authenticity

the perils of justifying yourself

Me, you, or someone you know:
“I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m going to …”
Fill in the blank: Quit, sell it, leave, cancel, give it away, walk, resign.

That practical voice inside your head, well-intentioned friends, your granny: “Now, why would you do that?! It’s … (fill in the blank) good money, a great opportunity, you’ve worked so hard, what will you do without it? Can’t you work it out?"

And you bite the hook. In fact, your psyche’s been hanging on it for quite sometime, gnawing on 101 good, practical, and perfectly reasonable reasons why you have the right to make the decision that you’re making. You know, rationalizing. Well how about this rationale:

It doesn’t feel right.

Stay there for a few seconds. It’s a very powerful place to be. It’s elegant. It’s clear. Declared feelings have sonic reach.

And... it can be very uncomfortable. Like the truth can often be before it sets you free.

I recently left a gig because it just didn’t feel right. I struggled with all of the yes, no, make adjustments, suck it up, expand your perspective, get more creative kind of options. A few people thought I was nuts to walk away. Great exposure, cachet, extra money… All true. The “facts” usually are.

I made the tastiest Excuse Sandwich about why it didn’t work for me. I need to find a baby sitter, it interrupts my week, it’s not what I signed up for, I need a haircut, I don’t like so and so or such and such, I need to focus on … All absolutely true. And in the grand scheme, in the greater gestalt of what I'm capable of, totally lame and absolutely surmountable.

If something felt right, I’d drive all night in a push-up bra to get there. When it really feels right, you go out of your way. When something feels right, you put inconveniences in their place.

THE CORROSIVE EFFECTS OF OVER-JUSTIFYING YOUR FEELINGS

JUSTIFYING YOUR FEELINGS:

• automatically puts you on the defense. When you’re on the defense, you burn more energy. Rationalization can be incredibly inefficient.
• over-complicates things.
• perpetuates cleverness. Clever is not a good word in my personal dictionary. It rhymes with slick, manipulative, covert. When you’re trying to rationalize something that is very often amorphous and insular you’ll reach for smooth answers that you think people - or your subconscious - want to hear. And that makes you a salesman.
• depresses your essential self. The more you load rationale onto your feelings, the more padding you create between you and your most powerful, unlimited resource. If you make a habit of keeping your instincts at bay, that tend to stay at bay.
• makes you look and feel like a victim. In an effort to prove and protect, you make up reasons that appear to be more important than your refutable instinct. You whine. You nit pick the situation. You start sounding like the whimp you don’t want to be - instead of the hero that you essentially are. When the passion is there, so is the solution. No problem looks insurmountable when you’re turned on.

Of course, sometimes your greatness demands that you explain your reasons in no uncertain terms. Taking the time to explain yourself can be a fantastically creative act. If that’s what’s called for, then explain how you feel. Hold the excuses. Stand by your heart. Make it matter.

. . .

POST the POST

• I just kicked off an affiliate program for my stationery line.
• "Confidence can be a real high-wire act, and we’re not always sure how well we’re walking it." I dug this article from @joshhanagarne, the guy behind The World's Strongest Librarian.

 

ask me about branding

I'm going to liven up my CBC TV, Connect With Mark Kelley segments - and White Hot Truth for that matter, and field some questions from...you, ideally.

This week's theme: BRANDING. The good, the bad and the how-to. Tell me what you need to know to do it right. I'll take basic to high-concept questions. Just ask.

Leave your questions or ideas in the comments and I'll try to refer to them on air and then answer them in a post.

Ever grateful,
Danielle

And while we're on the subject, you might dig these posts:
: 3 keys to un-branding…and why I changed my twitter name
: kissing ass, quantum leaps, and the power of being unqualified
: 4 questions to shine light on your vocation

 

i get around: latest report

Where I was last month, and a bit...

INTERVIEWS
Lindsey Mead asked me Very Big Questions about meditation & presence.
"I’m more interested in observing my mind than trying to control it. Easier said than done, because there are soooo many others things that I’m also hooked on controlling."

The Get Inspired Project asked me where my inspiration comes from. I think I said something inspiring.

A conversation about style.

A fun interview with Yoyomama, "Being an introverted, controlling, Lone Ranger, Creative-type, it’s really the only way to go."

And this interview on Daily Whip Radio.

RA-RA CHEERLEADING:
I made this great list of 80 Small Business Twitterers You Should Be Following

White Hot Truth has been nominated for a Canadian Weblog Award. Cool. You can vote here.

And, did ya know, I'm one of "Ten People to Help Rock Your Career in 2010"? Uh huh.

