the perils of justifying yourself

 
 



Me, you, or someone you know:
“I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m going to …”
Fill in the blank: Quit, sell it, leave, cancel, give it away, walk, resign.

That practical voice inside your head, well-intentioned friends, your granny: “Now, why would you do that?! It’s … (fill in the blank) good money, a great opportunity, you’ve worked so hard, what will you do without it? Can’t you work it out?"

And you bite the hook. In fact, your psyche’s been hanging on it for quite sometime, gnawing on 101 good, practical, and perfectly reasonable reasons why you have the right to make the decision that you’re making. You know, rationalizing. Well how about this rationale:

It doesn’t feel right.

Stay there for a few seconds. It’s a very powerful place to be. It’s elegant. It’s clear. Declared feelings have sonic reach.

And... it can be very uncomfortable. Like the truth can often be before it sets you free.

I recently left a gig because it just didn’t feel right. I struggled with all of the yes, no, make adjustments, suck it up, expand your perspective, get more creative kind of options. A few people thought I was nuts to walk away. Great exposure, cachet, extra money… All true. The “facts” usually are.

I made the tastiest Excuse Sandwich about why it didn’t work for me. I need to find a baby sitter, it interrupts my week, it’s not what I signed up for, I need a haircut, I don’t like so and so or such and such, I need to focus on … All absolutely true. And in the grand scheme, in the greater gestalt of what I'm capable of, totally lame and absolutely surmountable.

If something felt right, I’d drive all night in a push-up bra to get there. When it really feels right, you go out of your way. When something feels right, you put inconveniences in their place.

THE CORROSIVE EFFECTS OF OVER-JUSTIFYING YOUR FEELINGS

JUSTIFYING YOUR FEELINGS:
  • automatically puts you on the defense. When you’re on the defense, you burn more energy. Rationalization can be incredibly inefficient.
  • over-complicates things.
  • perpetuates cleverness. Clever is not a good word in my personal dictionary. It rhymes with slick, manipulative, covert. When you’re trying to rationalize something that is very often amorphous and insular you’ll reach for smooth answers that you think people - or your subconscious - want to hear. And that makes you a salesman.
  • depresses your essential self. The more you load rationale onto your feelings, the more padding you create between you and your most powerful, unlimited resource. If you make a habit of keeping your instincts at bay, that tend to stay at bay.
  • makes you look and feel like a victim. In an effort to prove and protect, you make up reasons that appear to be more important than your refutable instinct. You whine. You nit pick the situation. You start sounding like the whimp you don’t want to be - instead of the hero that you essentially are. When the passion is there, so is the solution. No problem looks insurmountable when you’re turned on.
Of course, sometimes your greatness demands that you explain your reasons in no uncertain terms. Taking the time to explain yourself can be a fantastically creative act. If that’s what’s called for, then explain how you feel. Hold the excuses. Stand by your heart. Make it matter.

. . .

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  • teemo
    Wow! You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
    mucho gracias WHT
  • Marian
    "And sometimes speaking all the illusory justifications out loud is just what we need to get us to the truth." So true. For me, that "doesn't feel right" feeling usually means I intuitively know something that I still can't (or won't) understand in words. We know so much more than just our thoughts. If I ever find out the reason for the hesitation, it feels like a great gift.

    Do you think there is a difference between "It doesn't feel right" and "I don't feel like doing it"? I've encountered that ambivalence before. It's disquieting!

    "And... it can be very uncomfortable. Like the truth can often be before it sets you free." Also so, so true. Making the truthful, self-honoring call definitely doesn't me feel better, although deep, deep down I know that something has just come into alignment.
  • Priya
    Hi Danielle,

    Lovely post. Not having to justify your feelings makes you free. However, most of the times I have felt alive and connected with the universe are the times when I find that one reason to do what I want..
  • ....but....how do i shut up the little voice?
    this is incredible. friend sent it to me on a down day (down 6 months really) and i'm now trying to find loopholes in my reality.
  • I knew there was a reason I was waiting to read this email from you. YES! This is so true, and exactly what I needed. I am finding the path and starting to follow it. Thank you for sharing.
  • Beautiful post. Thank you!
    This was e x a c t l y what I needed to hear the moment I clicked on your link.
    Well written....well said!
    Maya
  • Thank you so much for sharing this. It seems you peeled back the skin of my forehead and climbed into my brain. I completely agree with everything you posted and I have been to scared of the consequences to follow what I know to be true. And if I allow myself to stay in a situation that I don't feel right in, how can I help others design a life with intention? Leading by example and heeding your words.

