women

burning questions with Patti Digh: poetic choices

Substance. Mindfulness. Deep play. Meaning-making.

Patti Digh.

(Insert a very humble bow, a Namaste, my hands folded in respect, and a "Woot! Woot! Patti's the bomb." Ommmm Patti.)

1. What is the question that you are currently living?
The question I live every morning is the one that started me on my current journey: What would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live? It’s a question—and a time frame—that provides immediate perspective to my life. And it’s a tough question some days, because we are filled with “have to’s” and “should’s”. We learn those patterns at such a young age… I’m learning to really understand at a deep level that I am always, ALWAYS, in choice. I may not choose my circumstance, but I certainly choose how I am in that circumstance. That single-handedly eliminates my abdication of personal responsibility—and that, frankly, sucks some days when I’d rather blame things on others.

In this brave new 37days world, “have to” is changed to “choose to,” and “should” is changed to “will.” In this world, “I’ll try to” becomes “I will” or “I won’t” and “I can’t” becomes “I choose not to.”

Living as if you are dying provides immediate, sudden, potent clarity.

2. What makes something poetic?

Everything, EVERYTHING is poetry. Everything is poetic. If you’re alive, you’re a poet. If you’re alive, you’re an artist. Life itself is a creative act. I see poetry everywhere—in the way a waiter hands me my vegan enchilada, in the way the train doors close at the Atlanta Hartsfield International Airport, in the reflected smile of a cab driver in his rear view mirror when I ask about his children whose pictures are so proudly displayed, in the pain we feel when we encounter deep, vast soul-numbing loss.

There’s a wonderful quote from Osho: “When I say be creative, I don’t mean you should all go and become great painters and great poets. I simply mean let your life be a painting, let your life be a poem.”

What makes something poetic is our belief in poetry, of a meaning far beyond the surface of the thing itself, of metaphor, of the dance we dance daily between content and form.

3. What split intentions have you unified?

Oh, honey. How much time do you have?

I’ll start with just one.

As my business partner, David Robinson, taught me from his work as a theater director teaching young actors: “You can’t play two intentions at the same time on stage.” So you can either warn Hamlet or work to get the audience to love you, but you can’t do both at the same time.

My greatest learning about this came in the form of my most recent book. It wasn’t written for publication. I didn’t try to tailor a query to fit what an editor was looking for. I didn’t engage an agent to sell the idea of it. I simply sat down and wrote for my two daughters, completely disengaged from the market, the product. It was the process that mattered: a writer writes.

My single, solitary intention was to leave behind my stories for my two daughters so that when I die—whenever that is—I will be leaving behind an important part of myself for them, something more important than a collection of grapefruit spoons. I felt great urgency about that, because we never know when we will die. I could be on Day 10 of my last 37 right now—and I would never know that.

The greatest gifts of my life emerged from that single intention—in the form of relationships—with my family, with readers around the globe. That work, more than anything else I’ve ever done, speaks to the power of a single intention. I was writing, head down. And I try every single day to get back to that.

4. What piece of advice have you been given that you apply the most frequently?

When our oldest daughter was little, a good friend suggested that we get down on our knees and actually “walk” around the house that way to see it from her eye level. It was an eye-opening journey. In my work as a social justice activist, and also as a writer and speaker, I get on my knees and walk around in someone else’s reality a lot. It’s important to try as much as possible to see what others are seeing, particularly if they are disagreeing with you, particularly if they are belittling or negating you. What drives them? What do they see in the world? What is their vantage point? Their access point? Getting people to where you are is a hell of a lot easier if you give them directions from where they are, and not from where you stand, all sure of yourself.

5. What book(s) are you always telling people to read?

The Time of Our Singing by Richard Powers. The man is, hands-down, a genius. His writing is brilliant, each sentence (each one) a combination of words so beautiful that it makes every writer jealous. He is a gracious, amazing man and this is the best book about race in the U.S. I’ve ever read.