WRITING ELSEWHERE
My article on Mothering.com on how unconscious grown ups can be when speaking to kids.

My guest post on IttyBiz: No Bullshit Branding & The Sustainable Empire of You

 

 

idiots, cultivating openness

Think about the most extremely oppositional viewpoint to yours on, say...heterosexuality, polyandry, the right to bear arms, corporate tax shelters, global warming, co-sleeping with your kids, breeding dogs, stem cell research, abortion rights. While you're at it, you may as well consider Third World debt relief and wearing white past Labor Day.

Imagine the Idiot who disagrees with you. Picture the pathetic fool who is actually daft, dense, narrow-minded enough to believe that human beings originated from [insert your theory here.] Or that Britney Spears' take on Presidential authority is actually [insert your opinion here.] How could such a mis-guided [insert political party or age bracket] be right about anything? I mean, really. If you think that extraterrestrial life is actually [insert opinion here], then how can I take you seriously about anything else?

Even a stopped clock is right once a day.
- Winston Churchill

Openness is our greatest human resource.
- Rebecca Walker

One of the most enlightening experiences I’ve had came through an accused corrupt guru. Some of the best love advice I've ever received came from a Baptist Republican. (No one's perfect, and never underestimate the value of having a sweetheart to curl up with after a long day at the office.) A drunk bum on the corner of Vaness & Market told me all I needed to know about parenting (Never, ever lie to them. It teaches them to lie.) Working with Navy Admirals and retired S.E.A.L.S. at the Pentagon taught me a LOT about peace (it has to live inside of you.)

And what did I think before each encounter? Pffft. No way, no how, not you.

The truth is everywhere. Sometimes hiding in plain sight, or beneath presumptions and labels - whether you agree or not.

. . . . . . .

For more on this and my "even bozos can be right theory," you can read or listen to this interview with The Get Inspired Project.

 

stop doing list: part 2 whereby i dictate what to stop

My What's Your Stop Doing List? yielded some cheers. And multiple poetic replies. So poetic that it raised my brow. My right eyebrow arches when I'm being scrutinizing in that really helpful keener (potentially annoying) way. All of the psycho-emotional lovely answers that poured in here and on Twitter and Facebook had me surmise that when it comes to literal to-do's that should be converted into to-don'ts, we habitually resist. My poll was partly a bust.

So I'm flagging the STOP SIGN. Because I want you to free up oodles of time to groove with the Great Essentials of life - and so you can read all the new books I'm launching. Priorities.

15 ACTIVITIES TO STOP DOING THAT WILL FREE YOUR TIME AND YOUR MIND...AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW

1. Stop checking email obsessively. Have you heard? If you're checking email every five minutes, you're checking it 24,00 times a year. Unclutterer.com has some good e-ddiction perspectives.
2. Stop paying everyone else before you pay yourself. It will ease your stress and less stress = more time. (Disclaimer: I have, more than once, paid my staff when there wasn't enough cash flow to pay me as well. That's just leadership.)
3. Stop lugging. Double up on tools. I have two sets of: power cords, mice, earphones, and makeup kits.
4. Stop last minute, rushing, drag-your-ass trips to the grocery store, bank, and video store. HAVE IT DELIVERED. Get a food delivery service for your organics, set up direct bank deposits and auto payments, get DVDs by mail.
5. Stop doing the tasks that are not in your natural skill set, or suck time from doing what you do best that earns the moula. OUTSOURCE. The upspringing of Virtual Assistants is a phenomenon that enables you to get anything done for anywhere from $4 to $70/an hour, from India to Nebraska, from Twitter pages to legal docs. Invest in your freedom.
6. Stop going out of your way to get to a computer. This may sound contradictory on a time-save list but, I think i-Phones can save time and create space. The "I don't want people to think they can get a hold of me anytime" argument is weak. Master your domain and give yourself the POWER OF MOBILITY.
7. Stop shopping for and buying gifts that need to be wrapped. It's a rule that means you buy experiences and gift certificates for things like, concert and conference tickets, magazine subscriptions, MP3s.
8. Stop cleaning your house yourself. I seethe with resentment when I'm cleaning my stove because I could be doing something I love that makes me money. I did the math: in the three hours it takes to really clean the house, I could do a Fire Starter Session or write an article that would bring me $300 to $3000. Or nap.
9. Stop with the perfectionism. Give people a chance to rise to the occasion. My kid can dress himself (rubber boots and surf shorts look great!) Staff can figure out most things (mistakes are useful.)
10. Stop doing it alone. Team with experts. A great coach, designer, consultant, can create quantum leaps.
11. Stop subscribing. Rather than just hitting delete, go through the steps (too many steps too often) to keep your inbox squeaky clean.
12. Stop taking home "free" stuff - pens, kitsch-filled gift bags from networking events, ugly volunteer t-shirts. You will spend time moving it around or pawning it off at your neighbour's yard sale.
13. Stop forcing yourself to finish every book you pick up because you think the ghost of your English teacher is watching.
14. Stop dying your hair. At least consider it. For that matter, examine all of your beauty synthetics and waxes and plucks and extensions and wonder how hot and less-stressed you'd be without all that maintenance. Acrylic nails do not help you be more successful. And my theory is that the world is rife with bottle-blondes who'd look much better as brunettes.
15. As for time-sucking fears and neuroses, maybe you need the 5 minute shrink appointment: (click to view video)

