you give them your blood. Here, I have lot's, it's fresh and warm. I'll make more.

She has gone through the eye of a needle, stripped, shed, pared down to the pure pith of her power. The few people who have seen her so naked will never speak of that beauty to anyone else.

She knows that when people are ready, they're ready, and they're never ready before they're ready. Still, she holds the light for your readiness, because she knows how sweet it is when the time is right.

She's modest, but bold to the depths. She knows that initiations are waiting for everyone to claim them. Courage is key.

She's asked people to leave her house because they were consistently rude.
Now, she asks after the first offense -- she knows where things are going.
If you don't respect her, there's not much to talk about.

It's usually a succession of rigors, (rarely a lightning strike) that earns her the license to teach. Her lessons can be precise, like the diamond that cuts diamonds. Essentially-focused.

She knows that playing nice perpetuates irresponsibility, but that kindness is wildly fertile.
She's mindful of the how and the who in her bed, because it's always more than that.
She doesn't spiritualize immorality, but she understands it.
She has no time for excuses, but all the time in the world for intentionality.
She reveres accountability, which includes using the sword of justice, and singing operatic praises for things done the good way -- or even attempts at the good way.

Scarred. Faceted. Radiant. Wide.

She's so tender she prefers to whisper about her true nature, or write a poem. Abstract. Protected.

When the initiated woman tells you that "everything will be okay," you tend to believe her.

She uses compassion like a a lever to see what's really going on.
She applies willfulness sparingly, like gas to fire. ('cause, she is the fire.)
She awaits, but gets on with things.

She can tell you with calm and certain sympathy that love is the shortest distance between you and me.

And that there are no shortcuts to initiation.

. . . . . . . . . . . .
THE SHED PROJECT with Bindu Wiles starts next week. She's leading a community to shed, shed, shed...possessions, weight, thoughts that don't serve you. I'll be there.

CHECK OUT THE SHED-VENTURE. You'll feel lighter immediately.

 

got boundaries? got class?

e·qua·nim·i·ty
–noun
mental or emotional stability or composure, esp. under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.

Origin: aequ, even, plain, equal + anim, mind, spirit, feelings
Synonyms: serenity, self-possession, aplomb.
Antonyms: panic, disquiet, discomposure, agitation.

GOT BOUNDARIES?
Self respect. Not suffering fools. Not throwing pearls before swine. Being seen, heard, felt. Speaking up for yourself. Original Voice.
Radical self care. Authenticity. Self-soothing. Practice. Ritual. Honouring your needs so you can honour other's. Self referencing. Proudly particular.

All great concepts. Essential to wholeness. Critical for self expression, creativity, and dignity. Doorways to consciousness.

And...potential love-blockers.

YOU KNOW THE TYPE: They've worked so hard to get this far that the world just isn't good enough. They have their issues in check. They have special food requests. They're rather sensitive. You have to make special trips for them. When they talk last in meetings, it's likely to run overtime. They've crafted a system of hard-won self-help philosophies that seemingly entitles them to accommodations wherever they go. They're really annoying.

But wait. Back to me, me, moi....

I've spent so many hours in psychotherapy, and retreats, and boardrooms clarifying my "needs" vs. "wants" vs. "the hungry ghost" vs. "healthy expectations" that when I "surrender" to someone else's "way" it can feel like a stick in my spokes of dignity (and I paid a lot for that dignity.) Such is the foible of Western spirituality. Me first, You next.

But at this point, I'm tender and tough enough to know what love is and isn't. And...

Sometimes, the most enlightened, classy, and loving thing you can do is shut up and put up.

You eat the meat they serve even tho' you're a vegetarian.
You take the tacky gift; you find the common ground in your opposing politics; you smile, darling. And here's the thing: you mean it when you do it.
You suspend being right, or more evolved, or protected, and you intend loving equanimity - because you can.

You accept and flex because it expands you - and that's only good.
You soften because it feels really amazing for everyone involved - guaranteed.
You say thank you because elegance makes the world a better place.

When you become the conduit for graciousness you get stronger, truer, freer and more fiercely alive.

Which is the whole reason we create boundaries in the first place.

. . . . . . . .