6. I’m going to give you a word. Tell me what the first thing that comes to mind when you read it… Ready? The word is: DIGNITY.

Our dignity as human beings isn’t something defined by who we are in the world as individuals, but it’s defined only in community, by the quality of the engagement between us, by the quality of the space between us, by our ability to navigate those liminal spaces. Until we are ready and able to grant the same level of specificity to others as we grant ourselves, there is no dignity. Until we know that the homeless person in Pack Square and the hungry Haitian displaced from his home, and the refugee from Rwanda, and the white male CEO, and the shamed golf star are as fully complex and human as we are, there is no dignity, there is only privilege and judgment.

7. What do you know to be true, unquestionably beyond doubt, certain with every cell of your being, completely, passionately, righteously certain?

I know that when I am on my deathbed, I will be surrounded not by legions of people all over the world who may have come in contact with me or my work, but by a very small group of what I call my “human survival units.” Knowing who those people are is vital. Knowing that we are made up not of atoms, but of love and stories, is also vital. When we die, what’s left is love in the form of stories. I know that death ends a life, but not a relationship.

......

FIND PATTI

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For info on Patti's free teleseminars, sign up for the Circle Project newsletter. I can attest, here teleseminar are truly excellent.

And check out her latest post: How to Write (a book). A Wee Rant. Brill.

 

one of the most powerful questions, ever

"What's dying to be born?" Lianne said to some of us women over mint tea earlier this year. Kelly. Ronna. Gwen. Lee-Anne. We nodded, quietly, taking it into our hearts. It was a lot to take it.

This question wouldn't leave Lianne alone. (What question won't leave you alone?) Until she knew she had to give it it's own red tent in which to be explored. She sent out a fiery, impassioned request to dozens of global-hearted chickas - among them, Martha Beck, Meg Wheatley, Brene Brown, Patti Digh, Colleen Wainwright - and midwifed a veritable feast of wisdom and art. (NOTE: creating a work of art can be that easy when you don't hold back.)

Click here to download free copies of What Is Dying to Be Born. It's generous and intense. Leaders of every kind should read it. And because Lianne Raymond is such a multilingual mystic, it's full of gorgeous art work.

My contribution to the collective goes something like this (an excerpt):

What is dying to be born?
The beauty of our DNA is dying to be born: an acceptance of the order of chaos; the reverence of High Priestesses in the grocery store; the force of incredibly tender men; the critical necessity of senses that transcend technology.

The genius heart is being born.

NOW THAT DAMN QUESTION WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE
This question has since set up it's own lounger in corner of my psyche, and it's been demanding to be fed. When I worked in Washington DC with a team of futurists and freaky braniacs, this question, to varying depths, drove everything we did. Scenarios on AIDS in Africa, water wars, extraterrestrial contact, the evolution of consciousness. The Future In All Its Gore and Glory. Naturally, we were obsessed with it.

But these days I'm much less interested in the future and fancy suppositions as I am about the present. If we can penetrate the present, we can be more pro-creative with what's next. When we can clearly see the now - as the hologram that it is, we step into to our Godliness.

WHY THIS QUESTION IS SO POWERFUL (IF YOU LET IT BE)
There's a similar question that I've come across with organizational development consultants and high-minded facilitator types: What wants to happen? It's effectual, for sure. It allows for authenticity to surface. But what's so freaking brilliant about Lianne's question is the double entendre of it:

1) What is dying to be BORN - gotta hatch, must happen, on the way, what emphatically desires to be real?

2) What is DYING to be born - crumbling, fading, breaking down, in order that something therefore can be... born?

I'm interested in the dying part today. Because this question comes with a premise, I think: something must die in order to be born. Today, I believe that.

And if this is true, then we've got to ask this of our lives: What needs to die?
Fears. Perceived failures. Contracts that bind too tight. Excuses for hatred where compassion is called for. Limited thinking. Antagonism. More fear. Callousness. Lethargy. Cynicism. Greed.

