the suck factor of life balance, + passion as a cure to stress

 
 

I no sooner want to be balanced than I want to be a “good” girl. “Balance” is not something I want to live down to.
- me

If consensus is overrated, I think balance is too. I have no interest in living
a balanced life. I want a life of adventure.
- Chris Guillebeau

In the end, the quest for balance is bogus. Love your burdens. Love them hard. And when your loves knock you down or your weak ankles trip you up, stop worrying about balancing – ‘cuz you’re not – and bounce.
- Kelly Diels

Life balance. Low fat cheese. Walking shoes. Small talk.
Life balance. The term makes me feel bloated and late for my own party.
Life balance. Stressful.

The pursuit of balance makes us juggle. It puts us behind (always behind,) makes us guilty, neglectful, imbalanced. It’s as useful a concept as original sin. You can never get it right.

If you want to do great things, striving for balance is a losing game. I don't think remarkable artists, scientists, activists, entrepreneurs, or generous souls set out on their giving journeys with the aim to be measured and harmonious. Meeting your potential is inherently full of tension (creative tension.) Trying to be balanced about it is onerous and futile.

Fuhget about it. Put balance on pause and feel into…

The out-of-whackness of your life – gigs, kids, commitments, projects. It’s a lot. Yes, indeed it is.
The passion in your cells - to eat life whole, to innovate, to score, to, as Emerson put it, “leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition.”

Feel into….
The hunger to fill the hole in your soul – doesn’t matter how it got there - if it’s there, it’s there.
The aspirations that show up as dreams or strategies.
The curves of your drive.

[HOLD FOR THE PUNCHLINE:]
If you’re alive, ambitious, or depressed; inventive, in the lead, or rapturous – you are imbalanced. The off-kiltering of your life may make you gasp – in grief or in glory. You could be on the leading edge of your consciousness - thriving. You could be a total mess. Things may need to be put in proper order. Loved ones. Goals. Your well being. Your mental clutter. Your blood pressure. Your Mastercard statement. But...

[THIS IS THE PUNCHLINE:]
Getting "balanced" is not the remedy to stress.

Passion is.

I burn a lot of omlettes. It's a regular occurrence - I'm drawing robots with my kid, I'm jotting down an idea I don't want to lose, I'm taking the call. And then the smoke alarms goes off. I "work" on holidays. Last Monday I stayed in bed and read all day. I send birthday gifts three months early or three months late - but it's just the right gift. I can eat cereal every day for a week, wearing the same clothes, never leaving the house because I want to finish a book. I like last minute trips out of town and not answering email for days. The last time I was at a monastery, I tweeted about it.

This is not a balanced life. But it works. And the more I pursue my passions, the more uncomplicated my life gets, actually. There's not much in my life that I resent. And if resentment builds, I'm swift to get it off my plate. It's not the imbalance-ness that stresses me, it's doing meaningless things that aren't taking me where I want to go.

MOTHERS + CEOs
When we talk about the whole life balance issue, working mothers are central to the conversation. How does the screw-life-balance-and-go-for-passion theory apply when you're juggling P 'n L's and macaroni 'n cheese? It's about an overall proportion in your life, not perfection. It's a work hard / play hard equation. It's about draining your reserves and filling them up again with precious moments or a stolen day. You give give give give give and give some more, and then you get. It's a wonky equation - creating works of art always is - but if you don't stress about how you "should do it", you can create the best way to do it.

When passion is a priority - passion for family, vocation, for meaning - your energy intensifies. And when your energy is more focused, more, "aimed", you begin to care less about the things that don't really matter. You avoid crappy jobs, you stop over-controlling your kids, you nag and complain much less - with everyone. You get the help you need to pull off the important things - whether you're a CEO or an aspiring freelancer, and that support takes the form of a house cleaner, a VA, or a friend or mentor to jam with.

REFUSE TO BE BALANCED
When you refuse the banality of balance and go for full on life (which includes full on productivity and full on stillness,) you'll see the inevitable mess of it all as something more beautiful and purposeful - full of peaks and valleys - an adventure. The climb can be rigorous, grueling sometimes, but the air is cleaner, and the view will blow your mind. The fruit you'll find on your own tilted path is so much sweeter - and there's so much more of it to share.

. . . . . .

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join the convoposted 8 Mar 10 in: creativity + art + design articles, inspiration + spirituality articles   ·   tags: ,   ·   View Comments

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  • Wow, thanks for this. I've been harboring this thought for awhile, but good to be outed and affirmed. Now I just have to be careful of not being consumed with entrepreneurship/work to the point of avoiding the work and exploration necessary in other parts of my life.
  • Wonderful post and totally changing my thinking on living a 'balanced' life. Mayhap balanced is not for me, as I usually can't get it anyway. lol But living with passion and purpose, and refusing to do things that I don't love to do.. that I can handle!
  • Oh, this is all so true, and exactly what I needed to hear today/this week! No wonder I've been feeling so stressed, I've been trying to make myself do something that I'm not built to do...