 

the goddess of grief: getting to the other side. and there is always another side.

This article has been a long time coming. You may want to put the kettle on.

"Grief can make a liar out of you because there is a disconnect between how you feel, and how you think you're supposed to behave." This was Maria Shriver's intro to her heart-gripping talk at the 2009 Women's Conference. I stumbled across the live telecast. The topic: Grief, Healing & Resilience. Interesting topic for a conference. That's kind of pushing it, I thought.

Then Marissa tweeted about grief catching her off guard. Ronna wrote about the barn burning down, and Emma started thinking about death - a lot. Kelly riffed about endings because she was inspired by Lianne philosophizing about "something dying to be born." Guess the death thing is up for the sistahs this season, I thought.

And then I went to a Transformational Speaking workshop with Gail Larsen - which is really group therapy disguised as enlightened toastmasters (and one of the best learning experiences I've had.) Gail spread out a large quilt on the floor with the cycles of life stitched in a big circle. She calls it the Journey Well Wheel. "Stand or pull your chair to where you think you are at this time of your life," she instructed. Easy, I thought, I'm here, at the Seek Support-Experiment-Emerge stages. Just before which is Grief and Letting Go. But no matter how I tried to stay in my place, my chair mysteriously kept eeking toward the grief zone. Like a ghost was pushing me - away from the lie, toward the white hot truth. Black as it was.

LAST YEAR, I DIED
I handed over the keys to the studio/office I'd help to fill with staff, laptops and artwork - to the company that had my name on the door, on the parking stall, on the book, the domain name, the shareholder certificates. Passwords were changed. Computers stripped. Lawyers retained. The CEO I was so wise to hire was given the go ahead to change the business model - and the new strategy didn't include very much of me. I was out.

A few months after my, uh, departure, I was scrolling through Craigslist looking to buy a new desk and came across a desk that I loved - no wonder, it was my desk - my former desk. And that is how I found out that the company was having a going out of business sale. The company was divided up and auctioned off - the book, the intellectual property, the website. Sold to the highest bidders. It was over, except for major bank debt, for which I was partly personally liable.

I'm feline by nature - a gold medalist in Landing On My Feet. This year: I launched WhiteHotTruth to a great reception (a thousand thank yous to each of you for being here.) I did Fire Starter groups in about sixteen cities. I've worked with nearly one hundred Fire Starter clients. Shot a demo reel for a new TV show that I could star in. Spoke on some very big stages. Scored a gig as commentator of a national prime-time TV show. Gave dozens of interviews. Wrote a book proposal. Outlined two more books, and have strategized a content and collaboration roll out for 2010 that has me ablaze with more artistic joy than I have ever experienced. Creative sovereignty rocks. Hard.

Those are the facts. Facts can disguise grief...only for so long.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler's legendary Five Stages of Grief applies just as much to the death of dreams and identity as it does to people: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It's brilliant, compassionate, and whole, like a Goddess.

Grief is one of the most powerful Goddesses. She swallows your agony and lets it tear her apart. Beautiful birds fly from her belly - each one an insight into life and your power. Grief brings the whole flock to your window and she waits and waits to reveal universal truths to you. She goes to the depths with you. She rises with you.

Grief won't rest until you swallow the medicine she made especially for you, and tell her your story of death...and life.

HOW TO ABSORB THE MEDICINE OF GRIEF

1. Grief messes with your focus. When she's tap-tap-tapping on the door of your consciousness, it becomes difficult to concentrate. You're not sure what the priorities are, not sure where to put your attention, and when you do put it somewhere, it slips off easily. Time does not feel fresh, it feels a bit stale. Launching new things feels awkward, subtly inappropriate.

