White Hot

comparison is a killer. cut it out.

From the shape of our cells to the swirl of our fingerprints, each human is profoundly, almost incomprehensibly unique. In all the eons of time, amongst trillions of human eggs that have been fertilized and hatched ... there is only one you: microscopically remarkable, positively unrepeatable, original, and...beyond compare.

Role models are useful. They are lighthouses when dream-chasing gets cloudy, they are proof of stamina and magic. But emulation is tricky terrain. I have a friend, an aspiring novelist and brilliant writer in her own right, who said to me once that she wanted to be the "Canadian Anne Lamott," I said, "Why don't you just be the global You?"

We must have the daring to be nothing but ourselves if we are to know what true power is.

Comparison is crazy-making. It stamps on potential and truth and all the good things you might already have going for you if you weren't so busy shadow-boxing with the people who you think have it better. Would you compare a snowflake to a snowflake to decide which was more beautiful and unique? No two snowflakes are the same.

Comparison is a slippery slop to envy and for the most part, envy wastes energy that could be put towards getting what you want or optimizing what you have. It’s a trap. I used to envy trust-fund babies and my friends with rich parents. "Poor me...no leg-up, born into an average family, gotta be self-made..." Yack. Whatta waste of mind space - space that could be filled with creativity and ingenuity.

So here’s the freedom-generating habit to stop comparing and to melt envy:

1. When you're tempted to compare yourself to others, stave off the comparing by feeling your way into your dream. Rather than comparing, imagine. Imagine yourself feeling the way you want to feel - successful, brilliant, artistically free, earthy, healthy, connected. That's it. You're not making yourself less than or more than anyone else - you're simply giving yourself permission to want what you want.

2. Bless the people you feel envious of - the rich, skinny, in-love, confident, powerful people. Quicker than you can say “I wish I had that...,” say to yourself, or even better, to them, “Way to go...you look great...I admire you.” With envy out of the way, you’ll have more space for your own greatness to step forward.

 

your friend, anxiety

Tummy trembles. Brain fuzz. That discombobulating feeling that you're not quite sure what you should be doing but you should be something to keep your act together. Anxiety. Sometimes it slips away with a few deep breaths, other times you need to beat it off with a stick or some little white pills.

Naturally, we want try to get as far away from anxiety as possible - which usually just results in us being anxious about being anxious. You resist and so it persists. But what if rather than pushing it away, we actually welcomed anxiety when it showed up? What if, rather than dreading the discomfort it brings, we looked at anxiety as a delivery service of inner truth and other such soul goodies? Because every time anxiety shows up, it's our psyche's way of saying, "Knock knock, I've got something to show you about yourself that you really should see."

Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard explained anxiety is a natural condition. (How liberating!) He believed that anxiety is "a cognitive emotion that reveals truths that we would prefer to hide but that we need for our greater health." And that it's a valuable to for shaping our ideal lives. Think of it this way, beneath the butterflies in your stomach, behind the clouds in your mind ... is your greater truth, and it's trying to break on through.

TURNING ANXIETY INTO POWER
STEP 1: Face reality. "I'm anxious."
Simply notice your anxiety. Firstly, you need to be aware of your actual indicators of anxiety ... they can be different for everyone. A lot of the times anxiety is trying to talk to us and we're just not picking up on the physical or mental cues. For me, anxiety manifests in what I call, priority confusion. If I wander from room to room in the house, unsure if I should tidy, check my email, walk the dog, or write a novel, then I know something is up. I'm typically very laid back and laser-like decisive so if I can't figure out what's first on the to-do list, I know that anxiety has come callin'.

When you see the signs of it, all you need to do is simply state it. "I'm feeling anxious." There. You said it. You probably feel better already. Getting real is always the best first step.

STEP 2: Inquiry. "So, why am I anxious?"
This is the step that requires real work. It's the kind of inquiry that calls for both concentration and compassion ... a tricky combo. Having an "inquiry image" might be helpful. I often see dilemmas as layers of soft, earthy sediment within myself, and each question is a drilling down through the silt. "So why am I anxious?" I ask myself. "Because I don't want to be late." Not quite, that doesn't feel true. "So why am I anxious?" I repeat. "Because I've got so much to do." Nope, that's not it either, it's not making sense to my heart. "So why am I anxious?" I drill down. "Because I'm afraid that when I show up I'll be rejected." Bingo. (more...)

