relationships + sex articles

5 books for navigating the complexities of love

This is part 3 in a 3 part series.
Read Part 1 here: 9 books that could deeply influence how you live
Part 2 here: 9 books for deepening how you create + work

relating

Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion
Campbell's theories on romantic love (it is potentially "superior" to familial love because it is intentionally chosen,) and the ego (it will get necessarily crucified on the way to true communion and intimacy,) bolster my faith and courage.

Women Who Run With The Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Required reading for Goddesses of all ages.

Initiation, by Elisabeth Haich
An autobiography that connects the European life of beloved yoga teacher Elisabeth Haich and her lucid memories of initiation in mystical teachings of the priesthood in ancient Egypt. A wild ride.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, by John Gottman
Based on Gottman's "Love Lab" research, this book analyzes the break downs in communication that kill love. Read it before you fall in love.

Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death of Treya Killam Wilber, by Ken Wilber
A love story.

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All of my most-recommended books on consciousness, business, and lifestyle can be found in my fancy Amazon store.

 

refuse to worry (and how to be more useful for your friends)

Some precious people in my life are in extreme pain right now. Three friends are sorting through the natural disaster that breaking up brings on. And after a traumatic and poignantly one-in-a-million accident, one of my beloveds is literally patching together a new body and life. I cry with them in cafes and on the phone. I write letters I know they're too weary to respond to. I think about them throughout every day. I ache, actively. Concerned.

But I do not worry for them. Can't do it. Won't do it. Refuse to. Not because I trust in an benevolent universe to carry them (which I do,) and not because I'm disassociated (I'm anything but.) I don’t let myself worry for them because I think it's not only futile, but it's obstructive. Worry only gets in the way of good intentions, energy, solutions. It's toxic.

WORRY vs. CONCERN
Energetically, there is a critical difference.

worry: to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.
concern: to relate to; be connected with; be of interest or importance to; affect.

Worry obstructs possibility. Concern is pro-active.
Worry weighs things down. Concern can rise to the occasion.
Worry is wistful. Concern is penetrating.
Worry tangles. Concern peels back the layers.
Worry gossips. Concern enrolls.

Worry is the conjoined twin of anxiety. Of course concern can be riddled with anxiety, but it's strong enough to turn anxiety into a constructive force.

The darkest, gnawing side of worry is this: it's an illusory form of control that we might cling to in order to feel important and goodly. Yep, "goodly", not "Godly." As in, I'm a good manager, friend, mother, Christian, citizen, leader...if I express my love, smarts, interest by...worrying.

HOW TO TRANSFORM YOUR WORRY FOR OTHERS INTO POSITIVITY...
SO YOU CAN TRULY BE OF SERVICE

Stand outside of the story.
Every fearful expectation has a big "story" behind it. The trauma, the drama, the pain, the plot. Worry feeds on the gruesome details. It replays the potential saga in your head. It validates all the reasons things could go wrong by drudging up the past again and again. Worry is cleverly building a case as to why you should worry (you're a better person if you do, you're "on top of the details" it's the sympathetic thing to do, things have gone wrong so many times before, it's only logical to…worry. And on it goes.)

Don’t let yourself be pulled onto the "set" of the unfolding drama. Stay behind the camera and go where you're needed to shed light on things. Witnessing is an act of compassion. Whether it's with force or a light touch, you get to call the shots on how you will show up in any difficult situation.

Keep a soft gaze.
No one needs your judgment about why they got themselves into something, or all of the things that could go wrong. Gently observe what's going on, and stick to the facts. This is really tricky because facts can be relative. Medical test results are facts. So is someone's immense inner strength. Choose the facts that keep you moving in a better direction. Friends in pain (and we all qualify as friends who are hurtin',) need love and optimism - critique and prognostication are big fat downers.

Let your heart be broken.
Life will devastate you if you get close enough to it. Get closer. In the cosmic fabric, your pain is mine is yours is mine... When we can share this unified space we know how to be of better service to one another - because we can better empathize.

