authenticity

got boundaries? got class?

e·qua·nim·i·ty
–noun
mental or emotional stability or composure, esp. under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.

Origin: aequ, even, plain, equal + anim, mind, spirit, feelings
Synonyms: serenity, self-possession, aplomb.
Antonyms: panic, disquiet, discomposure, agitation.

GOT BOUNDARIES?
Self respect. Not suffering fools. Not throwing pearls before swine. Being seen, heard, felt. Speaking up for yourself. Original Voice.
Radical self care. Authenticity. Self-soothing. Practice. Ritual. Honouring your needs so you can honour other's. Self referencing. Proudly particular.

All great concepts. Essential to wholeness. Critical for self expression, creativity, and dignity. Doorways to consciousness.

And...potential love-blockers.

YOU KNOW THE TYPE: They've worked so hard to get this far that the world just isn't good enough. They have their issues in check. They have special food requests. They're rather sensitive. You have to make special trips for them. When they talk last in meetings, it's likely to run overtime. They've crafted a system of hard-won self-help philosophies that seemingly entitles them to accommodations wherever they go. They're really annoying.

But wait. Back to me, me, moi....

I've spent so many hours in psychotherapy, and retreats, and boardrooms clarifying my "needs" vs. "wants" vs. "the hungry ghost" vs. "healthy expectations" that when I "surrender" to someone else's "way" it can feel like a stick in my spokes of dignity (and I paid a lot for that dignity.) Such is the foible of Western spirituality. Me first, You next.

But at this point, I'm tender and tough enough to know what love is and isn't. And...

Sometimes, the most enlightened, classy, and loving thing you can do is shut up and put up.

You eat the meat they serve even tho' you're a vegetarian.
You take the tacky gift; you find the common ground in your opposing politics; you smile, darling. And here's the thing: you mean it when you do it.
You suspend being right, or more evolved, or protected, and you intend loving equanimity - because you can.

You accept and flex because it expands you - and that's only good.
You soften because it feels really amazing for everyone involved - guaranteed.
You say thank you because elegance makes the world a better place.

When you become the conduit for graciousness you get stronger, truer, freer and more fiercely alive.

Which is the whole reason we create boundaries in the first place.

. . . . . . . .

NEWSY BITS

Yay! The Fire Starter Sessions Pay-What-You-Can-Day extravaganza made BusinessWeek.com! READ THE ARTICLE.

I'm in the World-Changing Writing Workshop-In-A-Box! It's dark in here, but there's lots of great company. CHECK IT OUT.

VANCOUVER: I'm speaking at the Get Shifted event on September 9. GET SHIFTED.

 

what do you call yourself?

Are you...
girlfriend, or lover?
husband, or partner?
teacher, or trainer?
leader, or director?
decorator, or designer?
advisor, or counselor?
blogger, or writer?
crafter, or artist?

What you call yourself matters.
Words send signals, labels are magnetic.
Your soul deserves accuracy.

MedicinalMarzipan recently asked me:

You distinguish yourself as a writer vs. blogger, can you elaborate on that point? And I said:

I loath the word blog. It’s not pretty. But we’re stuck with it. That’s an aside, really.

Most specifically, I philosophize, and I mostly do that in writing, and I mostly present that on the internet. That’s the Big Real of what I do, and what so many of us do. We’re bigger than our “posts” and “tweets” and when you keep your eye on that, when you let your definitions of yourself be deeply accurate, it influences your creative approach.

I'm a philosopher, which for me, is more accurate than teacher, because "philosopher" connotes both sagacity + continuing exploration.
I'm a strategist, 'cause I sure as hell am too opinionated to be a coach. (Not that brilliant coaches don't have mighty opinions. And BTW, I think everyone should have a coach.)
I'm a mama, which is just mo' fun and sexy than mother, and it's more specific than parent, because my parenting is distinctly, pronouncedly feminine.
I'm a writer. It doesn't matter where my stuff is published - pixelated on the internet, printed in books, or stamped on notecards. I write. For a living/loving even.

