notes to my 20 year old self

Class of 88. Honours in eye shadow.

Class of 88. Honours in eye shadow.

I'm turning 40 in a few weeks. Bizarre. Surreal. Cannot believe it. Just yesterday I was at ecstatically getting the hell out of high school, wearing shoulder pads and stilettos underneath my graduation gown; knowing full well that the world was my oyster and that extra-hold hair mousse would get me through almost any encounter. I can hardly believe that I can say, "twenty years ago..." about anything.


Dear Danielle at 20:

  1. Algebra really is useless.
  2. Credit cards are mostly evil.
  3. Talk is cheap.
  4. If he doesn't stay until morning, he's probably married or deeply insecure.
  5. There is no soul mate. I know, this is particularly hard news to take because you are longing for The One 24-7. But, guess what, The One is The One because you say he/she is. And that's way more liberating and empowering than anything preordained or supposedly destined.
  6. And while we're 'dising cosmic romanticism - there's no such thing as destiny. Life really is what you make it.
  7. Tragedy happens. Yes, everything happens for a reason, but life can be cruel and wrenching and while it all comes out in the cosmic wash, some souls collide and mistakes do happen.
  8. Louise Hay is a magnificent woman, but there is more to the machinations of life, illness, and cosmology than the simple explanations offered by You Can Heal Your Life. Cancer is not necessarily a result of repressed guilt, and you may not necessarily choose to heal your life this time around - that's okay. Illness doesn't make you a New Age Loser.
  9. Diplomacy is overrated.
  10. If your boss tries to french kiss you, it's out of bounds.
  11. Only lend books if you don't want them back.
  12. Go to more concerts.
  13. If you don't kiss girls in your twenties, you'll probably never get around to trying it out. You should try it out.
  14. You're right - kindness is one of the most powerful natural resources there is...infinitely renewable.
  15. Your feelings are exceedingly more useful than your ability to rationalize your fears or other people's poor behaviour.
  16. Your heart...your heart...your heart is where it's at.
  17. When you turn 40, you shall be rocking like never before, grateful for absolutely everything, and you will finally, finally feel like earth is home...for the most part.

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posted 13 May 09 in: White Hot, inspiration + spirituality articles   ·   tags: ,   ·   Comments

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  • JeanetteLeBlanc
    I think I'm getting close to becoming a stalker. In a good way, of course :)

    "If you don't kiss girls in your twenties, you'll probably never get around to trying it out. You should try it out."
    It took me 32 years, and it knocked my world off it's axis. Had I tried it at 20 I may not have my two girls, and it's impossible not to see the good in that.

    J.
  • nice! Well done!
    This post rekindled an idea i had many years ago.

    Every year on my birthday right a letter to my children with the trials and triumphs on the past year. What learned, what i wished i'd know, how to be and how not to be.

    I will be 28 on Feb14th and will write this letter. On their 27th birthday they will receive this this letter. Next year I will write another and they will receive it on their 28th birthday.

    Can't wait to get started.

    Thanks for the inspiration.
    SM
  • Wow. I am soooo late to this party, but what an awesome bunch of advice to your 20 year old self. I hope she gets it, :)
  • Renee Michelle Morrison
    YOU ARE RIGHT DANIELLE!!

    Danielle LaPorte..."You're right - kindness is one of the most powerful natural resources there is...infinitely renewable.
    Your feelings are exceedingly more useful than your ability to rationalize your fears or other people's poor behaviour.
    Your heart...your heart...your heart is where it's at."

    I WILL REMEMBER TO TELL MYSELF THIS OFTEN, NOW THAT I'M 40!!!

    ~Renee Michelle (Michellemustro)
  • This is a great list! The only adjustment I would make for my own personal list is that #11 should not be limited to books. Music (back in the olden days when we kept it on tapes or CDs), books, money, pretty much anything material or tangible - if you let someone borrow it, be prepared to let it go. It's not that people are malevolent and out to steal your stuff, but life happens!
  • Karen
    Will be interested to read notes to your 50 yr-old-self! As always - love your stuff.
  • I'll be 60 next year so I'm contemplating notes to my 40 year old self. Your notes one through 6 are absolutely RIGHT ON. I especially agree with your observations regarding "destiny" and "soul mate." It was a slam in the face to finally realize that I was totally responsible for living my own life, AND that I needed to be a mate to my own soul FIRST. Plus ... I WILL be attending more concerts as I charge through my 60's thank you.
  • Deb
    Okay, 56 and newly divorced after what would have been 35 years this week. Guess how I am going to invest my weekend? Thanks for a wonderful idea.
  • I turned 40 last November. These are great! You've inspired me to blog. Looking forward to sharing my insights as to, how to, go forward from here.
  • da best. Keep it going! Thank you
  • This is wonderful. Totally, totally brilliant. How lucky you are to have you!
  • MarlyK
    "# Your feelings are exceedingly more useful than your ability to rationalize your fears or other people's poor behaviour."