 

hot advice for anyone with a website, blog, business, career or j-o-b. yep, I’m talkin’ to you

I've worked with a few dozen Fire Starter clients in the past few weeks on career optimizing, transitioning, start ups, reinventions, product ideas, social media strategies and balancing it all without burning it out. {And I adore each and everyone of you. I'm thinking about you all right this minute and smiling hugely, because it takes kahunas to show up in the world and sell your soul with integrity, and to turn love into fat cash and ideas into fulfillment. Keep on moving.}

I've been hammering on the same concepts with lots of folks. I am known to hammer. I'm clear that I am not a coach - I'm an adviser, so I can get away with being passionately opinionated.

MY 8 EMPHATIC SUGGESTIONS FOR ROCKING YOUR BUSINESS:

1. ONE STOP WEB SPACE: SIMPLIFY AND LEVERAGE
Stop thinking of your site and your blog as separate things. Just stop it right this instant. There needs to be a paradigm shift whereby entrepreneurs create ONE on-line space for themselves that includes the "brochure ware" that is the critical function of sites, and regularly updated, juicy, and informative content, aka, a blog. Having a site with a "BLOG" button that pushes users out to a totally different space (usually not even reflecting the aesthetic brand of your primary website,) is like having one clothing store that just sells pants, and sending your customer down the street to your "other" store to buy a shirt. Keep your customers under one umbrella so that they can explore and utilize your universe.

Create a seamless one-stop portal of all that you do so you are capturing the various interests of your visitors in one fell swoop: to read inspiring stuff, to buy a product, to hire you as a speaker or for a service you provide. The more they know, the better. If you architect it with logic and simplicity, you can accomplish a lot in one space. Having a separate blog usually screams "after thought."

Repeat: If you have more than one on-line space that is essentially talking about what you do or sell - collapse it all into one. This also helps with search engine optimization and ranking. And erase the word "blog" from your consciousness. Think in terms of regular, engaging content that you can deliver.

2. GIVE UP IMMEDIATELY
Stop doing what's not working. It will feel amazing. It will free up energy to leverage the stuff that has the truest, greatest potential. (more...)

 

what is your relationship to…life?

I'm not sure there is a bigger question than this. It bears repeating:
what...is...your relationship to life?

I was in Kauai in the fall and read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth between beaches. And this question of his became my walking, rambling, meditation. "What is my relationship...to LIFE?!" Daunting. Spectacular. Galvanizing. Perhaps my favourite question of all time.

It opened the floodgates of inquiry for me. I spiraled it backwards to look at my relationship to my man, my child, my families of blood and soul ... my portals of connectivity and on good days, communion. What was the majority experience of me showing up in the world? How is it that I am vulnerable? What feels pure and steadfast within my cells? One question led to another. What do I bring forth from the well of my essential self, and what do I keep in reserve, locked, frightened, greedy, proud, and practical? When I engage with people what is my motive? How do I greet strangers and friends with whom I have history? What is my most regular waking thought? What is my favourite feeling? Who am I trying to impress? How do I stand in crisis? Where does my generosity stop? What gets to the core of my core?

I actually didn’t need to delve into the deep recesses of my psyche. It turned out to be a remarkably basic exercise - one that I bet you could find your own answer to by the end of today. It all got down to this simple sub-plot question: How am I with people? (more...)

 

no pity for a strong soul

I write from my home office, on a danish teak table, in front of a big window looking onto our street. I usually have the blinds closed because the sunlight makes it hard to read the computer screen. And from the sidewalk, at nearly the same time everyday, I hear loud hollering yelps, a groaning-holler of confusion and speculation that is impossible to ignore.

The noises are coming from a young man, about 20-something with really short brown hair and big brown eyes. He's clearly mentally disabled. I don't know his name. I've named him Jerry. He wears a red rain coat and white runners. And he's always walking down our side of the street with a very laid back caregiver a few feet ahead...hollering.