I'm as fascinated by what someone does as by what they say they do.

Like this sweet guy at a workshop, "By day I'm a Refuse Manager, which is just a fancy title the city gives me for Garbage Man. I actually prefer Garbage Man, you know? By night I'm a stock trader and student of eastern mythology. I'm a seeker, really. Yeah, a Seeker." Clearly, he's seeking treasures, not garbage.

Labels are a necessary and unavoidable function of most cultures. We need them like we need traffic lights and handshakes.

Recognize if you've outgrown your "title".
Deepen your claim, or lighten it right up.
Carve out your own personal lexicon. Snug, and radiant.
Educate people in who you are.
We want to know, for real.

. . . . . .

INTERVIEWS

Read the full Medicinal Marzipan interview here.

COOL STUFF!
Missed the live version of the World Changing Writing Workshop? CLICK HERE, because now you can get it In-A-Box! And pssst...I got voted the #1 Speaker from the series! Yay!

GET STOKED!

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"This chapter is a BEAUTY — such a kick start.
Your words give me permission to be awesome."
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$20 bucks, baby. And when you're hot for more, you can put the cost of the chapter toward the full-tilt FIRE STARTER SESSIONS program.

>> CLICK HERE to BUY True Strengths + The Metrics of Ease

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depression vs. sadness: the power of mincing words

"When you're depressed, nothing matters. When you're sad, everything does."
- Gloria Steinem, via @spiver, aka Susan Spiver, author of The Wisdom of a Broken Heart

"So you're feeling a sense of hopelessness," the therapist said to me.
"No, I'm feeling despair," I clarified.
"Same thing. You're feeling hopeless," she came back.
"Nooo, I don't feel it's hopeless, I'm experiencing despair. I feel disheartened, but there's still hope here," I said.
"Hope and despair are pretty similar," she said.
"Look it up." I shrugged. "I'm going with despair."

(We didn't last too long as therapist/patient.)

I relish in semantics ("the meaning, or an interpretation of the meaning, of a word.") The more you know about the true definition of a word, the more powerful it is when you speak it. Precision is power.

Depressed and Sad are two very powerful, similar, misappropriated words. Portal words. Sacred words. And if we look more closely at them, we can claim what's true for ourselves and set about transforming depression and sadness into their contrasting states.

Sadness hurts but it signals that you are very, very much alive.
Depression may be the cousin of sadness, sometimes the defended response to unyielding sadness, but it makes you feel anything but alive. It dulls, weighs, and messes with your memory of your true essential nature -- which is that of joy.

I've been through wrenching heart breaks. I've left a decade-long relationship that is still intertwined with my DNA; been devastated by betrayal in business; said goodbye to overseas love that was doomed from the magical start. I've cried those guttural cries that dying animals make, I've canceled meetings because grief caught me off guard en route. I moved arthritically, lugging my heart in a wagon, to get groceries and tend to life on the surface. And through it all, I've felt undeniably, and intensely alive. And this, this is sadness. Acute, sometimes enduring, but always sensory and evocative, sadness.

When you're sad, you're feeling. Sometimes, more than you want to. You wish you could be despondent, but the sadness is sharp and it bleeds your attention from you.

Depression -- a term our med-happy nation uses much too glibly -- dulls one's feelings. Where sadness makes you feel raw and skinless, depression is like wearing a snow suit and mittens and wondering why you can't feel the caress of life. Sadness strips you. As I was just reminded, "Sadness is so f--king cleansing." Depression is muddy and muffling and numbing.

Depression vs. Sadness
Each comes with different gifts, challenges and assignments
Each is a sacred state. Both divine and brutal.
But not the same.
When you respect the difference, you're closer to the cure.

. . . . . . .

INTERVIEW
"If you could give any piece of advice for someone that feels stuck, what would it be?" READ ON AT Pure-Habitat.com

 

THE secret to success. this is IT. for reals.

In one form or another, I've been asked this question a few hundred times:

What's the secret to success?