    I'm exhaling now, thank you.
  • I really like this post! It seems the world wants us to line up like little toy soldiers and march to the tune. I hate marching to tunes unless I have decided to march and it's my tune! The problem is, then you stick out. Many don't want to stick out. I'm a sticker outer.

    The glass I hoist in my avatar is hoisted to you, my dear Danielle! Here's to passion! Here's to being unbalanced! Here's to occasionally getting our ass kicked by life, but mostly kicking back!
  • I am new to your blog and already addicted. FINALLY! A real approach to life. I have gotten caught on following this formula or that, when in reality I am creating the magic everyday. You inspire me.
  • I like your candid comments about "balance". I am a Boundaries for Life Balance Coach =) and I like that you address most of the “erroneous” ideas that people have expressed to me as what they believe “life balance” to mean exclusively.

    Coaching often reveals that what they really want is the calmness and security of being able to manage the things they treasure, i.e. feelings, thoughts, talents, attitudes, behavior, personal well-being, etc. so in effect, they are able to assertively confront their issues in life without a perpetual feeling of being overwhelmed.

    For me, personally, it's about owning my life and choosing who and what to allow into it. This has made what is most important in my life -- my relationships -- more peaceful, loving and respectful. I don't want to stress over things I'm unable to change. I need the energy for the times when I do have stress ... or, for the adventure I want to jump into with both feet!

    Often, I'm asked, how did I learn this? I have three daughters, now in their early 20s, and during their teen years, we routinely had drama with a side of "crazy". [If you want a firsthand view -- check out the new "90210" -- my middle daughter AnnaLynne McCord has a lead role on it as Naomi Clark].

    Thank you for your insight in your blog that I will definitely direct others to check out.
  • This is a fascinating argument, one I've actually never heard before and one I kinda like. I'm going to have to spend some time with it, letting it roll around my head and heart, but as it's starting to sink in, everything in my body is screaming, "YES!" - thank you.
  • This has had me thinking about stuff like "what do we mean when we say balanced?" The way I look at it, it's about different areas of life like emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, social, and so on. And the balance is about a long-term thing. For example, I've been hiding out for quite awhile writing, thinking, re-orging some things in my life post divorce 3 years ago. I've worried sometimes that I'm really hiding and isolating far too much, but since I'm actually a very gregarious, outgoing person, it's more like putting myself *back* into balance. Or, since I've generally had some decent balance over the years, I can be very happy with what I'm doing right now--being really focused for a long time with some things I have to do. I've got enough inner strength built up from a general sense of balance over the years to sustain me during a long whirlwind going every which way, or something like that.

    To me, it's kind of like my diet: I can eat crap for a long time, no biggy, but I can't do that all the time. If I didn't have sound basic nutrition over the long haul I'd be dead lol Or right now I'm not in the physical shape I was a few years ago, but my daily fast walk with my dogs is fine. It's average, normal, just not the endurance/stunt skater I used to be lol (finding some balance here! :)

    Well this just came in my inbox from Rob Brezsney (I think he'd applaud you and this post): "Prayer to the girlfriend of god: Help us be disciplined enough to go crazy" http://bit.ly/PrayerforUs That's pretty much what I mean--underlying strength and balance lets us go totally wildly beautifully nuts--as we should. He's got a great attitude about balance: he's always trying to throw us off!

    Leah
  • yes, Bresny is the master of off-balance, of perspective-warping.
  • OMG, love this post. My favorite: "This is not a balanced life. But it works. And the more I pursue my passions, the more uncomplicated my life gets, actually. . . . It's not the imbalance-ness that stresses me, it's doing meaningless things that aren't taking me where I want to go." That just sums it up right there . . .thanks for bypassing balance for passion and sharing it with us:)
  • Joy
    Good golly this is GREAT! My life coach linked me to this article because I was bitching about needing balance. You hit me right between the eyes with this. Thank you! I am officially breaking up with balance!
  • This really hit home for me today... much needed! You always get right to the heart, sweeping past all the b.s. and I love that about you. Thank you, thank you!
  • you so rock! how many people in the country are on medication to "balance" themselves, that really are denying their inner genius?
  • If this post only glorified Passion and didn't talk about how Balance sucks, I might have been a little more inclined to agree with you. Passion is great! But it is as over-rated as Balance. Your post whips up a bunch of hype around Passion and trashes Balance - almost as though you were selling Passion and your competitor was selling Balance.

    You know, you really don't have to demonize Balance in order to worship Passion. Passion and Balance can both co-exist. Obviously, you haven't found out how - you need to be able to embrace Balance before you can do that!