NEWSY BITS

Yay! The Fire Starter Sessions Pay-What-You-Can-Day extravaganza made BusinessWeek.com! READ THE ARTICLE.

I'm in the World-Changing Writing Workshop-In-A-Box! It's dark in here, but there's lots of great company. CHECK IT OUT.

VANCOUVER: I'm speaking at the Get Shifted event on September 9. GET SHIFTED.

 

what do you call yourself?

Are you...
girlfriend, or lover?
husband, or partner?
teacher, or trainer?
leader, or director?
decorator, or designer?
advisor, or counselor?
blogger, or writer?
crafter, or artist?

What you call yourself matters.
Words send signals, labels are magnetic.
Your soul deserves accuracy.

MedicinalMarzipan recently asked me:

You distinguish yourself as a writer vs. blogger, can you elaborate on that point? And I said:

I loath the word blog. It’s not pretty. But we’re stuck with it. That’s an aside, really.

Most specifically, I philosophize, and I mostly do that in writing, and I mostly present that on the internet. That’s the Big Real of what I do, and what so many of us do. We’re bigger than our “posts” and “tweets” and when you keep your eye on that, when you let your definitions of yourself be deeply accurate, it influences your creative approach.

I'm a philosopher, which for me, is more accurate than teacher, because "philosopher" connotes both sagacity + continuing exploration.
I'm a strategist, 'cause I sure as hell am too opinionated to be a coach. (Not that brilliant coaches don't have mighty opinions. And BTW, I think everyone should have a coach.)
I'm a mama, which is just mo' fun and sexy than mother, and it's more specific than parent, because my parenting is distinctly, pronouncedly feminine.
I'm a writer. It doesn't matter where my stuff is published - pixelated on the internet, printed in books, or stamped on notecards. I write. For a living/loving even.

I'm as fascinated by what someone does as by what they say they do.

Like this sweet guy at a workshop, "By day I'm a Refuse Manager, which is just a fancy title the city gives me for Garbage Man. I actually prefer Garbage Man, you know? By night I'm a stock trader and student of eastern mythology. I'm a seeker, really. Yeah, a Seeker." Clearly, he's seeking treasures, not garbage.

Labels are a necessary and unavoidable function of most cultures. We need them like we need traffic lights and handshakes.

Recognize if you've outgrown your "title".
Deepen your claim, or lighten it right up.
Carve out your own personal lexicon. Snug, and radiant.
Educate people in who you are.
We want to know, for real.

. . . . . .

INTERVIEWS

Read the full Medicinal Marzipan interview here.

COOL STUFF!
Missed the live version of the World Changing Writing Workshop? CLICK HERE, because now you can get it In-A-Box! And pssst...I got voted the #1 Speaker from the series! Yay!

GET STOKED!

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"This chapter is a BEAUTY — such a kick start.
Your words give me permission to be awesome."
- Sas Lockey

$20 bucks, baby. And when you're hot for more, you can put the cost of the chapter toward the full-tilt FIRE STARTER SESSIONS program.

>> CLICK HERE to BUY True Strengths + The Metrics of Ease

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depression vs. sadness: the power of mincing words

"When you're depressed, nothing matters. When you're sad, everything does."
- Gloria Steinem, via @spiver, aka Susan Spiver, author of The Wisdom of a Broken Heart

"So you're feeling a sense of hopelessness," the therapist said to me.
"No, I'm feeling despair," I clarified.
"Same thing. You're feeling hopeless," she came back.
"Nooo, I don't feel it's hopeless, I'm experiencing despair. I feel disheartened, but there's still hope here," I said.
"Hope and despair are pretty similar," she said.
"Look it up." I shrugged. "I'm going with despair."

(We didn't last too long as therapist/patient.)

I relish in semantics ("the meaning, or an interpretation of the meaning, of a word.") The more you know about the true definition of a word, the more powerful it is when you speak it. Precision is power.

Depressed and Sad are two very powerful, similar, misappropriated words. Portal words. Sacred words. And if we look more closely at them, we can claim what's true for ourselves and set about transforming depression and sadness into their contrasting states.