Give your self space to meander, aimlessly. Aim less. Under achieve. Be confused. As Nietzsche said, "You must have confusion in your heart to give birth to stars." You are giving birth to a new reality. It takes tremendous resources. Healing hurts before it feels right.

2. Grief is patient. Grief may operate on a time-release capsule system. She'll let you be busy and distracted for a long period of time before she descends. She respects survival mechanisms and the necessities.

So go ahead and throw yourself into work or hobbies. Just know that...

3. Denying grief her power squelches your vitality. You can dream and laugh and march on, but until you swallow the bitter tea that Grief has brewed, things won't be as vibrant or grounded as they could be. And that's half dead.

Recognize where you are numb. Notice the memories that ouch the most. This is the beginning of response-ability.

4. Grief crystallizes in your body. The medicine will get stuck in your muscle memory and joints. It needs to circulate and be digested.

You have to dance grief to the surface. Stomp. Rock. Stretch. Move without your intellect getting in the way. Keep moving.

5. Grief thinks scars make for great tattoos.

Accept that you'll never be the same. Trauma marks you. Embrace how much more dimensional you've become.

6. Like Bindu just reminded me, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." (Maya Angelou). Grief needs to hear your story told.

Speak it out to a sacred listener. Be witnessed. And then...

7. Tell a new story, one that includes the description of how you healed. The Goddess of Grief's favourite word is Goodbye. You can smile when you say that.

 

burning questions with jay schryer: a man who digs the goddess..and the prince

“Porsidan” means “to question” in Persian. I know that because Jay Schryer is a questioner par excellence. He writes about in search for meaning and rock 'n roll on his blog, Porsidan.com. Jay is one of the reasons I adore the global brain we call the internet. You get to climb inside of stories. You argue in the spirit of seeking - like when Jay took me to task on my No Pity For A Strong Soul article. You learn that the most excellent people can fall on very hard times and that love finds a way. You learn about life and near death.

You make friends and you find new questions inside their story.

What question(s) in your life have been the most empowering (either mind-blowing or gently pervasive) for you?

When I was 19 years old, I was in a nearly-fatal car accident. In fact, I was dead for about a minute or so. In that time, I had a near-death experience where I met the Goddess and talked with her. At the end of our time together, she gave me a choice. I could either stay with Her, or go back to Earth. I chose to come back. Since that time, I have often asked myself why. Why was I given a second choice? Why was I allowed to come back, when so many other people never get that chance? Why did the Goddess handpick me to come back to the physical world? Why am I here? Why are any of us here? And last but not least, what can I do to make sure that I'm not wasting this opportunity, wasting my life? What can I do to make the world a better place simply by being here?

My entire life revolves around those questions, and finding new answers all the time.

If you had an altar, what symbols of devotion would you put on it?

Actually, I do have an altar. On it, I have: A statue of the Goddess, to remind me of Divinity, spirituality, and to always do the right thing. A deck of tarot cards to remind me of the power of symbols, hidden imagery, and mystical, magical powers. I don't believe in divination; I believe that the future is constantly in motion, and that every choice we make changes it and affects it. (more...)

 

best book of 2009: the unfolding now

What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it? Have you bought and given away multiple copies?

The Unfolding Now: Realizing Your True Nature Through the Practice of Presence
by A.H. Almaas

A.H. Almaas is the creator of The Diamond Approach work, which Ken Wilber calls "a superb combination of some of the best of modern Western psychology with ancient (and spiritual) wisdom...probably the most balanced of the widely available spiritual psychologies/therapies."

The Unfolding Now book is like chamomile tea for the soul, made with purified water, with honey from sacred bees, served in a hand made Zen bowl. So simple and nourishing. It is a book of rare transmission that sparks one's deeply innate desire to be real.

We want to learn how we can be here in as real a way as possible: How can I be completely here and completely myself, or as completely as possible? How can my atoms, which are scattered, vibrating, and oscillating in some kind of frenzy, slow down, collect, and settle here as what I am?
- A.H. Almaas

The most delicious mix of questions I drank in all year.

 

the red lipstick reporter interview: the psychology of style + branding

The very dynamic Tamara Gold at The Red Lipstick Reporter interviewed me recently about style, being real, and life balance. Click below to hear why I think the "pursuit of life balance"" is bullshit, why I felt like a phat fake when I was running a DC think tank, how to "announce your unfolding," and three questions to ask yourself about branding your business.

CLICK TO LISTEN TO TAMARA + DANIELLE:
http://www.audioacrobat.com/play/WfB5Kh2Q

Tamara is all about women's empowerment -- from your soul to your, well, lipstick. You can sign up for the weekly Report on the home page.

xo
Danielle