Put a stake of devotion in the ground.
How far will you let your concern take you for a friend? (Limits are okay by the way, enlightened concern isn't about martyrdom.) Are you willing to catch the next plane, withdraw your savings, find a lawyer, change bandages, mix herbs, listen tirelessly? Your devotion may shrink or expand as the situation unravels. But if you can declare how you intend to be truly helpful, then worry takes a backseat.

Send wishes.
This is the single most effectual way to diffuse worry and move into positivity. Worry will crop up. Don't let it stagnate. Cleanse your worry with precise wishes.

I'm worried that he'll stay lonely. I wish him sweet love.
I'm worried the meds won't work. I wish her quantum healing.
I'm worried she'll do something drastic. I wish her equilibrium.
I'm worried he'll sink into depression. I wish him lightness.
I'm worried this will takes years. I wish for swift grace.

While you're at it, you could do one gorgeous global wish: I wish for the end of suffering and happiness of all beings. That about covers it.

Send wishes. And more wishes. The wishes will nest in your psyche and begin to inform your concern, your words, your actions. When you're not preoccupied with worrying, you're free to serve, in so many ways.

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OTHER WORRY-DIFFUSING RESOURCES...

If you're still worried, check out this lovely visual of encouragement from one of my favourite beautifiers and entrepreneurs, Alisa Barry, CEO of Bella Cucina.

More?! Right on. Nathan Hangen just released Fear to Fuel. It's an impressive collection of ambitious, creative people who clearly haven't wasted much time worrying while they defined success on their own terms. Hot stuff.

Can't get too much love and insight? 7.7.7. from Ronna Detrick, "7 Conversations. 7 Amazing Women. 7 Invitations." This is a beautiful workbook, and I'm honoured to be one of the 7 along with Patti Digh, Karen Maezen Miller, Jen Louden, Dani Shapiro, Susan Piver, and Katrina Kenison. Dig in here.

 

THE secret to success. this is IT. for reals.

In one form or another, I've been asked this question a few hundred times:

What's the secret to success?

Variations:
What's the single most important thing you've learned on your journey?
What's your key piece of advice for meaningful livelihood?
What's the greatest cause of failure? How do we overcome fear?
What's your pearl of wisdom for getting unstuck?

Here it is. You heard it here first, lovahs.

The secret to success:

No need to read any further really.

If we all just did what we said we're going to do, we'd experience an evolutionary leap in consciousness more brilliant than solar power and the invention of the wheel. But in case we slip, here's a bit of bolstering...

Do what you say you're going to do.

NO: rounding up what you say, no blowing it off, assuming that they'll forget what you said, hoping that they didn't really hear you, or believing that it's kosher to let it slide. Letting it slide is a slippery slope that leads to sleepless nights and eroded integrity which all adds up to a whole lot of yuck.

Aim for impeccable. There's a great scene in Jerry McGuire, where one of the Zig Ziglar-like "mentor guys" in a polyester suit says in his heavy southern accent, "If I don't return yer call in 24 hours, well, you can rest assured that I am dead." I want that guy on my team.

Mean it. You can ask my home girl, Steph, to go mountain climbing, hook you up with the Mayor, and meet you back for a cold beer all in the same day, and what you'll hear is, "DONE!" She says "DONE!" a lot. At first I didn't know if it was like, a tic, or a truth. But guess what, she gets a lot done -- everything that she says she will.

"Call you tomorrow" ... "I'll send you the link" ... "I'll do my best." If you don't mean it with heart and precision, then just don't say it. Pause. Say thank you. Express an intention. Say nothing. Habitual convo-filler is bad for the environment. I can't scientifically prove it, but empty promises suck wind.

Of course you can't always do what you said you would. Minds change and some prerogatives need their exercise. Batteries die, tragedies happen, the best intentions can get rained out. When you can't or choose not to honour your word, then say so.

Tell the truth, tell it fast, deliver it with sincerity and care.

Words are arrows.
Aim.
You can't always hit the impeccability bull's eye, but even if you're off a smidge, your words will land on integrity.

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INTERVIEWS

Kira Zuma at the Mathematics of Glamor asked me who my heroes were...when I was 8. READ HERE.

Laura at The Journal of Cultural Conversation and I talked about vocational karma. READ HERE.

 

operation secret valentine

We're not from the same tribe, are we?
Feline. Bear.
Fire. Earth.
Arrow. Tree.