Sadness hurts but it signals that you are very, very much alive.
Depression may be the cousin of sadness, sometimes the defended response to unyielding sadness, but it makes you feel anything but alive. It dulls, weighs, and messes with your memory of your true essential nature -- which is that of joy.

I've been through wrenching heart breaks. I've left a decade-long relationship that is still intertwined with my DNA; been devastated by betrayal in business; said goodbye to overseas love that was doomed from the magical start. I've cried those guttural cries that dying animals make, I've canceled meetings because grief caught me off guard en route. I moved arthritically, lugging my heart in a wagon, to get groceries and tend to life on the surface. And through it all, I've felt undeniably, and intensely alive. And this, this is sadness. Acute, sometimes enduring, but always sensory and evocative, sadness.

When you're sad, you're feeling. Sometimes, more than you want to. You wish you could be despondent, but the sadness is sharp and it bleeds your attention from you.

Depression -- a term our med-happy nation uses much too glibly -- dulls one's feelings. Where sadness makes you feel raw and skinless, depression is like wearing a snow suit and mittens and wondering why you can't feel the caress of life. Sadness strips you. As I was just reminded, "Sadness is so f--king cleansing." Depression is muddy and muffling and numbing.

Depression vs. Sadness
Each comes with different gifts, challenges and assignments
Each is a sacred state. Both divine and brutal.
But not the same.
When you respect the difference, you're closer to the cure.

. . . . . . .

INTERVIEW
"If you could give any piece of advice for someone that feels stuck, what would it be?" READ ON AT Pure-Habitat.com

 

THE secret to success. this is IT. for reals.

In one form or another, I've been asked this question a few hundred times:

What's the secret to success?

Variations:
What's the single most important thing you've learned on your journey?
What's your key piece of advice for meaningful livelihood?
What's the greatest cause of failure? How do we overcome fear?
What's your pearl of wisdom for getting unstuck?

Here it is. You heard it here first, lovahs.

The secret to success:

No need to read any further really.

If we all just did what we said we're going to do, we'd experience an evolutionary leap in consciousness more brilliant than solar power and the invention of the wheel. But in case we slip, here's a bit of bolstering...

Do what you say you're going to do.

NO: rounding up what you say, no blowing it off, assuming that they'll forget what you said, hoping that they didn't really hear you, or believing that it's kosher to let it slide. Letting it slide is a slippery slope that leads to sleepless nights and eroded integrity which all adds up to a whole lot of yuck.

Aim for impeccable. There's a great scene in Jerry McGuire, where one of the Zig Ziglar-like "mentor guys" in a polyester suit says in his heavy southern accent, "If I don't return yer call in 24 hours, well, you can rest assured that I am dead." I want that guy on my team.

Mean it. You can ask my home girl, Steph, to go mountain climbing, hook you up with the Mayor, and meet you back for a cold beer all in the same day, and what you'll hear is, "DONE!" She says "DONE!" a lot. At first I didn't know if it was like, a tic, or a truth. But guess what, she gets a lot done -- everything that she says she will.

"Call you tomorrow" ... "I'll send you the link" ... "I'll do my best." If you don't mean it with heart and precision, then just don't say it. Pause. Say thank you. Express an intention. Say nothing. Habitual convo-filler is bad for the environment. I can't scientifically prove it, but empty promises suck wind.

Of course you can't always do what you said you would. Minds change and some prerogatives need their exercise. Batteries die, tragedies happen, the best intentions can get rained out. When you can't or choose not to honour your word, then say so.

Tell the truth, tell it fast, deliver it with sincerity and care.

Words are arrows.
Aim.
You can't always hit the impeccability bull's eye, but even if you're off a smidge, your words will land on integrity.

. . . . . . .

INTERVIEWS

Kira Zuma at the Mathematics of Glamor asked me who my heroes were...when I was 8. READ HERE.

Laura at The Journal of Cultural Conversation and I talked about vocational karma. READ HERE.

 

expand your life, take your dogma for a walk

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all
- Joni Mitchell

Dogma comes in all kinds of packaging -- usually just the right size to fit our insecurities and blind spots. The Greeks defined it as, “that which one thinks is true, good or decent.” Whether you’re fighting for peace (what a searing oxymoron that is,) or you’re converting meat-eaters to veggie burgers, you do what you do because it feels really good to think you’re right. We usually leave the dogma up to "them". You know, "them". But the fact is, that every single one of us is a dogma trouper at the end of the day. Fess up. Laugh at yourself. Get on the bus with all the other righteous bozos.

