unfetter your happiness (you know you want to)

 
 

How are things?

Good. Yeah, good.

Fine. Things are fine.

Let me ask that question again:

How are things?

Fabulous. It all feels like an adventure right now. I have synchronicities piling up everywhere. I’ve got all the money I need, in fact, it’s flowing good n’ steady. My skin is glowing. Most nights we dance in the kitchen. Even sex is better than ever. I giggle everyday. And really, sometimes when I smile at a stranger in the market I can feel my heart swell. In fact, I swear I felt bliss while I was walking home the other day. Yeah. It was bliss.

Happy?

Then say so.

I notice this in my self, I see it in other people: the happiness muffle. We feel the sparkle, really we do. We feel rich with gratitude, we’re keenly aware of a true smile curled in our cells. We tend to live on the light side of things. But we don’t pronounce it. As a new friend just put it, “we butt back the joy because... happiness is a form of power.”

Is that anyway to treat happiness?

Happiness is power. Happiness is carbonated consciousness. It wants to spill out and radiate and be articulated. And every time we downplay our joy we confuse our synapses. Our brain is firing smiley neurons and our mouth is short circuiting them. Repeated happiness muffling numbs our senses. If you keep it under the surface too long, it just might stay there ... a light under a bushel.

So do us all a favour. No matter what the weather, the odds, the circumstances, the company, if you’re happy and you know it, by all means, say so!

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  • Candra
    Was just having this same discussion yesterday with a friend. We feel so lucky to have the husbands we have, but its so much more acceptable to complain about them than celebrate them! Why is it more acceptable to have issues than to be blissed out? Love that you called on this truth. Sometimes I feel so lucky that I just tear up about my lucky life. I love that you are calling on us all... to share our bliss... and be unapologetic about it!
  • I love this. "Happiness is carbonated consciousness" is genius. I think you are hitting on a deeply entrenched human behavior. Somewhere along the line, we are sent the message to pursue happiness but to never gloat or throw our achieved happiness in other people's faces. An interesting thought: what if expressing and articulating happiness is part of happiness itself? That is, what if experiencing happiness actually entails communicating our pleasure and enjoyment with others? If we take this as true then we are in fact dampening our happiness just by virtue of keeping it concealed.

    I do wonder if our individual and collective propensity to disguise happiness is rooted in more complicated soil. Sure, we might worry that we are jinxing happiness and good fortune by shouting it from the rooftops. But there might be other factors at play. Perhaps we worry that by broadcasting happiness we are reminding people of their own lack of happiness or despair. Or perhaps we are insatiable creatures and we always want more. So, even when we are truly existentially happy we immediately aim even higher, set our sights on bigger successes and bigger rewards. So as soon as happiness arrives, our portrait of happiness evolves and we wonder whether we are truly happy.

    Just curious: do you think there is there a similar virtue in announcing our unhappiness? Or are there compelling reasons for us to keep our despair concealed?

    Thanks as always for the thought-provoking post.
  • Oh this is a good one! Brings that whole "let your light shine" idea to mind. Martha Beck has a great article on envy preemption that soooo helped explain part of my own hesitation with acting "too" happy or shiny. It explains that by downplaying our own happiness in order to avoid jealousy, we're kind of making it all about us (exactly what we think we're trying to avoid). Also that it's obviously way more authentic to radiate the happiness, and at the same time reach out connect with whoever you're around, find out what's going on with them, to take all of your own focus off of you.
    "Happiness is carbonated consciousness" - Brilliant!
  • I like this post a lot. I am happy, very happy. I am deeply and richly in love with my husband and some days I think my heart might burst!
    I think taking this approach when the opposite is true also brings a lot more intimacy, honesty and texture to life. When I was depressed and people would casually ask how I was doing I would reply 'well, thank you.' Until one day I caught myself and said 'Sorry, that was a total fucking lie. I am depressed and exhausted and so out of touch with myself that I want to crawl out of my skin as we speak.'
    It really opened things up, getting real wherever I was at, and not surprisingly, so did the people around me.
  • Red
    I've started just flat out answering folks when they ask the "How are you?" question. I'm tired. I'm excited for project x. I'm super stoked about my new x. I'm having a busy one. etc etc. They are my emotions and well, I'm in a very exciting place right now. I'm no longer afraid to just say that. My career is improving, we're starting a business, house renovations - life is freakin' awesome at the moment.
  • I have 2 dear friends who have often experienced envy when I have expressed my joy to them. In the past this has distanced me from them when I am in this state because I don't want to cause them pain. Maybe instead of muting my happiness when they are gloomy I can trust that it can be a help to them--- an example of transformation. This feels true in my bones. Thank you.
  • Anon
    If you're happy and you know it..
    Clap your hands
    Thunderous applause!
  • Danielle, I think you're right about jinxing it by not expressing it. Yesterday, I had an epiphany about just how ungrateful I've been. Period. In my life, in my relationships, at work, about my body, etc. The list could go on. I was an ingrate.

