talkin’ sweet about love: what the shrinks need to hear

Nothing like being real! In All your glorious ways!

that's my mom! hey ma - you're the first to comment on my swanky new site. how cool is that?!

I come from a family of psychologists, and they actually talk like that... they also don't get it most of the time. Love your new site - very white, very hot.

love your approach, danielle! i'll be trying this out next time my man gives me grief for that which he really loves about me. compromise is the key but let's first name the "white hot truth". here's something i learned today that applies. "remember rule #6" which means "don't take yourself so !#$%^#$% seriously". somehow i just know that this is something you are never guilty of. good luck on the new venture....

Thanks for this post! I appreciate your frankness. It's so easy to get caught in the trap that holding yourself accountable is THE way to solve things, but taken too far personal accountability can make you a doormat. There is nothing wrong with being accountable but you can't accept others faults as your own.

Thanks again!

Haha...gotta have a wicked sense of humour to keep a relationship hot...once a fun connection occurs the ears open wide! I browsed a book by Steven Stosny recently called "How to Improve your marriage without talking about it." & I may go back & buy it - not only is my husband totally over the talk-fest - so am I. I wanna little ease and I want a little sugar in my bowl....

Moms are always there first!

Preach it sister!

Thank you! You told the truth about this and nothing I can say could make it better. I'm an instant fan.

Hahaha, great piece. :D Funny, and I'll subscribe however I can.

This is very true; I know that sometimes I can be controlling with jonathan & I sometimes hate myself for that, but I would NEVER respond in the way that Dr. So&So says. It's just not practical.

Love the new site, btw. :]

I'm with ya, all that pyscho-babblish love stuff is nonsense, and unfortunately every trait comes with it's downside so self-deprecating humor actually defuses what a mate already knows about you anyway, on a upside day hopefully he/she will tout your control freak glory : ) love white hot anything ; ) thanks for sending the link.

GREAT article, girl. Came at the perfect time. Always trying to figure out how to be true to myself while taking responsibility and being accountable. Duh. You make it seem so easy and sexy. Hats off, sista guru. You're amazing! xxoo

Conditioned consciousness just doesn't work any more. Radical, accountable and conscious sexy honesty makes me kind of like the new me that is presently being created! Sounds like good friction! I love the new you! Keep it up.

Sometimes I feel that we're in a new era of relationships; this post reiterates that idea. Honesty + positivity + flexibility is the cocktail that works for me and my partner. Zen Lill is right that each trait we love comes with a downside, but it's the good stuff that made us fall in love. What I love most about M is also what drives me mad sometimes. I don't think I'd have it any other way.

I'm with ya on this. Tried (twice) to read "Why Talking is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage." Sounded so holy in theory. But every loving action seemed to include me being silent and letting any and everything he said slide. Suck it up, say nothing? Sorry, not this mama. But this post goes right with my theme for the year: Responsible Unapology. I'm going to be me and love me--the smooth, pretty parts AND the funky chinks and quirks.

AWESOME! Love the straight -this is how it is talk.This site is wonderful Danielle.Worth the wait.

I am a tell it like it is woman myself, but I wasn't always that way. I was once a "nice girl" because that was my upbringing. Then one of my sons started dating a little "brat" and the lessons in being true to yourself began. He is crazy about her and wants to get married. She said "yes" - just as soon as she graduates from law school. They were living in AZ, but she wanted to go to Hawaii State. She is in Hawaii - he joined the Air Force. (Lawyers don't marry bums and Hickham AFB is not that far away.) Their relationship rocks. My relationship was rocky, so I began following her example. My hubby was an abusive jerk. The psychological manipulative kind, so I moved out and told him that if he wanted me to come back that he was going to have to be some one I wanted to be with. It took him all of 30 days to make a choice and six more months to change enough that I was willing to come back. Everything is not necessarily sunshine and roses, but pretty damned close. He starts heading in the wrong direction and I remind him I have options which don't include him if he would rather be that other husband I left. I admit that I have done some pretty heavy duty soul searching and changing myself. It is always a 2 way street. Sherry Argov's books are a must if you've been practicing doormat techniques because you were taught to play nice and keep the peace so every one will love you, and be happy. - which some how never seems to include you.

Yes!

I going to thoroughly enjoy your blog. So glad to have stumbled across it. Thank you for this.

thanks so much for this D! I was thoroughly irritated by the good doc's advice.

I wish I knew you YEARS ago!! Very cool!! Love it!!

yeah, I'm a white girl, but that's probably not what white hot love refers to is it? just sounds that way.

anyway, when i saw white hot love i thought of embers not so much a racial thing. i wonder tho how that might be for other folks, unwhite, not like myself. you , for example, might be a personof color for all i know.

back to the post, well, i really like it. the fact it was recommended by a new fave writer jonathan mead and the fact that i was just talking about "change" as in my own self-centeredness today, and the fact that i do read oprah, not white--you wouldn't have been criticizing her personally here would you have?

well, before i embarrass myself too much, i better get my white hot a$$ out of here and click on the cute icon above.

Oooooh - kick it off with a bang! Great post...who knew, you're a love guru too!

Gorgeous! Yes. Exactly.

liked your post... well, ok... loved it...
and makes me want to share two points:
one - i have tried something similar to what Dr. Burns says... and it worked like magic.
two - but what you say is more practical as in 'practice-able'. Doing it Dr. burns way is like suddenly turning your car 180 dgrees - you can do it only when it is on a revolving platform... or anything where the car is not in normal mode of use.
while what you say is like turning the car with the steering wheel - gently, as it is in motion.

to practice burns advice, i will need to first become a zen monk...
so... thums up to your way. atleast for us 'normal' people.

This post was awesome. I love your sass and raw honesty. You inspire me to strip away my should(s) and fears to revel in just me. Thank you very much for that. :)