These are big sweeping concepts. We tend to place them "out there" on groups and nations and others. But each of us has some stinky, life-sucking behavior, or paradigm, or dis-ease, that is having it's way with the best of us - the part of us that always wants to be born. And whatever it is, (and it's probably ugly) it needs to die so that you can be You. Fully.

Euthanize whatever is holding you back. (Might I suggest that you do it gently, swiftly if you can, ideally with gratitude and free of aggression.) That's the only way to know what's dying to be born.

. . . . . . .

POST THE POST

subliminal plug: I'm creating a digital program for entrepreneurs... ommm... I will be launching pre-sales in a few weeks... omm. It's called THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS... omm. You need to have it... omm. It will be spectacularly USEFUL... ommm...

Speaking of useful, the GOLD DIGGING EXCURSION to help you "dig up your website’s hidden profit-opportunities", is almost full. I give it a 4 star + a high 5 recommend. Click here to visit Sarah Bray.

 

fire starter profile: Financially Smitten’s Lora Sasiela

Lora Sasiela is the founder of Financially Smitten. We did a Fire Starter Session last year and I was truly impressed with her knowledge (she's a psychotherapist by training and trade) and spirit (she's on a full tilt mission to help women make and manage real money.) When she launched her new site and workshop line up, my immediate reaction was, "yesss!" I smiled big and thought to myself, "She did it right, and she did it sassy." Read on for a dose of sage advice that you can take to the bank.

1. Cocktail line:
I'm on a mission to put the femme in finance. You know how so many women are scared about money and think that if they don't deal with it, it will just magically go away or somehow take care of itself? Well, I take them by the hand, and using a proven blend of financial therapy and money coaching am able to support them in creating a conscious and empowered relationship with money. Through this transformative work they are able to kiss their financial heartache goodbye and start rocking their money mojo.

2. Best lesson:
Be careful what you share with whom. (more...)

 

fire starter profile: tara-nicolle nelson, rethink realestate

My Fire Starter clients are...on fire, of course. From RealEstate, to design, to culture jammers, they've got the goods and they're here to share them.

1. Cocktail line:
I'm a real estate broker and attorney by training, but what I really do is create content that feeds the informational cravings of smart women who want to live prosperous lives, and know that being a smart property owner is one way to do that. My main media for consumers are books, webinars and live events. But I also use those same media to help our corporate clients deliver their marketing messages to women real estate consumers.

For example, I've created about 200 articles, tutorials and video webisodes for HGTV's listing website, FrontDoor.com.

Oh - and I also train real estate professionals who want to attract women homebuyers and -sellers into their businesses.

2. Best lesson: (jumbo mistake, repeated learning - the hard way.)
Gurus are everywhere. I honor the failed relationships - business and personal - in my life because of the lessons I've learned.

3. Smartest money spent:
My first home. Law school tuition. Losing a home to foreclosure (the lessons were oh-so-worth it.) (more...)

 

burning questions with jen louden, the comfort queen

"Comfort Queen." Who doesn't want to meet the woman who earned that title?

Jen Louden is the author of the Oprah-loved The Woman's Comfort Book, a coach who describes her typical client as "smart, curious, has a pretty good sense of humor, and doesn’t suffer fools lightly." (sound familiar?) And one of the innovators of the "virtual retreat."

Her next virtual retreat is right around the corner: Refresh, Reawaken, & Rediscover Who You are in Ways that Truly Work, February 12th-14th.

I especially love Jennifer via video. When she talks about getting the "renewal I need for my soul..." I want it. When she talks about going from "the grind to the organic flow..." I'm nodding. I believe the twinkle in her eye. I start fantasizing about radical self-care and spa time, spirit-centered creative retreats, and meandering to the beat of my heart and I...feel comforted already.

1. What do you know to be true, unquestionably beyond doubt, certain with every cell of your being, completely, passionately, righteously certain?