Finally, I revel in that.
We are choice.
Precise and free in the choosing.
Not slotted, or arranged, or karmic.
Not mated, or introduced.
Not even necessary.

Rather: Essential, my Love.

Rather: Chosen, my Love.

With select scars and stories,
full of rise and honey and dreams.

Chosen.

And that, my Love,
is everything and more.

CLICK HERE TO PARTAKE IN THE LOVE-NESS:

 

the best list ever, by Danielle: vol. 1

The best of anything and everything. Random fantastic stuff that left an impression on my frontal lobe and softened heart. Do your own list. Do it here if you fancy, we've got the time and space. "The Best List Ever, by [insert your name]: Vol. 1. It'll make you simmer with sweet memories and proof of excellence. Here we go. This is gonna feel goood.

MY BEST LIST EVER. 100% adored. In no particular order.

1. The Missing Piece Meets The Big O, by Shel Silverstien. The most elegant and charming description of human relationships. Heartbreaking, really. It's my favourite wedding gift to give.
2. Wim Wenders', Wings of Desire and Far Away So Close. Made me want to fall in love, fly, move to Berlin, french-kiss Lou Reed, and talk to my angels.




3. Leonard Cohen at the Palo Solari in Santa Fe. Circa '95. Under the stars. A hot night. Angelic backup singers. Oozing the most Zen-Let's-All-Make-Love-Right-Now vibe humanly possible. Religious.
4. Dip big strawberries in sour-cream, and then dip it into brown sugar. Divine. Great picnic treat.
5. Pangea Organics Japanese Matcha Tea with Acai & Goji Berry Facial Mask. Incredible product from one of the most eco-progressive beauty companies, ever.
6. WordPress. There's a reason why Google bought it.
7. The Arlington Institute's FutureEdition. Best aggregation of news in global trends and outliers.
8. Pecha Kucha Night speaking events. 20 slides. 20 seconds each to talk about whatever inspires you (or me). Brilliant format.
9. Honey Beeswax Candles. I'm fanatical about them. They clean the air, are thus merciful on your lungs, and last forever. I order mine from an equally fanatical craftsman in a small town in Ontario.
10. Tweezermans.
11. Krishnamurti. Total Freedom.
12. Allan Watts. Beyond Theology.
13. Sir Ken Robinson's TED Talk. How schools kill creativity. Hilarious and profound.
14. Soul centering sessions with Navjit Kandola.
15. Project jamming with Dyana Valentine.
16. The lavender milk chocolate sauce on Belgian waffles at Medina Cafe, Vancouver.
17. Jim Morrison's An American Prayer.
18. Maya Angelou speaking on stage in San Francisco. Proud poetic power personified.
19. Cheryl Sorg's text art. Got me one this year.
20. Patricia Larsen's abstract paintings. Got me one last year.
21. That time with S. in the cabin, doing that thing S. does so well.
22. Silk Concept duvets. Lux sleepies, no more cold feet, eco-kind.
23. Little Miss Sunshine.





24. Eminence Organics Yam & Pumpkin Enzyme Peel. Indispensable for ye ol' skin glow. Use it twice a week.
25. Paper Mate Medium Point blue pens. I've tried fancy fountain pens, mechanical pencils that made me look designy-cool. But it's the good n' cheapies that do the trick.
26. Your Sex is on Fire, Kings of Leon
27. Red Hot Chili Pepper's Stadium Arcadium. If you don't love this double CD, I'm not sure that we can be friends.
28. Rilke! "I want to unfold, for where I am folded, there I am a lie."
29. Rumi...Rumi...my love. "You were born with wings. Why prefer to crawl through life?"
30. Mary Oliver, sistah. "What will you do with your one wild and precious life?"
31. This advice from a mentor when it all fell apart: Know your rights.
32. Anthropolgie
33. Bella Cucina's Artichoke Lemon Pesto. It even made Oprah's list. (Tho' my list is so much juicer, don't you agree?)
34. Beauty, by John O' Donohue. Anything by John O'Donohue, really.
35. Hallelujah, as sung by kd lang, whom I think is one of the most masterful song interpreters ever. This performance makes me want to pull out all the stops in my life. And then be incredibly modest about it.




