sorry? only say it if you mean it

 
 


Ali McGraw to Ryan O’Neil in Love Story:
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Puhleeze. That famous one-liner set real intimacy and personal responsibility back by bounds.

We screw up. We trample over people’s feelings, we let our insecurities get the best of us, we make big fat unfair assumptions based on the past. If you’re interacting with other humans in even the slightest way, you will at some point have good reason to apologize.

But sorry is one of the most misused words there is. We’ve diluted it. We need to give it back its power. Sorry is a powerful word that sends a very particular vibe to your brain. I'm careful how I use it. And when I do, I mean it with all my heart and I’ll do what ever I can to make things right. But I rarely regret things. I rarely pity people. And I’m almost never sorry for how I feel (thanks to a lot of therapy.)

sor—‹…ry
1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.
2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic.
3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad.
4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; dismal.
5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful.
6. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology or expression of regret): Sorry, you're misinformed. Did I bump you? Sorry.

Do not say it if you don’t mean it.
Sorry is often used as band-aid for social discomfort. It eases the blow when we say no to someone, decline, or back out. Sorry can actually complicate the exchange. It’s unnecessary gooey-ness. Just leave it out and stand by your truth with grace.

To the salesperson: “I’m sorry, I’m not interested today.” Why be sorry? You’re simply not interested. If you genuinely wish you could help them with a sale, then say just that.

“Sorry to bother you...” Why assume you’re a bother? How about, “I hope I’m not bothering you, but ...”

“Sorry you feel that way.” This is a very tricky usage because ultimately, you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings. If you were a genuine jerk and you hurt someone’s feelings, then really step up to the plate with something like, “I’m so sorry that what I did made you feel that way. Yikes. I wish I’d been more sensitive. I won't do that again.”

But thanks to psychobabble and supposedly useful "communication skills", the “sorry you feel that way” phrase is often just a dupe ... it’s not an authentic apology at all. It’s condescending placation that is supposed to disarm someone who’s pissed off. Someone tried to use this on me once. They’d gone behind my back on an issue. I confronted them and said it was completely uncool. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” she responded. Oh reeeally?

Your word is your wand. If the word fits ... and ONLY when it s fits ... use it with all your heart. When you're sincere, there's usually no apology necessary.

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join the convoposted 10 Feb 09 in: inspiration + spirituality articles   ·   tags:   ·   View Comments

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  • Darci Rowe
    Asking for or demanding an apology is often used by people who cannot express their own truth internally or to other people. Instead of saying “that hurt me” or “that makes me uncomfortable” they say and we hear (insert indignant GASP) “you owe me an apology, and I won’t talk to you until I get it!” Why the demand? It’s like asking for someone to send a rose or a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day - something incredible becomes something neutral and blasé. I learned a few years back, the hard way, to interpret a demand for an apology as “ouch, that hurt”. I am more responsible for my actions and communication now. In my opinion, to withhold a demanded apology is self righteous and positioning. Use the demand as an opening to much needed honest and heartfelt communication.
  • yes yes - so much of what we communicate is often a guise for the true "ouch" underneath.
  • Preach it, D.! Ugh! This is something I've been working on for some time. I have SUCH a knee-jerk reaction with this word! I can SO be the one to say "sorry" when I either don't have anything to apologize for (e.g. someone runs into me, but I say "sorry"...????) or, honestly, I don't mean it (if I stopped long enough to ask myself my true intentions). Powerful and thought-provoking for certain! Holla!
  • I work with people everyday and I just took your advice for the last hour and your right, using the phrase, "I'm sorry" when you don't mean it doesn't help anything. Sure things might feel a little uncomfortable but ultimately I feel more genuine. Thanks!
  • how's that for instant gratification?!
  • Well... i sometimes feel bad because of something my wife did... and i feel the need of demand the apology... is it bad? i mean, i agree totally with the post, but seing it since other point of view, there should be another way to send an apology, or to establish this kinda communication
  • I live with a Brit and somehow picked up the (very) bad habit of saying sorry way too often. I catch myself apologizing for things I never had a hand in. What's with that?! Gotta watch the mental programming on this one definitely - and the word does lose its meaning as a result of cavalier use. Good post!
  • "forced apologies are kind of like nice plastic." Daniellle you have a way with words! this one is going on my office wall!
  • Sooz
    Thanks for this. It is apt to what I am going through right now. A sister has stopped speaking to me "unless I apologize". I could say I'm sorry just to have her back in my life and to soothe things over, but it would be a sell-out. It has been her pattern to "create" victimhood in her life, giving her a reason to always be angry. I am breaking my lifelong habit of enabling her.
  • ooo - very juicy. Wanting/demanding an apology is such a trip. It can often be a way of lording. For a long time, I wanted an apology from my husband about just being a jerk - no more than I was being a jerk, tho'. And finally, as good friend said to me, "is that really necessary?" And it wasn't. Did I want to be grooving or did I want him to cow-tow. I let it go and went for the groove. It was a big shifter for us. And besides, forced apologies are kind of like nice plastic.
  • Vi
    Maybe the problem isn't people's usage of the word sorry. Maybe the problem is our English language. Sorry as a word is to used express sympathy (I'm sorry for your loss) or to be excused (Sorry to bother you). In addition to those meanings, it is used as an apology.

    I would bet in another language, there are different words to convey the different meanings of sorry. And then in that case, the meaning of sorry as an apology does not become diluted.

    When I want to convey an apology, I say that I apologize, rather than I'm sorry.
  • yes yes - the Inuit language has something like, 28 different words for "snow." Your point makes me think that we actually have so few English words for our emotional/spiritual experiences - we end up borrowing a lot of terms from sanskrit or back to pure latin to convey beyond the limits.
  • I love how in Spanish (at least in Spain), if you do something like step on someone's toe, you say, "I feel it!" I find this to be, at least potentially, a more genuinely empathetic response.
  • beautiful.
  • marty
    for some people, the word SORRY, is definitely over used, for others, "SORRY seems to be the hardest word". Very few use it when it is appropriate and with the feeling you have described, but I agree with you and will go through the day attempting to use the word sorry only when it is deserved, well thought out and meaningful. Thanks for the thought of the day.
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