His bent fists are waving by his handsome but usually contorted face. His head is cocked upward, like he's talking to the tops of the trees - like he can see something up there that no one else can.

At first, his yelping was a bit disturbing. (more...)

 

real money: cash, facts, and entrepreneuring

There’s a great scene in Erin Brokovich where hot biker guy asks Brokovich (played by Julia Roberts and her push-up bra) for her phone number. “You want my number?” she snaps. “How about 3? That’s the number of kids I’ve got. And how about 31? That’s how many days late my rent is. And how about 15, ‘cause that’s how many dollars I’ve got left in my bank account.”

If only we were so real at business conferences. Venture capital, ROI, cash flow, cost of goods ... there’s always lot’s of strategy talk, but rarely a drill down into specific dollars. So did you raise a million bucks or did you put $10k on your credit card? What does “turn a profit” really mean? How close is a ‘close call’? Facts give perspective. So let me throw out a few numbers for all you entrepreneurs and artists making your way:

$150,000 = the book advance my former business partner and I received for writing Style Statement. Originality goes a long way in publishing.

$70,000 = (yes, seventy) the production cost that we carried for the book ... portrait and product photography, set dec, travel, graphic design and materials. That was a dumb move. We should have shared creative control with the publisher and let them carry the design costs.

$1.87 = approximate book royalty per book (which the author gets only if the advance is earned out.) Note: very few authors ever earn out their advance.

$6000 = cost to design this site. I could have done it myself more austerely, but it would have taken 3 months to launch instead of the 8 weeks we did it in.

$128 = cost of a Logitech Laser mouse, which has brought me untold delight. (more...)

 

how to apologize

Yesterday’s article, "Sorry? Only Say It If You Mean It," elicited some good thinking and rambling. Like this from White Hot reader, "S", who said:

“... A sister has stopped speaking to me 'unless I apologize.' I could say I'm sorry just to have her back in my life and to soothe things over, but it would be a sell-out. It has been her pattern to "create" victimhood in her life, giving her a reason to always be angry. I am breaking my lifelong habit of enabling her.”

“I demand an apology!”
If you have to demand it, is it really worth receiving? As I said to S., forced apologies are kind of like nice plastic. Shiny, maybe even useful, but ultimately, just trash.

For a long time, I wanted an official kind of apology from my husband for some jerk-like tendencies he was trying out on me. It was pretty typical Mars/Venus stuff. I wanted a demonstration of groveling to make things all right and copacetic. Which, of course, made me the total jerk.

A friend said to me, "Is it really necessary that he says he’s sorry?" Hmmm...I had to think about that one. If my priority was groovy-hot-happy-love, then, well, I suppose lording the “you must apologize” flag over his head wasn’t going to get me what I really wanted. We were making strides, even without the fanfare of a big I'm sorry. I let it go. It was a big shifter for us.

HOW TO APOLOGIZE

1. Say it with your body: Arms uncrossed, looking someone in the eyes, leaning toward them. You are not there to protect yourself or get something in return. This is not about you. You are there to give ... to give comfort, assurance, and some salve for the wound you may have inflicted. An apology is an offering.

2. Take full responsibility: Explain yourself very briefly, without being defensive or without taking up too much space: “I was under a lot of pressure and it screwed up my better judgment. Still, it’s no excuse.” (more...)

 

spiritual glamour: my first guru heartbreak

On my first trip to India, my friends and I made two important visits. We went far north for a private audience with the Dalai Lama {you can read about my heart-altering experience here.} And we went far south to stay at the Ashram of the famous guru Sathya Sai Baba.

Sai Baba is a controversial swami. I have right-minded friends who have witnessed him work miracles - or magic tricks as many others suspect. He is said to work his powers to manifest rings and bird eggs and gemstones from his palm. And, I think, why not? Our human perspective of dimensionality is only emerging, but certainly some know how to pierce the veil. I believe that instant material manifestation is possible, so why not Sai Baba?

But in addition to being praised for his powers, Sai Baba has been accused of being a sexual predator and a conman. And yet, just like the week I sat in his temple, there are thousands upon thousands of people ... from curious spectators like me, to life-long devotees, who travel far to sit at his feet. They stay for weeks, sometimes years. Huge sloping white temples, a free hospital built in his name (people journey from as far as New Jersey for open heart surgery at no cost,) a Sathya Sai Baba university. The place is impressively massive.