The church used to have the dogma market cornered, but celebrity culture and the corporations are vying for a hostile take over. Orders, orders everywhere: be good, get rich, be nice, and for God’s sake, be reasonable. There are keys to heaven, keys to the executive washroom, habits for effectiveness, principles for success. Diets. Day timers. And eeew, performance reviews. And how-to’s. Those how-to’s will really mess you up.

Humanist, creationist, capitalist. Pro-gay marriage, -immigration laws, -cigarette taxes. Past-lives, the rapture, the power of now...Dogma. All of it. Just cop to your version of it.

When you admit to your dogma and righteousness, you give yourself some wiggle room. And wiggling is flexible. And flexibility creates spaciousness And spaciousness is daring. And daring is dangerous. And dangerous is scary. And when we're scared, we tend to get...dogmatic.

But we need to return to continual questioning of our beliefs (and our faith) if we're interested in expanding. And communing. And the thrill of certainty. Without certainty, you go mad. Without inquiry, you wither.

LAUGH AT YOURSELF
Some friends and I got to hang with the Dalai Lama for a morning and we grilled him with questions on everything from interplanetary consciousness to politics. And before almost every answer he would laugh his baritone laugh and shake his head and say, “Oh I don’t know, I just don’t know.” It created so much space! Space to wonder.

Me? I think of all I thought I knew and I gotta laugh -- fondly, with a smidge of chagrin. And maybe I'll look back on how wizened I think I am today and bust a gut. Right about now, I care much more deeply about far less. I’m intensely certain about only a few select things in life. And I predict that my certainty will become even more simplified and narrow as I expand with life.

EXPEND EXPAND THE ENERGY
Dogma tends to have a long and viral shelf life because no one likes to admit to being an idiot. So lies get to stay on the payroll, like lazy Larry at the factory, because we unionize our systems of beliefs and we pay our dues because it's easier that way.

Fessing up to the follies of your dogma can burn a lot of energy -- like rockets do before they take off. And you might take some hard knocks (just ask Yusuf Islam aka, Cat Stevens). You might swim up stream for years (like Ariana Huffington on her way to the Democrats' camp.) You might have nothing to talk about with your circle of friends for a while.

But you certainly won't be complacent. And, you won't be tired. You'll be careening through the cosmos on your own terms. Positively certain that you're going the right way -- for now.

 

step away from the karma. choosing not to get involved.

Why do we give?
Why do we hold back?
What does it mean to give freely?
When we give of ourselves, what are we giving?
Can you give too much? Too much...love?


GIVING: Part 1 in a potentially endless series
In this segment, I'm exploring the shadowy side of "giving." The kind of giving that has some barbs on it. It creates snags. It may look free, but it costs your psyche and everyone involved.

Both of these statements are true:

You are the center of the universe.

You're not that important.

Somewhere in that spectrum of interdependence is our tenderly human, potentially very messy need to be needed. The ego loves to be needed.

FREE IT UP
I was called for jury duty this year. It was a murder case. Her name was also Danielle, and she'd been accused of fatally shooting her man. How jury selection works here is that they get a few hundred potential jurors to file into the courthouse. Each person stands before the judge and nine out of ten of them give some reason why they should be let off the hook from doing their civic duty. "I'm a single mom. I'm having surgery. I'll be in Europe. I'm friends with the lawyer." It's a tedious, fascinating process.

This was one of those occasions where I knew I could pull some cosmic strings. It felt within my control to make this go in the direction I wanted it to, but I would have to be piercingly clear about the outcome I desired: on the jury, or not?

I looked at The Accused sitting like a still mouse in a glass box. She was tiny, forlorn, she might have worked in a convenience store. She looked straight ahead, sadly. But when my name was called, she looked my way. Our eyes met, woman to woman, Danielle to Danielle. I shot her some love. She needed it. And in that second, the voice that lives in the center of me said, Poor thing. She did it.