That I love the bejuses out of my daughter. That befriending myself is better than kicking myself. That I am never alone. That little in life is fixed. That planning isn't the same as creating. That depletion is another name for hiding your genius. That creating stuff makes me happy. That it's not about me. That Bob loves me. That nature restores my faith. That my body is the way in. That yoga heals. That books are a miracle. That women will bring about the change we are hungry for. That life is a hoot. Oh, and expect the Spanish Inquisition and be pleasantly surprised when all goes well.

2. What did you decide to stop doing in order to be the real Jen, instead of the gotta-have-it-all, do-it-all Wonder Woman version so many of us are burning out for?

Anything to do with details - I'm a big idea person and very bad with the details. Tracking things. Spelling. House cleaning. Cooking. Sending birthday cards. Committees - never never ever. I'm trying to learn how to hire someone who can help me hold my business. There is an energetic plus detail letting go that is next for me.

3. What happens when women find their voice?

What doesn't happen? When I wrote my first book in 1992, The Woman's Comfort Book, that was my feminist manifesto. True self-care liberates self-trust and trust in something larger than yourself and that creates a chain reaction from "I will keep my paycheck husband thank you very much" to "I don't have to work at a job I hate. I can go back to school / start my own business."

Claiming our own lives and our own desires can start to feel hackneyed as in old hat, already done, so basic. When in fact, claiming our voice, our selves, will always be the essential act of growing up. Ignore it or belittle it at your own peril. (more...)

 

burning questions with ronna detrick: faith + feminism

Ronna Detrick looks you in the eye. And she listens. And when she speaks, you can see her pulling down wisdom from St. Theresa to Simone de Beauvoir through the filter of her own lived experience, to give you gem of grace - or grit. And, she can write - like a poet on a practical mission. Like a feminist with faith.

Women! (And the fine men who adore us,) come to the Red Tent of White Hot Truth. Ronna is in the house.

1. Let's start with a big one: how do you define feminism?

I define feminism as more of a personal characteristic than a political or social statement. It's who I am, how I am, and yes, certainly what I am. It's an honoring of the strength, power, and inherent worth in women. It's a naming of the places in which those realities aren't honored. It's a way of being that says, "I will not be silenced; I will live out loud. I will not edit or censor myself; I will tell the truth. I will not be safe; I will be dangerous, provocative, risky, and bold."

2. Another whopper of a question - because you're a massive spirit, Ms. Ronna, what's FAITH got to do with FEMINISM?

Mmmm. A tough one. Much I don't know. Lots of answers I don't have. But here's what I do know: the two are not mutually exclusive. Faith, whether it be in ourselves, God, Goddess, Buddha, Mohammad, or the powers of the Universe, is a potent and beautiful thing. It enables hope. It invites desire. It softens and strengthens and sings. As a feminist I want to be able to embrace and embolden every aspect of my life and my world. (more...)

 

burning questions with naomi dunford, domanatrix of itty biz

A straight-talking female entrepreneurial adviser, SEO cracker jack, with a giving heart who knows her value and has a proclivity for fishnets? How could I not be smitten? What I love about Naomi Dunford's work is that it's a) incredibly practical and logical, and b) it radiates an intention of "I'm really here to help you. Really."

If you feel shitty, Naomi is there for you. If your customers are telling you they're too broke to buy your great stuff, Naomi is there for you. If you're scared that you don't have an ounce of creative great stuff in your marrow, yep, Naomi is there for you. With the real goods - generous intelligence and the crack of her whip. Take that! She knows you need what she's got. Bad.

1. What do you know to be true, unquestionably beyond doubt, certain with every cell of your being, completely, passionately, righteously certain?

You know, it's taken me a week to answer this question and now, finally, I've realized that I can't let you sit there waiting for my answers forever, while I think about what it is that I'm certain about. Perhaps it's best to be honest and say... nothing. I don't think I'm that certain of anything. I have been certain about so many things and the jarring proof of my wrongness has always been immediate and in direct proportion to the level of my certainty.

Maybe I'm most certain that it is wise to avoid certainty.

2. What was the dumbest thing that you used to believe in?

That I had to make lots of money to be happy. (more...)