Variations:
What's the single most important thing you've learned on your journey?
What's your key piece of advice for meaningful livelihood?
What's the greatest cause of failure? How do we overcome fear?
What's your pearl of wisdom for getting unstuck?

Here it is. You heard it here first, lovahs.

The secret to success:

No need to read any further really.

If we all just did what we said we're going to do, we'd experience an evolutionary leap in consciousness more brilliant than solar power and the invention of the wheel. But in case we slip, here's a bit of bolstering...

Do what you say you're going to do.

NO: rounding up what you say, no blowing it off, assuming that they'll forget what you said, hoping that they didn't really hear you, or believing that it's kosher to let it slide. Letting it slide is a slippery slope that leads to sleepless nights and eroded integrity which all adds up to a whole lot of yuck.

Aim for impeccable. There's a great scene in Jerry McGuire, where one of the Zig Ziglar-like "mentor guys" in a polyester suit says in his heavy southern accent, "If I don't return yer call in 24 hours, well, you can rest assured that I am dead." I want that guy on my team.

Mean it. You can ask my home girl, Steph, to go mountain climbing, hook you up with the Mayor, and meet you back for a cold beer all in the same day, and what you'll hear is, "DONE!" She says "DONE!" a lot. At first I didn't know if it was like, a tic, or a truth. But guess what, she gets a lot done -- everything that she says she will.

"Call you tomorrow" ... "I'll send you the link" ... "I'll do my best." If you don't mean it with heart and precision, then just don't say it. Pause. Say thank you. Express an intention. Say nothing. Habitual convo-filler is bad for the environment. I can't scientifically prove it, but empty promises suck wind.

Of course you can't always do what you said you would. Minds change and some prerogatives need their exercise. Batteries die, tragedies happen, the best intentions can get rained out. When you can't or choose not to honour your word, then say so.

Tell the truth, tell it fast, deliver it with sincerity and care.

Words are arrows.
Aim.
You can't always hit the impeccability bull's eye, but even if you're off a smidge, your words will land on integrity.

. . . . . . .

INTERVIEWS

Kira Zuma at the Mathematics of Glamor asked me who my heroes were...when I was 8. READ HERE.

Laura at The Journal of Cultural Conversation and I talked about vocational karma. READ HERE.

 

expand your life, take your dogma for a walk

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all
- Joni Mitchell

Dogma comes in all kinds of packaging -- usually just the right size to fit our insecurities and blind spots. The Greeks defined it as, “that which one thinks is true, good or decent.” Whether you’re fighting for peace (what a searing oxymoron that is,) or you’re converting meat-eaters to veggie burgers, you do what you do because it feels really good to think you’re right. We usually leave the dogma up to "them". You know, "them". But the fact is, that every single one of us is a dogma trouper at the end of the day. Fess up. Laugh at yourself. Get on the bus with all the other righteous bozos.

The church used to have the dogma market cornered, but celebrity culture and the corporations are vying for a hostile take over. Orders, orders everywhere: be good, get rich, be nice, and for God’s sake, be reasonable. There are keys to heaven, keys to the executive washroom, habits for effectiveness, principles for success. Diets. Day timers. And eeew, performance reviews. And how-to’s. Those how-to’s will really mess you up.

Humanist, creationist, capitalist. Pro-gay marriage, -immigration laws, -cigarette taxes. Past-lives, the rapture, the power of now...Dogma. All of it. Just cop to your version of it.

When you admit to your dogma and righteousness, you give yourself some wiggle room. And wiggling is flexible. And flexibility creates spaciousness And spaciousness is daring. And daring is dangerous. And dangerous is scary. And when we're scared, we tend to get...dogmatic.

But we need to return to continual questioning of our beliefs (and our faith) if we're interested in expanding. And communing. And the thrill of certainty. Without certainty, you go mad. Without inquiry, you wither.

LAUGH AT YOURSELF
Some friends and I got to hang with the Dalai Lama for a morning and we grilled him with questions on everything from interplanetary consciousness to politics. And before almost every answer he would laugh his baritone laugh and shake his head and say, “Oh I don’t know, I just don’t know.” It created so much space! Space to wonder.