I wore frangipani flowers in my hair.
I got up at four am to stand in line and hear the chants. I’m embarrassed to say I even wore a bindi dot (which is kind of like going to Jamaica and getting corn row braids on holiday ... it’s lame.) I chanted. I prayed. I meditated. But, I was just not feeling the love. It was confusing my expectations of bliss. Clearly, I was not going to be saved on my trip to India.

No eye contact is allowed within the ashram walls. Imagine a bustling village without anyone really looking at eachother. Men and women are kept separate within the temple. There is a lineup of hundreds of men, and a separate line up of hundreds of women. The old Indian mamas who were in charge of steering the herds of attendees were gruff. One of them snapped at me for looking at a man...and I wasn’t even lookin’, I swear.

By day three in swami land I had a wicked craving for a pack of smokes and The Pogues. (more...)

 

the ask-a-friend survey. take a deep breath and just send it.

Oh would some power the gift give us, to see ourselves as others see us!
- Robert Burns

To be truly witnessed is a mighty thing. When we are recognized and validated by someone else, that moment of communion becomes it’s own little “satellite of love,” as Lou Reed might say. Objectivity is a powerful thing. Objectivity + love can rewrite your whole storyline.

Recognition doesn’t have to be glowing to be powerful. Sometimes having a well-intentioned heart standing next you to say, “I see what you’re going through and man, it sucks,” can be the most helpful thing to hear. And then there are those gemstones that someone plucks out of the heap of our shabby self-perceptions to say that we are stronger than we think, more talented than we give ourselves credit for, and that we’ve come a long way, baby.

Have you ever asked a good friend what they think of you?

Just that simple ... and terrifyingly profound, it goes way beyond, “So like, what do you think of my new haircut? Too short?” Asking someone who loves you how they actually perceive you is an act of deep vulnerability and courage that could open a new route to your fullness - like a doorway hidden behind ivy that you've been too busy to find.

THE WHITE HOT TRUTH ASK-A-FRIEND SURVEY
Sometimes another perspective can create a quantum leap for us. So take a deep breath and...just ask. Yeah, it's a risk, but value is often proportionate to risk. Send your friend a link to this, paste it into an email, pour yourself a glass of wine and pick up the phone.

: What do you think is my greatest strength?
: How would you describe my style?
: What do you think I should let go of?
: When do you feel that I am at my best? (more...)

 

11 tips for dealing with criticism

Dear Danielle,
I love reading your blog, and yours is a perfect voice that I would love to hear from regarding accepting criticism. How do you accept criticism (in a work environment) that feels negative? Or, do you have any tips on how to do so?
Thanks,
- N


Dear Criticized and Inquisitive...

Criticism sucks. If you’re being rightly criticized, your ego needs to shake it off like a wet dog and keep wagging it's tail. And if you’re being unjustly ‘dissed, you’ve still got to keep your ego limber so that you can objectively fight for your dignity. Either way, criticism is a call to be your classiest self.

11 TIPS FOR DEALING WITH CRITICISM:

1. Expand. Sometimes criticism stings because we know the criticizer has a valid point. After you’ve done the inner wince, take a deep breath and get back in the ring. And look, just because you may need to clean up your act a bit, it doesn’t mean that you’re a full scale loser. We're all just bozos on the same bus, as my dear friend Donna would say. So literally, take a deep expansive breath, with your fists unclenched. You sustain less injury when you do NOT brace for impact. I guess that's why they call it "rolling with the punches."

2. Admit that it stings. “Ouch. That’s hard to hear. But I’m up for it.” Honesty when criticized is a great equalizer and a show of nobility and maturity.

3. Don’t react...yet. Sometimes it’s best to just listen and simply say, “I’ve heard you. Let me process what you've said and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” So many of us are so adrift from our deep sensitivity that it takes some time to clearly know how we feel. So just take the time, it’s better than a half-cocked reaction that you’ll regret. And if you do say something you regret, or you don’t say what you think you should have...
(more...)