36. Pet insurance. Just get it.
37. Ten Thousand Waves. Santa Fe, NM. Heaven, hot tubs, and Indian oil in the hills. Heav-en.
38. The best moment with my kid, ever. We're eating chocolate cones outside an ice cream parlor at dusk. Me: "So, pookie, what's it like being alive?" The Kid (without missing a beat): "Oh mama! It's AAA-MAZ-ing! If I were a telephone, I'd be ringin' all the time!"

... to be continued ...

 

burning questions with kelly diels: cleavage + faith

Have you seen Kelly Diels' cleavage? It's deep. She writes with rapier wit and overflowing love, about "everything we all want more of: sex, money, and meaning." And feminism. And Malcolm Gladwell. Yep. She's hot.

I read everything she writes. EVERYTHING, honey.

1. What’s your super hero name? (You have one. To discover it, stand with your legs apart and hands on your hips, tits up and eyes to the sky. It’ll come to you. FYI, Mine is Agent Now, which in French translates to L’Agent Maintenent. Adorable n'est pas?)

Madame Passionista. I wear a chain skirt strung with laptop keys and knee high - hell, thigh-high - boots that are not made for walking. My primary super power is the blazing epistle of righteousness and my secondary one is unmentionable in certain circles but makes me very, very popular.

2. What's the best advice you've been given in terms of writing or creativity?

Believe.

3. What do you know to be true, unquestionably beyond doubt, certain with every cell of your being, completely, passionately, righteously certain?

That I am loved.

4. What global policy, credo, practice or law would you like to decree?

This is heavy: an end to sexual abuse in all forms.

5. What book(s) are you always telling people to read?

Freakonomics. I freaking love it. I love work that uses old tools - like economic theory and modeling - in new and quirky ways. I also adore the way my future husband, Malcolm Gladwell, spins essays into intellectual whodunnits.

But my favourite book of all time is To Kill A Mocking Bird.

6. I’m going to give you a word. Tell me what the first thing that comes to mind when you read it… Ready? The word is: instigate.

Shit disturber. My girls. Myself. Provocateur.

7. What question are you currently living?

Faith? Faith. It is new to me. Faith in myself, faith in the universe, faith in the leap and the fall, faith in those that love me and those who don't, faith in my instincts - I'm sidling up to faith.

Bonus Q: Before we go, Tina Turner asked me to ask you: Kelly, What's love got to do with it, got to do with it?

Oh, EVERYTHING, honey.

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FIND KELLY DIELS
Cleavage.com
Twitter: @kellydiels
Facebook

 

best packaging of 2009

Did your headphones come in a sweet case? See a bottle of tea in another country that stood off the shelves?

My vote: One Condoms. It's about time.

 

monday morning sex talk

I’ve been observing a quickening of sorts. The people around me are waking up. Breakthroughs are happening, Commitments are deepening. Maybe it’s because I’ve meant some stellar individuals on my Fire Starter tour this summer, but something sparkly and hot is in the air. And it’s pretty sexy. But I happen to find consciousness super sexy. And the more I feel my own essence rising, the sexier life seems.

But I've noticed that even shiny, sexy, wide-awake people don’t talk that much about sex. The general conversation starts and stops with whether you’re getting it or not. “It’s good.” “We need to make more time for it.” “Haven’t gotten around to it.”

If sex conversation is relegated to the cultural fringe, it’s likely reflecting where it lies on our personal list of priorities. And you don’t have to have a partner to have a sex life, BTW. Just ask Mama Gena who makes it, uh, pointedly clear that the clitoris has 8000 nerve endings of it’s very own.

You can be sure that your sex life is a microcosm of the macrosm of your entire life. Deep but quiet. Repressed. Rigorous. Loving but slightly aggressive. Playful and sweet. Dutiful. Whatever is going down in the sack is going ‘round in your life as a greater theme. So maybe we should talk about it more. At least to ourselves.

SEXY SHAKE UP
For the sake of shaking up mindsets, what if you gave your sexual well being the same weighty importance that we tend to give the other day-to-day stuff?:

What if we treated our sex lives with the same importance as our diet? Imagine counting orgasms like you counted calories. What if there was the same urgency to get funky with your lover or yourself as there was to get to yoga or spinning class?