Me? I think of all I thought I knew and I gotta laugh -- fondly, with a smidge of chagrin. And maybe I'll look back on how wizened I think I am today and bust a gut. Right about now, I care much more deeply about far less. I’m intensely certain about only a few select things in life. And I predict that my certainty will become even more simplified and narrow as I expand with life.

EXPEND EXPAND THE ENERGY
Dogma tends to have a long and viral shelf life because no one likes to admit to being an idiot. So lies get to stay on the payroll, like lazy Larry at the factory, because we unionize our systems of beliefs and we pay our dues because it's easier that way.

Fessing up to the follies of your dogma can burn a lot of energy -- like rockets do before they take off. And you might take some hard knocks (just ask Yusuf Islam aka, Cat Stevens). You might swim up stream for years (like Ariana Huffington on her way to the Democrats' camp.) You might have nothing to talk about with your circle of friends for a while.

But you certainly won't be complacent. And, you won't be tired. You'll be careening through the cosmos on your own terms. Positively certain that you're going the right way -- for now.

 

step away from the karma. choosing not to get involved.

Why do we give?
Why do we hold back?
What does it mean to give freely?
When we give of ourselves, what are we giving?
Can you give too much? Too much...love?


GIVING: Part 1 in a potentially endless series
In this segment, I'm exploring the shadowy side of "giving." The kind of giving that has some barbs on it. It creates snags. It may look free, but it costs your psyche and everyone involved.

Both of these statements are true:

You are the center of the universe.

You're not that important.

Somewhere in that spectrum of interdependence is our tenderly human, potentially very messy need to be needed. The ego loves to be needed.

FREE IT UP
I was called for jury duty this year. It was a murder case. Her name was also Danielle, and she'd been accused of fatally shooting her man. How jury selection works here is that they get a few hundred potential jurors to file into the courthouse. Each person stands before the judge and nine out of ten of them give some reason why they should be let off the hook from doing their civic duty. "I'm a single mom. I'm having surgery. I'll be in Europe. I'm friends with the lawyer." It's a tedious, fascinating process.

This was one of those occasions where I knew I could pull some cosmic strings. It felt within my control to make this go in the direction I wanted it to, but I would have to be piercingly clear about the outcome I desired: on the jury, or not?

I looked at The Accused sitting like a still mouse in a glass box. She was tiny, forlorn, she might have worked in a convenience store. She looked straight ahead, sadly. But when my name was called, she looked my way. Our eyes met, woman to woman, Danielle to Danielle. I shot her some love. She needed it. And in that second, the voice that lives in the center of me said, Poor thing. She did it.

And then my I'm So Important Voice kicked in: I'd be so great on a jury. Like Henry Fonda in 12 Angry Men. Logical but empathic. A leader. A Crusader of Fair Justice. I'd have new stories to tell. This case needed someone just like me. Yeah.

Gross.

Did I really want to play a role in sending someone to prison for life? Did I want to "free" someone who'd killed someone's son? Did I want to play God for a day? It wasn't about time spent. It wasn't about democracy, it was really about something much more powerful than that: influencing freedom.

This situation wasn't a page I wanted in my book. This wasn't for me to carry.

And then that voice that lives in the center of me said: Step away from the karma. Just step away.

Click. My inner gears shifted into high clarity. "God, take me out of this." I said. This was not my drama.

I was next in line to go before the judge. The person right in-front of me was selected as the final juror. Magic Number 12. "Ms. LaPorte," said the Bailiff, "You're free to go."

Freedom, chosen.


. . . . . .

Pre-Order THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS now, and you'll get a Sneak Peek Chapter: True Strengths & The Metrics of Ease

"Sweet Jesus woman, this chapter is a BEAUTY."
- Sarah Lockey

. . . . . .