And then my I'm So Important Voice kicked in: I'd be so great on a jury. Like Henry Fonda in 12 Angry Men. Logical but empathic. A leader. A Crusader of Fair Justice. I'd have new stories to tell. This case needed someone just like me. Yeah.

Gross.

Did I really want to play a role in sending someone to prison for life? Did I want to "free" someone who'd killed someone's son? Did I want to play God for a day? It wasn't about time spent. It wasn't about democracy, it was really about something much more powerful than that: influencing freedom.

This situation wasn't a page I wanted in my book. This wasn't for me to carry.

And then that voice that lives in the center of me said: Step away from the karma. Just step away.

Click. My inner gears shifted into high clarity. "God, take me out of this." I said. This was not my drama.

I was next in line to go before the judge. The person right in-front of me was selected as the final juror. Magic Number 12. "Ms. LaPorte," said the Bailiff, "You're free to go."

Freedom, chosen.


. . . . . .

Pre-Order THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS now, and you'll get a Sneak Peek Chapter: True Strengths & The Metrics of Ease

"Sweet Jesus woman, this chapter is a BEAUTY."
- Sarah Lockey

. . . . . .

AWESOME INTERVIEWS
Susannah Conway has the most gorgeous cult following ever. She asked me some fabulous questions about setting your value and inspiration. So, I answered via video. WATCH HERE

Courageous Kate is a deep listener and profound thinker. This is a really great interview about growth and creativity. LISTEN HERE.

 

part 2: lifeblazing interview

PART 2 of 3

Why we've become too politically corrected when it comes to giving our opinions; and the intersection between sovereignty and collaboration (such a great question!)

. . . . . . .

THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS ebook is open for pre-orders, don'tchya know!

 

the fire is lit: behind the scenes of launch day

It's 9:11pm PST on a Tuesday night.

THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS pre-buy has just been launched!

I'm listening to some Hildegard von Bingen chants and drinking the pot of Acai tea that got cold this morning. The house is quiet.

TRUE STORY: I was exchanging dirty jokes with Bindu Wiles earlier today (she's a Buddhist, but she can gutter-mind with the best of them.) Like I had time today, of all days, for crackin' jokes on email. The technology that sits behind the distribution of a digitally-sold digital product, with videos embedded and lotsa pages, and an aesthetic perfectionist at the helm (that'd be me)...we'll let's just say it's a-many-layered beast of beauty that requires some concentration and teamwork. I relented. Some jokes were in order to lighten the mood in order for me to make my life-line (can't use the word deadline, there's nothing dead about this, it's ALIVE!)

So after the exchange of raunchness, while Bindu was drinking Bordeaux on my behalf in a wine-bar in Brooklyn, I zapped her back quickly to say:

like I have time for these antics.
okay serially, now.
can you and yours send mega watts of light my way?
that my launch is blessed ten-fold.
that my content is stellar and improves lives.
that I'm flooded with cash and joy.
launching in a few hours.
hope it doesn't suck.
xo
D

And then Bindu (keep in mind she's probably drunk at this point, and she said she'd laughed so hard at my blue joke that she chipped a tooth.) Anyway, she zaps me right back:

It's so endearing that you are nervous. Such a lovely aspect of you.
Yes of course the Brooklyn Buddhists have your back. Blessings and retweets coming your way.
Everyone is sooooooo excited and waiting. Tomorrow is like Christmas on Twitter.
You have been through a hard push and I hope tonight before you go to sleep you smile and appreciate yourself.
I am so moved by you.
Cheers and cash,
Bindu (and friends in wine-bar)

Now, you know by now that I only share personal stuff if I can turn my anguish and glory into, like, a teachable moment for the universe.

Here it is: art + commerce is tricky shit. Always has been. Always will be.

A highly regarded painter friend of mine said that art shows were, "Like pulling down your pants in front of everyone. Slowly."

In this case, my pre-pre-buy pre-launch pre-flutteries reminded me of this, simply: That I care. Deeply. And that's such a comforting reminder when you're trying to peddle your art. And apparently, it's pretty endearing.

Now please head over to this lovely new section and get yourself a piece of the flame.

With a very full heart,

The raunchy joke? Can't tell. It's family property.