 

burning questions with kelly diels: cleavage + faith

Have you seen Kelly Diels' cleavage? It's deep. She writes with rapier wit and overflowing love, about "everything we all want more of: sex, money, and meaning." And feminism. And Malcolm Gladwell. Yep. She's hot.

I read everything she writes. EVERYTHING, honey.

1. What’s your super hero name? (You have one. To discover it, stand with your legs apart and hands on your hips, tits up and eyes to the sky. It’ll come to you. FYI, Mine is Agent Now, which in French translates to L’Agent Maintenent. Adorable n'est pas?)

Madame Passionista. I wear a chain skirt strung with laptop keys and knee high - hell, thigh-high - boots that are not made for walking. My primary super power is the blazing epistle of righteousness and my secondary one is unmentionable in certain circles but makes me very, very popular.

2. What's the best advice you've been given in terms of writing or creativity?

Believe.

3. What do you know to be true, unquestionably beyond doubt, certain with every cell of your being, completely, passionately, righteously certain?

That I am loved.

4. What global policy, credo, practice or law would you like to decree?

This is heavy: an end to sexual abuse in all forms.

5. What book(s) are you always telling people to read?

Freakonomics. I freaking love it. I love work that uses old tools - like economic theory and modeling - in new and quirky ways. I also adore the way my future husband, Malcolm Gladwell, spins essays into intellectual whodunnits.

But my favourite book of all time is To Kill A Mocking Bird.

6. I’m going to give you a word. Tell me what the first thing that comes to mind when you read it… Ready? The word is: instigate.

Shit disturber. My girls. Myself. Provocateur.

7. What question are you currently living?

Faith? Faith. It is new to me. Faith in myself, faith in the universe, faith in the leap and the fall, faith in those that love me and those who don't, faith in my instincts - I'm sidling up to faith.

Bonus Q: Before we go, Tina Turner asked me to ask you: Kelly, What's love got to do with it, got to do with it?

Oh, EVERYTHING, honey.

. . . . . . .

FIND KELLY DIELS
Cleavage.com
Twitter: @kellydiels
Facebook

 

the goddess of grief: getting to the other side. and there is always another side.

This article has been a long time coming. You may want to put the kettle on.

"Grief can make a liar out of you because there is a disconnect between how you feel, and how you think you're supposed to behave." This was Maria Shriver's intro to her heart-gripping talk at the 2009 Women's Conference. I stumbled across the live telecast. The topic: Grief, Healing & Resilience. Interesting topic for a conference. That's kind of pushing it, I thought.

Then Marissa tweeted about grief catching her off guard. Ronna wrote about the barn burning down, and Emma started thinking about death - a lot. Kelly riffed about endings because she was inspired by Lianne philosophizing about "something dying to be born." Guess the death thing is up for the sistahs this season, I thought.

And then I went to a Transformational Speaking workshop with Gail Larsen - which is really group therapy disguised as enlightened toastmasters (and one of the best learning experiences I've had.) Gail spread out a large quilt on the floor with the cycles of life stitched in a big circle. She calls it the Journey Well Wheel. "Stand or pull your chair to where you think you are at this time of your life," she instructed. Easy, I thought, I'm here, at the Seek Support-Experiment-Emerge stages. Just before which is Grief and Letting Go. But no matter how I tried to stay in my place, my chair mysteriously kept eeking toward the grief zone. Like a ghost was pushing me - away from the lie, toward the white hot truth. Black as it was.

LAST YEAR, I DIED
I handed over the keys to the studio/office I'd help to fill with staff, laptops and artwork - to the company that had my name on the door, on the parking stall, on the book, the domain name, the shareholder certificates. Passwords were changed. Computers stripped. Lawyers retained. The CEO I was so wise to hire was given the go ahead to change the business model - and the new strategy didn't include very much of me. I was out.