AWESOME INTERVIEWS
Susannah Conway has the most gorgeous cult following ever. She asked me some fabulous questions about setting your value and inspiration. So, I answered via video. WATCH HERE

Courageous Kate is a deep listener and profound thinker. This is a really great interview about growth and creativity. LISTEN HERE.

 

part 2: lifeblazing interview

PART 2 of 3

Why we've become too politically corrected when it comes to giving our opinions; and the intersection between sovereignty and collaboration (such a great question!)

. . . . . . .

THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS ebook is open for pre-orders, don'tchya know!

 

the fire is lit: behind the scenes of launch day

It's 9:11pm PST on a Tuesday night.

THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS pre-buy has just been launched!

I'm listening to some Hildegard von Bingen chants and drinking the pot of Acai tea that got cold this morning. The house is quiet.

TRUE STORY: I was exchanging dirty jokes with Bindu Wiles earlier today (she's a Buddhist, but she can gutter-mind with the best of them.) Like I had time today, of all days, for crackin' jokes on email. The technology that sits behind the distribution of a digitally-sold digital product, with videos embedded and lotsa pages, and an aesthetic perfectionist at the helm (that'd be me)...we'll let's just say it's a-many-layered beast of beauty that requires some concentration and teamwork. I relented. Some jokes were in order to lighten the mood in order for me to make my life-line (can't use the word deadline, there's nothing dead about this, it's ALIVE!)

So after the exchange of raunchness, while Bindu was drinking Bordeaux on my behalf in a wine-bar in Brooklyn, I zapped her back quickly to say:

like I have time for these antics.
okay serially, now.
can you and yours send mega watts of light my way?
that my launch is blessed ten-fold.
that my content is stellar and improves lives.
that I'm flooded with cash and joy.
launching in a few hours.
hope it doesn't suck.
xo
D

And then Bindu (keep in mind she's probably drunk at this point, and she said she'd laughed so hard at my blue joke that she chipped a tooth.) Anyway, she zaps me right back:

It's so endearing that you are nervous. Such a lovely aspect of you.
Yes of course the Brooklyn Buddhists have your back. Blessings and retweets coming your way.
Everyone is sooooooo excited and waiting. Tomorrow is like Christmas on Twitter.
You have been through a hard push and I hope tonight before you go to sleep you smile and appreciate yourself.
I am so moved by you.
Cheers and cash,
Bindu (and friends in wine-bar)

Now, you know by now that I only share personal stuff if I can turn my anguish and glory into, like, a teachable moment for the universe.

Here it is: art + commerce is tricky shit. Always has been. Always will be.

A highly regarded painter friend of mine said that art shows were, "Like pulling down your pants in front of everyone. Slowly."

In this case, my pre-pre-buy pre-launch pre-flutteries reminded me of this, simply: That I care. Deeply. And that's such a comforting reminder when you're trying to peddle your art. And apparently, it's pretty endearing.

Now please head over to this lovely new section and get yourself a piece of the flame.

With a very full heart,

The raunchy joke? Can't tell. It's family property.

 

burning questions with Patti Digh: poetic choices

Substance. Mindfulness. Deep play. Meaning-making.

Patti Digh.

(Insert a very humble bow, a Namaste, my hands folded in respect, and a "Woot! Woot! Patti's the bomb." Ommmm Patti.)

1. What is the question that you are currently living?
The question I live every morning is the one that started me on my current journey: What would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live? It’s a question—and a time frame—that provides immediate perspective to my life. And it’s a tough question some days, because we are filled with “have to’s” and “should’s”. We learn those patterns at such a young age… I’m learning to really understand at a deep level that I am always, ALWAYS, in choice. I may not choose my circumstance, but I certainly choose how I am in that circumstance. That single-handedly eliminates my abdication of personal responsibility—and that, frankly, sucks some days when I’d rather blame things on others.

In this brave new 37days world, “have to” is changed to “choose to,” and “should” is changed to “will.” In this world, “I’ll try to” becomes “I will” or “I won’t” and “I can’t” becomes “I choose not to.”

Living as if you are dying provides immediate, sudden, potent clarity.