What if we put as much effort into cultivating our sexuality as we did our intellect? Imagine a D-I-Y erotica degree based on the awareness of energy and breath and physiology and bliss. Where would you begin to look for knowledge? What would it take to earn and A++?

What if we talked about our sex lives like we talked about, say, our health, or our satisfaction with work? I’m not suggesting that you should chat up your hot night with Larry and Lucy at the water cooler. Because, yeah, sex is sacred, absolutely, positively, precious and typically private. BUT...what if, with the friend you trusted most, you let the conversation go deeper into the sensual part of your life. And you explored questions like, How do you feel in bed? What does womanly or manly really mean to you? Top, bottom, bunny, adventurer, priestess, kink-meister or athlete, what’s next in terms of being more fully you?

Don't tell just anyone. But dare to tell yourself. The answer may have you grinning for days.

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RELATED

the ask-a-friend survey. take a deep breath and just send it.

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wonder what their dream is

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I've got a few spaces left for my Oakland CA Group Fire Starter, August 22. Find out more.

 

joy style: the wedding entrance dance

{If you're viewing this via email, click on the title above to watch the video clip.}

This is as inspiring as any Broadway musical I've seen. It's so damn SWEET, I got weepy through the giggles.

Friends break out of their comfort zone to give you what you need.
Love is something to CELEBRATE.
There is courage in community.
Laughter favours originality.
Life is better when you dance.

CLICK HERE AND GO DIRECTLY TO YOU TUBE TO VIEW.

OR! I just discovered that they have their own website: http://www.jkweddingdance.com/ They are accepting donations to a charity and showing the video. Quite lovely. (more...)

 

wonder what their dream is

Our dreams and desires define us. Be they broken, scarcely remembered, on the verge of reality, or in full bloom. They pilot our choices. Dreams have the power to shape the entire landscape of our lives. Because they tend to be so precious and potent, many people keep their dreams and aspirations to themselves.

A dream is a very sacred thing to share.

If you knew someone's dream, you might look at that person very differently...with more tenderness, more respect, more familiarity, and more wonder than before. Dream-sharing melts boundaries and it calls forth resources and commonalities.

Look at everyone you meet this week and actively think to yourself, “I wonder what their dream is?” Ask at least one person this week what their dream is. You can do it subtly, and traditionally, like, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” or “What did you want to be when you were growing up?” Or you can just go for it, playfully and momentously and ask, “So, like, what’s your big dream?” So many people never get asked that. And fewer are really listened to. And for those who are stumped by the question, I guarantee they'll be thinking about it for days to come. Just the asking of that question sets essential things in motion.

The guy in the cubicle next to you may be working on novel about unicorns and espionage. Your sister might be fantasizing about her own cabaret break out performance. Your postal carrier may be patenting the next great invention. Make no assumptions about your partner, your workmate, or the bus driver.

Small, mighty, seemingly impossible, or simply pure ... when you know what someone’s dream is, your perspective leans toward openness. And every dream needs space to run.

Oh, my dream-stream... White Hot Truth The Fire Starter Sessions is a stunning success in every way possible, and I'm wearing suede boots and big gold hoops on stage and laughing "you-know-what-I'm sayin'-don'tchya?" laughs with thousands of people.

And I dream of Morocco and France and a koi pond in the back yard of my mod pre-fab house. Collecting art. Magazine coverage. I dream about communion with my man that blows both our minds. I dream of sitting 'round a fire with leaders and lovers of progress. Being able to give yeses and make phone calls that open doors and new dimensions for people.

I dream of children being taught mindfulness in school, and a movement of conscious birth choices and parenting, and technologies that heal. And I dream of invitations that humble me, and more magical connections with people who I recognize on a cellular level, and we band together to leverage change, and to support and care for each other in the way that reminds you how great it is to share space and time. And I dream of feeling more electric and sweet every single day.

But mostly, I dream of being amazed.

How 'bout you?

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thought of the day: your innate perfection

11 slightly scary ways to become a better you

the “i don’t know” conspiracy

 

READ MORE