    Thanks.
  • "If something felt right, I’d drive all night in a push-up bra to get there." Talk about pure clarity. Thanks for that gold nugget as I mull over several "potential possibilities." Potential 'cause I realize they all are NOT true possibilities for my highest, best self. I read somewhere that discernment isn't knowing right from wrong, it's knowing right from *almost* right. Discernment is sometimes that small, focused feeling that we can't assign "appropriate" justification or words -- and as you say, we don't have to, thankyouverymuch. Thanks for reminding me of this. xoxo
  • Oh amazing amazing, thank you Danielle. my family are all huge rationalisers, and i'm the 'random' acts of gut instinct one. hard not to get into the game of justifying yourself, but as soon as you start that, your brain gets sooo messy. clarity comes form the heart. way to go D! xx
  • Paula
    Clever is what people want to hear = external motivation = likely to be unhappy over the long run.
    Describing feelings = exploring internal motivation = more likely to move in a more authentic direction = happy!
    Thanks for clarifying that for me.
  • katerichards
    Danielle! Wow,another great post! You always inspire me. You rock my internal mic!
  • katerichards
    Danielle! Wow,another great post. You always inspire me. You rock my internal mic!
  • "declared feelings have sonic reach" - you've done it again, Danielle, every time I read your posts I get a line straight from the mouth of the gods and Anthony Keidis... :-)
  • junior
    Timely for me. Thank you!
  • This is an amazing post. Oh, how many times have I overjustified not doing something until I actually wind up sucking it up and soldiering on ... I don't have enough fingers to count. Yes! It makes me into a victim, all because I don't want to be judged by others for quitting. In America, quitting is B A D. Unless of course you have good reason for it. And a gut feeling? Isn't a reason. It's a weakness (or so goes the American culture).

    I have padded myself with overintellectualizing my entire life because I've never believed my feelings were valid enough to justify anything.

    This is a galvanizing post for me. Thank you.
  • ronnadetrick
    Fabulous, Danielle. 'Felt like I was sitting across from you with coffee (or wine) and hearing some of your best stuff; stuff you know like the back of your hand from your own hard-won experience - which makes me want to listen and obey - quickly! The kind of stuff that most definitely feels right; that I'd actually drive all night in a push-up bra to hear - and then implement! Thank you!
  • Beautiful post. Thank you!
    This was e x a c t l y what I needed to hear the moment I clicked on your link.
    Well written....well said!
    Maya
  • This is something I learned through parenting. Because, really, the less I say about where my kids sleep, or what they eat, and why, the better off everyone is. Extending that skill to other areas is taking time, but I'm getting there.
  • You've just provided me a lifeline as I'm currently overwhelmed by the noise of what I should be doing when the degree to which it doesn't feel right makes me want to puke. Thank you.
  • Rich, thought-provoking fare as always. You up for a challenge though? What if instinct isn't always the best measure? What if justification, the mining of reasons for ourselves and others, is what we need to bridge the gap between thought and action? Isn't it possible that something doesn't feel right at first but then, once rationally massaged and studied and explored, it takes on a new hue? I don't know.

    Every time I pop by here, my brain starts buzzing. Thank you. xo
  • feels like a philosophical cop out to just say, "sure." but yeah, sometimes (OFTEN) we need to either justify to ourselves WHY we feel the way we do and that exercise gets us clear. And sometimes speaking all the illusory justifications outloud is just what we need to get us to the truth.
  • You will learn in the process of stopping and thinking whether you should go forward or whether you are just rationalizing. It works both ways. Just listen for it and you'll know.
  • On the opposite side, we shouldn't make justifications for saying yes, should we?

    I make some dang good excuse sandwiches. Whether I am saying no or yes. But, sometimes we just have to go with what feels right.

    Well said.
  • yep - works both ways ... why you do/don't, yes/no, love/leave.
  • Katy
    Oh, sister. This is a timely post. May I just say "Amen"!
  • Danielle, this is such an amazing post. Excuses and rationalizations do so much to obscure the true reasons for both our motivation and our resistance. I love this reminder to truly own what you want and act on it, without having to necessarily offer "logical" proof. Whenever I find myself grasping at straws about why I want to do or not do something, it's a signal that something big is going on inside. Sometimes you have to act on it in order to truly understand your own reasons beyond the excuse level of explanation.
  • lemead
    Stand by your heart. Make it matter.

    Oh yes. Truer words to call to me have never been spoken. Thank you for providing consistent inspiration and invocation to do this. Thank you.
  • Hmm... I never considered the excuses we make in this light before. You're right, when it's something that feels right we do what it takes. That resonates and it's something I want to focus on more!
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