the ask-a-friend survey. take a deep breath and just send it.

 
 


Oh would some power the gift give us, to see ourselves as others see us!
- Robert Burns

To be truly witnessed is a mighty thing. When we are recognized and validated by someone else, that moment of communion becomes it’s own little “satellite of love,” as Lou Reed might say. Objectivity is a powerful thing. Objectivity + love can rewrite your whole storyline.

Recognition doesn’t have to be glowing to be powerful. Sometimes having a well-intentioned heart standing next you to say, “I see what you’re going through and man, it sucks,” can be the most helpful thing to hear. And then there are those gemstones that someone plucks out of the heap of our shabby self-perceptions to say that we are stronger than we think, more talented than we give ourselves credit for, and that we’ve come a long way, baby.

Have you ever asked a good friend what they think of you?

Just that simple ... and terrifyingly profound, it goes way beyond, “So like, what do you think of my new haircut? Too short?” Asking someone who loves you how they actually perceive you is an act of deep vulnerability and courage that could open a new route to your fullness - like a doorway hidden behind ivy that you've been too busy to find.

THE WHITE HOT TRUTH ASK-A-FRIEND SURVEY
Sometimes another perspective can create a quantum leap for us. So take a deep breath and...just ask. Yeah, it's a risk, but value is often proportionate to risk. Send your friend a link to this, paste it into an email, pour yourself a glass of wine and pick up the phone.

: What do you think is my greatest strength?
: How would you describe my style?
: What do you think I should let go of?
: When do you feel that I am at my best?
: What do you wish I were less of, for my sake?
: When have you seen me looking my most fabulous?
: What do you think I could give myself more credit for or celebrate more?

The prerequisite is this: only send these questions (or make up your own) to someone who: you respect, makes you feel more like yourself, and actively adores you. This isn’t about being critiqued or gutted. The purpose of this exercise is to see your self more clearly so that you can rise to your own fullness.

I had a friend ask me once. On a long hike with nowhere to be, she worked her way into it and said, “Okay, I’m going to ask...What do you think of me?” Big exhale. I was so touched and honoured that I got a bit misty. It felt like a proposal ... that we’d be friends who meet each other with courage and sweetness - that we were really here to help each other make it in life. We talked and laughed for hours. Beaming...together. A satellite of love.

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RELATED:
inhale suffering, exhale compassion

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join the convoposted 4 Feb 09 in: White Hot, relationships + sex articles   ·   tags:   ·   View Comments

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  • Guest
    Has this anything to do with the book, Keeping the Love You Find?
  • Christine
    It thrills me and scares me and excites me all at the same time. I'm gonna do it.
  • do it, do it!
  • Danielle Berrien
    As I prepare for a change in life - to live and work more authentically, I've decided to send this to 9 dear people in my life. I think I know what I'm good at, but I want to be able to consider the feedback and see myself more from other's perspective to get a better read. I did as you said and took a deep breath and sent out my email. I'm open to adventure.
  • 9 pple?! You are a brave soul. I'm deep breathing on your behalf!
  • hi Danielle - great post - thanks - I will try these! Another fun question to ask is
    "if I were on the front cover of a magazine, which one would it be and what would the article be about?"
  • I did this with one of my best friends and it opened our hearts and was a great experience!
  • I can't wait to do this!
  • Michelle
    Gulp. I love this. I have a gaggle of dear galpals whom I know would gladly do t his for me/with me AND, it makes my heart beat fast, which, all in all, is a good thing. Thanks for the inspiration to keep it real.
  • This is a very interesting one, Danielle. While I love the direction of it, and the tremendous value both parties experience, here is a twist. There is a whole new level of depth that emerges when I talk NOT about who you are (attributing characteristics, skills, gifts, etc to you), but who I AM when I am around you. What is your impact on me, my being, my sense of self.

    For instance, I can say that every time I visit your site, Danielle, I am inspired by the richness and eloquence of language. I discover beauty in a new combination of words, all of which I know, yet have never put them together in such a way before. I am being touched and moved by a seemingly "static" media (my computer screen) and discover, again and again, how language creates tangible experiences in my heart, mind, and soul. And, yes, there are also moments of feeling inadequate in my own linguistic expression (which is my own "thing" - a common destiny of an eternal immigrant).

    There can be a longer conversation around it...
  • I'm new to the site, but I would say your passion is your strength. You aren't afraid to tell people like it is. I sometimes notice myself holding back so I don't hurt people feelings.

    I'm going to send these questions to my close friends and see what type of response I get back. Thanks!
  • please let me know how the Q's go down with your friends. Here's to the Revolution.
  • WOW -- that takes balls!

    Seriously, it's hard to find someone -- even someone most people would consider best friends -- who is willing to be that open hearted and ruthlessly compassionate with you -- and it takes balls to open yourself to that.
  • marty
    you aren't kidding, it takes alot of balls, because as men we have been trained not to show our emotions and if one of us does, there is always some alpha male type there to put us down and ridicule us, although I find that this type is usually hurting the most and needs the most compassion.
  • uh huh. I'm married to a firefighter, and last I checked, they weren't exactly sharing their feelings 'round the fire hall. I read a fantastic book, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys and it really opened my eyes to how tough it is to be a whole man. Of course, women have their own social challenges, but locker room antics and the show no emotion policy - that's some harsh stuff.
  • "ruthless compassion" is one of my favourite combinations. And yep - takes some moxy - just a touch of ruthless and heaps of compassion.
  • Candis Hoey
    Thanks for todays post.
    I am lucky enough to have a couple treasures in my life that I can "check in with" from time to time-whether it's about a lip gloss, my marriage,or what is up with me,it always helps take me back to myself and set me back on track.
    Here's to loving friends who care enough to tell it the way it is.
    C.
  • Years ago my own coach asked me to seek out 10 firends and colleauges and them what my strengths were. What I got back was so powerful and empowering (yes I still have it) that I am still digesting it, and as powerful as what they said was the fact that these peoplle were happy to offer it up. An amazing lesson in opening the door for others to walk in and help.
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