A few months after my, uh, departure, I was scrolling through Craigslist looking to buy a new desk and came across a desk that I loved - no wonder, it was my desk - my former desk. And that is how I found out that the company was having a going out of business sale. The company was divided up and auctioned off - the book, the intellectual property, the website. Sold to the highest bidders. It was over, except for major bank debt, for which I was partly personally liable.

I'm feline by nature - a gold medalist in Landing On My Feet. This year: I launched WhiteHotTruth to a great reception (a thousand thank yous to each of you for being here.) I did Fire Starter groups in about sixteen cities. I've worked with nearly one hundred Fire Starter clients. Shot a demo reel for a new TV show that I could star in. Spoke on some very big stages. Scored a gig as commentator of a national prime-time TV show. Gave dozens of interviews. Wrote a book proposal. Outlined two more books, and have strategized a content and collaboration roll out for 2010 that has me ablaze with more artistic joy than I have ever experienced. Creative sovereignty rocks. Hard.

Those are the facts. Facts can disguise grief...only for so long.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler's legendary Five Stages of Grief applies just as much to the death of dreams and identity as it does to people: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It's brilliant, compassionate, and whole, like a Goddess.

Grief is one of the most powerful Goddesses. She swallows your agony and lets it tear her apart. Beautiful birds fly from her belly - each one an insight into life and your power. Grief brings the whole flock to your window and she waits and waits to reveal universal truths to you. She goes to the depths with you. She rises with you.

Grief won't rest until you swallow the medicine she made especially for you, and tell her your story of death...and life.

HOW TO ABSORB THE MEDICINE OF GRIEF

1. Grief messes with your focus. When she's tap-tap-tapping on the door of your consciousness, it becomes difficult to concentrate. You're not sure what the priorities are, not sure where to put your attention, and when you do put it somewhere, it slips off easily. Time does not feel fresh, it feels a bit stale. Launching new things feels awkward, subtly inappropriate.

Give your self space to meander, aimlessly. Aim less. Under achieve. Be confused. As Nietzsche said, "You must have confusion in your heart to give birth to stars." You are giving birth to a new reality. It takes tremendous resources. Healing hurts before it feels right.

2. Grief is patient. Grief may operate on a time-release capsule system. She'll let you be busy and distracted for a long period of time before she descends. She respects survival mechanisms and the necessities.

So go ahead and throw yourself into work or hobbies. Just know that...

3. Denying grief her power squelches your vitality. You can dream and laugh and march on, but until you swallow the bitter tea that Grief has brewed, things won't be as vibrant or grounded as they could be. And that's half dead.

Recognize where you are numb. Notice the memories that ouch the most. This is the beginning of response-ability.

4. Grief crystallizes in your body. The medicine will get stuck in your muscle memory and joints. It needs to circulate and be digested.

You have to dance grief to the surface. Stomp. Rock. Stretch. Move without your intellect getting in the way. Keep moving.

5. Grief thinks scars make for great tattoos.

Accept that you'll never be the same. Trauma marks you. Embrace how much more dimensional you've become.

6. Like Bindu just reminded me, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." (Maya Angelou). Grief needs to hear your story told.

Speak it out to a sacred listener. Be witnessed. And then...

7. Tell a new story, one that includes the description of how you healed. The Goddess of Grief's favourite word is Goodbye. You can smile when you say that.

 

best of 2009: meet ups, workshops, and blog pow

Best night out: September 30. Tweetup at the Thom Bar, SOHO NYC. Hot, high-minded women in NYC, lounging and laughing. I mean, really. In the red tent that night was, Bindu, power Kate, Rochelle the inspired dancer, the When I Grow Up Coach, a Bronx Beauty, an insecure Ivy Leaguer, a lawyer come entrepreneur, a pole dancing techie, Step Up's Selena, and other new and familiar femmes. The highlight had to do a very animated conversation about clits and literature. Not in that order.

Best workshop or conference: Gail Larsen. Transformational Speaking. Two weeks ago. Runner up: Patty Digh and David Robinson's tele-seminar, Playing With Blocks.

Best blog find of the year: Cleavage, from Kelly Diels.