    This has taken me years to learn and it's so so true. Thank you! I'll be 40 this year as well. Happy belated birthday!
  • MoJo
    Once again, I find myself alternating between tears and laughter, with an overwhelming gratitude for these gifts you give out. I'm joining the big 4-0 club in a few months too and so many of these hit home (not to mention I had almost exactly the same harisprayed mullet!)
    Thank you so much for this...xo
  • Emerson Zora Hamsa
    Happy Birthday, Danielle!!!

    I love the list... I have decided to kiss more girls, get rid of those evil credit cards, go to more concerts (and book signings/readings), do the work that makes me smile (and stop talking about it) and make my life what I want it to be!

    You ROCK! HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! :)

    Love ya.

    Emerson
  • I've just recently discovered you and I'm so glad. I love your letter to yourself -- I'm 47 and still learning every single day. Thanks for your wisdom and self-disclosure.
  • This makes me think about what would I tell myself at 17 when I graduated. I blogged about it . If I could tell myself anything though, it would be just be yourself.

    http://www.rterryjr.net/?p=163
  • Number 1 is wrong, though. Please don't make it harder for other 20-year-old young women to get good 21st-century careers. Algebra may be useless for you, but that only means that Danielle at 20 had no hopes of becoming an engineer, or a biologist, or a computer programmer, or a financial analyst, or any of a large number of other intellectual or high-paying jobs.

    Believe me, if you couldn't read, you'd think literacy was pretty useless too.
  • Jaclyn
    Thank you, William!! I like most of Danielle's notes, but I strongly oppose #1. It can be difficult to see the math (including linear equations and trigonometry) in everyday life, but it's there. Math is a way of thinking... a method of approaching problems and finding solutions, whether that be finding roots of polynomials or calculating the amount of importance one should put on the location factor when contemplating a job transfer.
  • Happy Birthday soon, Danielle. Twice as old and infinitely wiser. Eh? I always told my daughters: you are 10 minutes gossip in someone else's life; that would be like the when you're 60 you realize they weren't thinking about you at all. This is a great exercise. I'd add two for me: (1)there are some choices
    you'll make in your life that will stick in your emotional throat and never quite go down easy and (2)there are so many surprises, all the time; stick around. I'm now 61 and these I KNOW to be true.l :-)
  • These resonated so deeply with me and I forwarded them to two other girlfriends who are turning 40 with me next year! We're planning a girls weekend to celelbrate our birthdays and renting a villa together in Spain with friends. I can't think of a better place to start the next decade.
  • Oh yea- and I am a big Loise Hay fan= her stuff about affirmations is WONDERFUL but I am with you- cancer happens and its not that simple- positivity can't ever be a bad thing but its irresponsible to preach that it cures all- see No. 7. Thanks Danielle!
  • What a great excercise- I need to do this for myself! Thank you for sharing yours...I wlll be 43 v. soon and love my llife so much and its just getting better! I cherish the good and the bad whereas in my 20's the bad was somthing to be avoided. I'm better with bad now- I know it will all change tommorow.
  • Lorena
    Note to my 20yo self: figure out what YOU want your life to look like, and do that. BTW, it's okay if what you want changes in 6 mos. Those people you're paying attention to now? Yeah, them. Even the ones who share your DNA. Here's the thing--you can't live the life they wanted, for them. That's on them. Live your own. Second, it will all work out. Beautifully.
  • ramie
    Where were you in MY twenties! Happy Birthday!
  • Forty rocks, Danielle! Been there myself just over three weeks and the water's just right. Dive in! The permission that this number and new decade bestow is quite remarkable. When we women get a little age/wisdom/experience, we get empowered! (Actually, studies show that women gain confidence as they age {men gain compassion}.) And THAT is a powerful and breath-taking happening that can change the world. To those of you in your 20s and 30s: claim as much empowerment now as you can. Don't wait for the clock. And ditto to Jo Martin re: make memories. xo
  • Terin
    I love this...great inspiration to write my own. I also love the comment above about caring what people think about you, so true :)
  • jo martin
    A small bit of wisdom from someone over 60 -- make memories! Excepting early onset dementia/Alzheimer's, I've learned that the only "thing" one can be sure to keep over the years is memories. So do it! Go there! Kiss him/her or both! Grab life with both hands and feast at the table!

