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what it means to forgive

"...holding no prisoner to guilt, we become free."
- The Course In Miracles

Someone asked me this week, "Have you forgiven so and so for such and such?"
And I did the puppy head tilt, "Huh?"
This question throws me for a loop.
"Well...I don't really feel like it's my place to forgive them," I replied.

It's not that I condone bad behavior, it's not that my heart doesn't get pinched, and it's not that I forget - 'cause I'm not the forgettin' type, that's for sure. But there's something about "forgiveness" that seems, okay, forgive me, but...arrogant.

"I forgive you." It rings of, "I bequeath to you...I permit you...I hereby knight thee..." It feels lording. A friend asked for my forgiveness once and I felt embarrassed, and intensely reluctant to add to her shame. I started laughing. "As if," I said. "Duh, like, whatever, it's done, over, let's get on with things."

I'm a Very Big Believer in accountability. I think the Truth and Reconciliation movement is a monumental leap in humanity's evolution. The heart can transform the ghastly into the educational, and betrayal into blessings galore. Forgiveness is a lever to our divinity. BUT...

Unexamined forgiveness is a distortion, just like "I love you," can mean, "you fill my holes," or, "you meet my requirements therefore I adore you." Distorted forgiveness makes you right, which usually makes the other person wrong - the ego loves that equation. Even though your eyes are smiling while you're saying "I forgive you," there might be a little voice inside saying "Ha! gotchya."

True forgiveness is...well I'm not entirely sure what true forgiveness is. I'll let you know when I ascend to those heights of all knowingness, {in which case I'd be levitating and too blissed out to write little articles about self realization...} But I am wondering if enlightenment relies on the forgiveness formula. As The Course in Miracles puts it, "Forgiveness is unknown in Heaven, where the need for it would be inconceivable."

Duh. My sentiments exactly.

. . . . . .

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the “i don’t know” conspiracy

Tough spot, painful circumstance, official dilemma. A total jam.

"I just don't know what to do."

Hmmm. Then what? If you just don't know what to do, then what are you going to do? Probably nothing. If you declare you don't know then you won't...know. You'll just sway back 'n forth in the lull of your status quo unknowingness. No need to change because you just don't want to know. Knowing would change things. Knowing would require you to change things.

If you said to your Commanding Officer, "I just don't know what to do," you'd be scrubbing the latrine in short order. If you told your heart-broken significant other, "I just don't know what to do," it wouldn't exactly foster the mojo or the trust. If the Opportunity Fairy fluttered your way and you told her, "I just don't know," then she'd be off to her next assignment. She might stick around if you showed some initiative, or asked for a night to sleep on it -- anything to show your sincere interest in revelation.

RE-FRAME: Tough spot, painful circumstance....bloody seemingly impossible, grotesquely challenging, borderline hellish:

"I'll figure this out."

How's that feel? Better, doesn't it? More...possible. More upright. Wings ready to spread. Ears piqued to hear universal cues. Instincts at the helm.

Confusion is a marvelous, magical place. Suspending certainty is an act of enlightenment. And "Security," as Helen Keller put it, "is mostly superstition." I'm not talking about being certain {impossible} or being arrogantly presumptuous of what's coming next. I'm talking about responding creatively to life. "I just don't know," is often a cover up for "I don't want to grow."

"I'll figure it out," may mean waiting quietly, even for a long time, on the will of heaven. It may mean turning over every single stone without rest until you find the answer or the escape hatch. It may mean praying til you sweat, surveying the experts, or forty days in the desert. But one thing's for sure, if you declare that you'll figure it out, the possibilities are endless.

 

don’t go changin’

Human beings are capable of incredible transformation. We break through. We break down. We re-invent and we rise from the ashes. Some people even manage to make quantum leaps and extreme emotional makeovers.

But for most of us, we are just who we are and that’s that. People don't change very much. Not really. Your every day “you-ness” has been there since you got here, (just ask your dad, or your kindergarten teacher, or any astrologer.) Extroverted. Jovial. Tender-hearted. Curious. Cautious. Exacting. Bold. For better or worse, your essential personality is likely going to keep on keepin’ on.

This might be an easy notion to accept for your own self. But it gets tricky when we try apply it to all those other people whom we think would be better off if they just, you know, made a few changes...

List 3 characteristics that you wish someone in your life would change. Things like ‘be punctual,’ and ‘say thank you more’ don’t count—those are actually behaviors that stem from bigger personality traits such as considerateness, selfishness, free-spirited, trusting...

Then, list 3 of your own personality traits that have been problematic for you. Pay attention to how you feel as you make this list. Judgment? Futility? Soft-heartedness? Relief?

Now just muse the possible fact that big changes are fat chances. Go there with me. And then consider these options:

1. Love things just the way they are. {Radical, I know.}
2. Commit so wholeheartedly and intensely to change that you blow the odds right out of the water. {And make no mistake: intense commitment is exactly what it will take.}
3. Keep right on wishing. I hear that hope springs eternal.

. . . . . . .

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are you willing to be toast?: authentic transformation

“Authentic transformation is...not a matter of translating the world but of transforming the world; not a matter of finding solace but of finding infinity on the other side of death. The self is not made content; the self is made toast.”
- Ken Wilber

There have been a few ideas that rocked my world. Krishnamurit’s opinion of discipline {it’ll only stifle your true nature,} the possibility that Jim Morrison might still be alive {I believe, I believe!} and Ken Wilber’s description of authentic transformation.

For much of our lives, we naturally dabble in and actively pursue change. Notions of ego-transcendence. Becoming a better person. Finding new language to communicate the same things we’ve been saying all along. Change dabbling is genuinely progressive. It feeds the spring of our creativity. It keeps us fresh. In this context, “change’ is an evolution of selfhood.

But what Ken baby is talking about is a REVOLUTION of self. And that’s mighty appealing in terms of knowing your white hot truth. Just the mere willingness to be ‘toast’, to be shattered, will expand you to new proportions.

So then the question is, are you willing to transform? ... to give it up; to be the fool, to re-write your story, to not recognize yourself; to believe differently; to be something, someone, you have not yet known? Sounds miraculous.

It’s scary. And exciting. Miracles are like that. Authentic transformation doesn’t necessarily depend on a nirvana experience or a nervous breakdown -- though, hitting rock bottom can be incredibly efficient. It can happen over time with new questions and courageous decisions.

You can start a revolution with a lightning-bolt, or by burning one limiting belief at a time. Are you willing to walk through the fire?

 

farewell 2008: know your name

This is one of the most moving tracks off of Jason Mraz's sweet, sexy CD, We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things (2008). This song is a meditation in practical courage.

... If it's a broken part, replace it

But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine...

 

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