monday morning sex talk

I’ve been observing a quickening of sorts. The people around me are waking up. Breakthroughs are happening, Commitments are deepening. Maybe it’s because I’ve meant some stellar individuals on my Fire Starter tour this summer, but something sparkly and hot is in the air. And it’s pretty sexy. But I happen to find consciousness super sexy. And the more I feel my own essence rising, the sexier life seems.

But I've noticed that even shiny, sexy, wide-awake people don’t talk that much about sex. The general conversation starts and stops with whether you’re getting it or not. “It’s good.” “We need to make more time for it.” “Haven’t gotten around to it.”

If sex conversation is relegated to the cultural fringe, it’s likely reflecting where it lies on our personal list of priorities. And you don’t have to have a partner to have a sex life, BTW. Just ask Mama Gena who makes it, uh, pointedly clear that the clitoris has 8000 nerve endings of it’s very own.

You can be sure that your sex life is a microcosm of the macrosm of your entire life. Deep but quiet. Repressed. Rigorous. Loving but slightly aggressive. Playful and sweet. Dutiful. Whatever is going down in the sack is going ‘round in your life as a greater theme. So maybe we should talk about it more. At least to ourselves.

SEXY SHAKE UP
For the sake of shaking up mindsets, what if you gave your sexual well being the same weighty importance that we tend to give the other day-to-day stuff?:

What if we treated our sex lives with the same importance as our diet? Imagine counting orgasms like you counted calories. What if there was the same urgency to get funky with your lover or yourself as there was to get to yoga or spinning class?

What if we put as much effort into cultivating our sexuality as we did our intellect? Imagine a D-I-Y erotica degree based on the awareness of energy and breath and physiology and bliss. Where would you begin to look for knowledge? What would it take to earn and A++?

What if we talked about our sex lives like we talked about, say, our health, or our satisfaction with work? I’m not suggesting that you should chat up your hot night with Larry and Lucy at the water cooler. Because, yeah, sex is sacred, absolutely, positively, precious and typically private. BUT...what if, with the friend you trusted most, you let the conversation go deeper into the sensual part of your life. And you explored questions like, How do you feel in bed? What does womanly or manly really mean to you? Top, bottom, bunny, adventurer, priestess, kink-meister or athlete, what’s next in terms of being more fully you?

Don't tell just anyone. But dare to tell yourself. The answer may have you grinning for days.

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posted 2 Aug 09 in: relationships + sex articles   ·   tags: ,   ·   Comments

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  • Traci
    This...

    You can be sure that your sex life is a microcosm of the macrosm of your entire life. Deep but quiet. Repressed. Rigorous. Loving but slightly aggressive. Playful and sweet. Dutiful. Whatever is going down in the sack is going ‘round in your life as a greater theme.

    ...was a total mind-f*#k. In the best way.
    Zing!
  • Laura Wershler
    Danielle,

    What a lovely invitation to us all, and that is all we really need - an invitation - to open up about the sexual part of our lives. I've been a sexual health advocate for over 20 years. The org I work for, Sexual Health Access Alberta, is distributing 250,000 copies of a free guide for parents called: It's Easier Than You Think: Talking With Your Children About Sexual Health and Well-Being. The goal of this brochure is to encourage and support parents to make conversations about sexuality a normal part of family life. If we do this, we raise a generation of young people who will do just what your post suggests.
    As adults, partners, friends, parents or grandparents we all have a role to play in creatng a comfortable environment in which talking about sex, sexuality, sexual issues, etc, etc is seen as normal and appropriate within the various contexts of our lives.

    Anyone can download our brochure as a pdf from www.sexualhealthaccess.org. I encourage parents or any adult who mentors young people or those who want to learn more about how to talk about sexual issues to check out this resource. I never thought about it before, but the talking tips for parents could, with a wee bit of adapting, just as easily be applied to adults talking to other adults about sexuality. Thanks for the post, Danielle.
  • Kristin
    I have been saying for years that if we don't start talking about this subject, at the very least with the people we are closest to then we will never be able to fully grasp it. Here is to talking about it opening with the ones we love and trust the most and here is to a great sex life with yourself or others for years to come.
  • YES!!! Love this post! Thank you!
  • Vida Mas
    Danielle, you rrrrock! I love this one :)
  • @julie_k
    It's interesting. With the friends I grew up with, we talk, laugh, lament, etc. openly about sex - just like we did at the school lunch table when we first started figuring it out. (Our parents would have had imploded.) We grew up in a little rust belt town where some of them still live.

    I also know how much their houses cost, their salaries, etc.

    Now I live in a nice city, make nice money, drink nicer booze and most of my friends here treat it with the same secrecy as their home prices and salaries.

    The power dynamic isn't just in the bedroom. And secrecy isn't always part of sacred.
  • "secrecy isn't always part of sacred." I need to make a poster out of that. thank you.
  • @julie_k
    Right back atcha.. been thrumming and actually DOING since you left us here in Minneapolis!
  • at first when i started reading, i'll admit, i was pretty much like, ugh, i don't want to talk about my sex life with just whoever (or be considered prude, unfulfilled, or what-have-you because of that), but then at the end, as I should have expected (!!) with your profound sense of insight, you totally pulled it all together for me with that final question and then I went, AH HA! and YES! totally.

    I like the way this post rocked me. :)
  • Dee
    Thank you for this post, you've approached the subject and captured general circumstances brilliantly. I've wished for a long time that conversations about sex were more encouraged and am saddened by the hush-deny-damning trend in this society. There's a reason why so many teens get pregnant, and it boggles my mind how easily adults seem to have forgotten what it was like when their own hormones kicked in.
    Sex and sensuality and kissing and touching, exploring yourself or another person is wonderful, exciting, and one of the joys and delights of being human, and again, I'm so glad there can be conversation about it, however modestly.
    :-)
  • yah - it would be great of policy makers and churches made the connection btwn repression and teen pregnancy. abstinence preaching does not count as open conversation.
  • Dee
    Amen! (No pun intended, or ok, maybe a little. ;-))
    I think Dr. Laura Berman put it best in one of her sessions with Oprah (think of her what you will everyone, but don't dismiss this point): masturbation allows every young adult to know their body, with the effect that young women will actually be less tempted to go to certain bases or places with young men. Why? Because they know they don't need said young men to make them feel nice and tingly. (Yes, I'm paraphrasing. But in essence, it's take control of your own pleasure, love yourself, and then relationships can evolve!) :-)
  • i agree. i think the lack of exploration in sex is because its still a faux passe in many circles. not only is sex a microcosm of your life, but its the truest indicator of how well you can recieve as well as give, and even more so an indicator of how you view power. sex is one of the most powerful actions you can make, so if you examine your sexuality its easy to see how power/lessness plays a role in your life. great easy going post on a tough topic
  • whoa: "if you examine your sexuality its easy to see how power/lessness plays a role in your life." bang on, uh, so to speak.
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