    Oh -- another one: at 20, you care what people think about you, at 40, you don't care what people think about you and at 60 you find they weren't thinking about you at all.

    Mazel tov and Happy Birthday!
  • love this!:
    "at 20, you care what people think about you, at 40, you don't care what people think about you and at 60 you find they weren't thinking about you at all."
  • Paula
    That's one of the best parts of "growing up", we become less egoistic. I hope I can remember that I'm not so important that other people are actually thinking about me on the way to 60. I think I'll enjoy it more that way.
  • so true re: make memories.
  • Truthful and beautifully said.
  • Paula
    These letters to self are so cool! Sometimes I forget that I have to have compassion for me not only as I am now but as I was then, so here are a few tidbits for me at 20:
    1. You can say "no" if you want to; it's highly unlikely that you or anyone else and will die from it you'll feel better later. Really.
    2. Stop planning to ____ more and just _____ more!
    3. At about 40 something really unexpected and serendipitous will happen. Don't miss it! Just keep following your intuition.
    4. Stop letting the car run out of gas.
    5. Don't sell your record collection. Ever. Even when you don't have a record player anymore.

    Even Stephen Frye (one of my fave authors/actors) writes letters to himself: http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2009/apr/30/ste...

    Thanks for the inspiration!
    Paula
  • Oh gosh, I am 30 and I too cannot believe that I can say '20 years ago'. I have a love-hate relationship with time, for it often seems incredibly dilated (so many things have happened since I last was in Chicago) and incredibly compressed at the same time (I was in Chicago 18 months ago? Surely not, it feels like yesterday!). And you're so right about kissing girls in your twenties... I am just glad I did, as it would seem really weird to test it out now!
  • Kristin
    These are brilliant - amazing how many life lessons resonate with all of us. Thanks for articulating it. Happy birthday, in advance. May the next 40 years bring more wisdom and love and spurts of genius.
  • White Hoit truth strikes again! I am looking at 50 in 2 years and I can honeslty it only gets better. They say our intellectual acuity peaks in our 20's. Balderdash! Heart and head start to slow dance together and the power is infinite.
  • the fingers start to slip though! sorry for the typos!
  • Traci
    Pearl, you always make me think--then laugh--then think some more. You're lovely!
  • All of this is wonderful stuff! For me, 5,6,7,8....all very poignant to me personally. I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had received that advice in a letter to me at age 20. But then again, I probably wouldn't have listened. I was awfully hard-headed back then.

    #1 made me laugh, because I wrote about Algebra recently. I wonder what the Universe is trying to tell me about Algebra? :)
  • Danielle, Danielle...well pre-happy birthday! I, too, am turning 40 this year and I am meeting it with some mixed emotions and unexpected feelings. Once again your sage wisdom shines brightly. You are a woman of the ages. Ageless. Wonderful. Thank you for your love of eye makeup. ;)
  • When I was younger, thanks to Emily of New Moon, I used to write letters to my future selves. They were always cheering me on... like I could feel the insecurity onslaught, but prayed I could get through it.

    THANK YOU for # 8! I too think Louise Hay is a good force, but this idea is often twisted into new age fundamentalism, and I have seen it injure so many people. With cancer, it also diminishes the fact that we are living in a world full of carcinogens. It'd be better to look at healing (stop hurting) the earth, as well as ourselves, (in my humble opinion).
  • Really great advice.

    My favorite is #16 "Your heart...your heart...your heart is where it's at."

    Man I wish I had spent more time in my heart and less time in my head in my 20's.

    But, it (usually) helps me appreciate being able to connect to my heart now.
  • yah - my 20's were so much about heady WILL. WILLING it all to happen. Now I'm shifting into allowing it all to happen -- so much more efficient.
  • Wow, I'm about to turn 25, and I'm feeling a few of these. Recently learned the book lesson! I think there are a few letters to past and future selves in my near future; thanks for the inspiration.
  • "If your boss tries to French kiss you, it's out of bounds." WHERE WERE YOU SIX MONTHS AGO? Kidding...that was my favorite. ;) Brilliant piece, D.
  • Danielle, I really loved this. Just turned 40 myself. I would make a month of it if I could do it over. I went to Puerto Rico and got eye surgery, one of the best decisions ever. Love love love your advice! Thank you for the inspiration!
  • I love this Danielle, this is wonderful advice to your 20-year old self, and to this 31 year old.
  • Joshua Pettinato
    Wow! Simply utterly- I'm glad someone said it- amazing.
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