2. What makes something poetic?

Everything, EVERYTHING is poetry. Everything is poetic. If you’re alive, you’re a poet. If you’re alive, you’re an artist. Life itself is a creative act. I see poetry everywhere—in the way a waiter hands me my vegan enchilada, in the way the train doors close at the Atlanta Hartsfield International Airport, in the reflected smile of a cab driver in his rear view mirror when I ask about his children whose pictures are so proudly displayed, in the pain we feel when we encounter deep, vast soul-numbing loss.

There’s a wonderful quote from Osho: “When I say be creative, I don’t mean you should all go and become great painters and great poets. I simply mean let your life be a painting, let your life be a poem.”

What makes something poetic is our belief in poetry, of a meaning far beyond the surface of the thing itself, of metaphor, of the dance we dance daily between content and form.

3. What split intentions have you unified?

Oh, honey. How much time do you have?

I’ll start with just one. (more...)

 

the perils of justifying yourself

Me, you, or someone you know:
“I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m going to …”
Fill in the blank: Quit, sell it, leave, cancel, give it away, walk, resign.

That practical voice inside your head, well-intentioned friends, your granny: “Now, why would you do that?! It’s … (fill in the blank) good money, a great opportunity, you’ve worked so hard, what will you do without it? Can’t you work it out?"

And you bite the hook. In fact, your psyche’s been hanging on it for quite sometime, gnawing on 101 good, practical, and perfectly reasonable reasons why you have the right to make the decision that you’re making. You know, rationalizing. Well how about this rationale:

It doesn’t feel right.

Stay there for a few seconds. It’s a very powerful place to be. It’s elegant. It’s clear. Declared feelings have sonic reach.

And... it can be very uncomfortable. Like the truth can often be before it sets you free.

I recently left a gig because it just didn’t feel right. I struggled with all of the yes, no, make adjustments, suck it up, expand your perspective, get more creative kind of options. A few people thought I was nuts to walk away. Great exposure, cachet, extra money… All true. The “facts” usually are.

I made the tastiest Excuse Sandwich about why it didn’t work for me. I need to find a baby sitter, it interrupts my week, it’s not what I signed up for, I need a haircut, I don’t like so and so or such and such, I need to focus on … All absolutely true. And in the grand scheme, in the greater gestalt of what I'm capable of, totally lame and absolutely surmountable.

If something felt right, I’d drive all night in a push-up bra to get there. When it really feels right, you go out of your way. When something feels right, you put inconveniences in their place.

THE CORROSIVE EFFECTS OF OVER-JUSTIFYING YOUR FEELINGS

JUSTIFYING YOUR FEELINGS:

• automatically puts you on the defense. When you’re on the defense, you burn more energy. Rationalization can be incredibly inefficient.
• over-complicates things.
• perpetuates cleverness. Clever is not a good word in my personal dictionary. It rhymes with slick, manipulative, covert. When you’re trying to rationalize something that is very often amorphous and insular you’ll reach for smooth answers that you think people - or your subconscious - want to hear. And that makes you a salesman.
• depresses your essential self. The more you load rationale onto your feelings, the more padding you create between you and your most powerful, unlimited resource. If you make a habit of keeping your instincts at bay, that tend to stay at bay.
• makes you look and feel like a victim. In an effort to prove and protect, you make up reasons that appear to be more important than your refutable instinct. You whine. You nit pick the situation. You start sounding like the whimp you don’t want to be - instead of the hero that you essentially are. When the passion is there, so is the solution. No problem looks insurmountable when you’re turned on.

Of course, sometimes your greatness demands that you explain your reasons in no uncertain terms. Taking the time to explain yourself can be a fantastically creative act. If that’s what’s called for, then explain how you feel. Hold the excuses. Stand by your heart. Make it matter.

. . .

POST the POST

• I just kicked off an affiliate program for my stationery line.
• "Confidence can be a real high-wire act, and we’re not always sure how well we’re walking it." I dug this article from @joshhanagarne, the guy behind The World's Strongest Librarian.