    After realizing that, I realized how much I had to be grateful for. How rich my life really could be with appreciation. All the workings were already there; I just had to express it.

    Right now, I feel good. There is a bit of me grieving over my recent loss encountered because of my ingratitude, but happiness is around the corner.

    “Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.
    It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
    - Anonymous
  • This is so wise, Danielle. Here in Scotland, it's almost a national requirement to be dour and mock positive people. But I've been rebelling for years. If folk are daft enough to ask me how I am, I tell them! And today, the sun's shining and I feel everything is possible!

    I think you and I must be travelling along parallel tracks at the moment; one of my favourite Lamott quotes is "Laughter is carbonated holiness." and it arrived in my inbox from a quote site a few days ago! And here you are with fizzy consciousness!

    Have a good day. You're on a roll!
  • So interesting, Danielle. Things are quite amazing for me at the moment - new, and a bit scary, & exciting...but part of me doesn't want to declare it because I think it's a jinx, and part of me wants to tell the world "I'm working with 10 times the number of clients I was at this time last month, & I love being married, & The Hubster & I are about to buy our first home! Woo to the hoo!" So then why do I respond, "Good, thanks - busy, though" when someone asks how I am? Do I REALLY think I'm gonna jinx it if I let out my excitement? Honestly, I think so...isn't that sad? And it's partly because I'm a people pleaser & I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable with my happiness. So dumb.
  • ah yes, the ol' jinxies fear. it's as if the misery police will over hear that you're happy and come to piss on your parade. Silly that. Maybe we shld try reverse psychology: we jinx the happiness if we don't express it.
  • The true masculine is spirit, dynamism, movement.
    Joy is an emotion filled with bubbly, effervescent movement. When one is in
    joy, it shows.
  • jo martin
    Q: How are you? My A: I'm TERIFFIC! With a *big* beaming smile at the Asker.

    I quit hiding my joy/happiness/pleasure in lifie. If that upsets someone phooey on 'em -- most of the time, much of the time, folks beam back at me and say "That's great!"

    I'm happy and I know it and I show it!

    OTOH, I am blessed to be in a life that, on those days when I am *not* terriffic - rate but they do happen, I can stay home. I believe *strongly* in not sharing grumpiness, pain, sorrow with the world in general.
  • love this-- i think if I sometimes muffle my exuberance in daily life, it's that somehow it can be misinterpreted by others, or set off negative reactions, somehow-- anyway, I agree and appreciate the reminder to be in the light, share the light whether regardless of how it is received . .
  • This is awesome :) I just started a new job and feel great and directed and focused, but I tend to hide it so other people don't feel bad about their current situations. Thank you for encouraging me to share it with everyone!
  • Danielle, have you seen this yet?
    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02lov...
    These words struck me in the gut, and I wanted to share them with you:
    "You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it."
  • I think you are talking about Joy. Joy is that masculine effervescent quality that comes pouring out when you are fulfilling your Preferences. Almost Impossible to stuff. Happiness is nice, but not the same thing. Happiness comes when one's needs are being met. All in all, good times.
  • I understand why dynamic emotions are labeled as masculine in some wisdom traditions. But there's a place beyond that polarity and dualism, a divine and encompassing zone, and I suspect that that's where joy really come from. She's a she and a He.
  • @julie_k
    interesting Rick - why do you define it as a masculine quality?

    I do agree that happiness feels a bit more passive (and fleeting, and less deeply satisfying). It's become ubiquitous book/blog fodder lately - bordering on happily numb.
  • This is a really interesting topic. I find myself muting my happiness with quite regularity. I almost get the feeling of not wanting to upset others. I feel like if you show up to a circle of moms at market and start beaming about how wonderful your feeling people start rolling their eyes with a "puh-lease".

    I guess that shouldn't matter and personally I would love to hear about others feeling better about life. Maybe they are muting their happiness too?
  • You're right. There should be no modesty in personal happiness. I've diluted my responses as well. No more!
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