    Here're some more related thoughts: Super-sizing your life 24x7 leads to rapid burn-out - go check with someone who knows something about physical and mental health. You may choose to live a scintillatingly brilliant but short life, and that's fine. To each her own. You don't have to disparage those who choose a different lifestyle or philosophy of life than you. It's not like they're getting less out of life than you are, though it may appear that way to you.

    P.S. Passion is not a remedy for stress - it's just a diversion for the short-term, an escape hatch. If that.
  • Great thought provoking piece, Danielle!

    I'm thinking of balance in relation with time. I know many people that want to spend equal amounts of time and energy on work and family and themselves and other things on a day-to-day or weekly basis. In that sense, I totally agree with what you said. When I think of balance, though, I have a longer period of time in mind. For example at the end of a year, I would like to be able to say that I've been great at work, at building and growing personal relationships and have gotten closer to being my best self. In that sense, I think balance is quite an OK concept.
  • You know that idiot jumping up and down at the edge of the crowd? Yelling but nobody hears?

    I'm that idiot: "Balance is overrated."

    Been saying it for years... very happy to see others saying it too.

    I have this other saying: "Downshift and accelerate." 'Cause that's the kind of crowd I wanna run with.
  • We are coming up to the spring equinox, which is exactly one out of two times a year when day and night are equal. Everything is always expanding or contracting. Reading about equilibrioception-- the complex actions in the body that keep people and animals from falling over-- is fascinating. Itss dynamic, not static, but I do think that in popular culture balance is understood to mean stasis-- a little of this, and a little of that-- not too much of anything.

    Its so refreshing to read this. Hurray.
  • jenn
    My head just imploded. And, that, seriously, is the best thing. Ever.
  • LifeBlazing
    "balance" is a state of "equilibrium." and "equilibrium" is a stable situation in which forces cancel one another.

    forces cancel one another? sounds a lot like death to me. i will not use precious life-force to cancel when i can create.
  • What an amazing read. This was my fave...

    "When passion is a priority - passion for family, vocation, for meaning - your energy intensifies. And when your energy is more focused, more, "aimed", you begin to care less about the things that don't really matter."

    Beautiful!
  • jillgg
    This whole concept is rocking my world. As a former working mom, now stay-at-home mom/blogger I find I have more "balance" in my life than I once did. But the fact is that I still crave passion and find myself bored at times. Even this reverse of passion (boredom) can create stress. So while a "balance" of some type is needed... passion should weigh heavier.
  • Jeri Lynn
    I'm so sorry balance has gotten a bad rap here. It's a dynamic - not a static state. I'm thinking about the guy who tight roped between the world trade towers. He was expressing his passion. Of course he had to contain it while he walked a very fine line, but without balance... I'm wondering if we should also think less about the importance of environmental balance, because at least we're out there living it up, doing our thing and making the most of our life - on our terms? When we extend our boundaries, the point of balance changes, but I still think we need it.
  • JL, thanks for speaking up. semantics is an issue here. I get that. we could circle around a few terms: balance, proportion, harmony, equilibrium...what I'm trying to zero in on is that the pursuit of balance can be a huge stressor in our lives. it's a guilt trip that trips up, well, finding balance. and I think we need to define what balance means for ourselves, not necessarily like the wellness mags or the productivity books do: a 1/3 or this + a 1/3 of that + a 1/3 of the other = good for you. So yes, as you say, "on our own terms... extending our boundaries."

    xo
    D
  • Sue
    Yes, this speaks more clearly to me. The key is to discern for ourselves. The word balance still holds merit. As you said yourself, "And if resentment builds, I'm swift to get it off my plate." Maybe it's more a matter of whether we are leading from inside (passion) or outside (expectations).
  • I agree Jeri. I've always been interested in linguistics; the semantics of words are endlessly fascinating. "Balance...is as useful a concept as original sin" Ouch. And yet, my mental image of balance is a yoga master or a martial artist with a mind like water. The ONLY way to stay balanced is to be fully in the moment, because when your focus fails, you fall (like the man in your example) Is this not much more in line with living with passion and fullness, not guilt and an obsession with juggling knives?
  • I have mixed feelings about this, honestly. I'm sort of an obsessive person. If left to my own devices, I could easily allow my house to fall apart around me and ignore my children while I worked on my project. So while I know that a perfect balance is never possible, I do seek balance. I have to remind myself to prepare food for my children or set time limits on my working day.

    Getting help can go a long way, but unfortunately it can't go all the way. In the end you have to be present in your life, even the mundane parts, once in a while. I believe in passion, but it's just not a cure for the potty-training I'm doing with my toddler right now, you know?
  • say whu?! you're not wildly passionate about potty training? gasp.

    I agree fully. At the end of the day it is ALL about presence....which I think is a form of passion, really.
    xo
    D
  • I have mixed feelings about this, honestly. I'm sort of an obsessive person. If left to my own devices, I could easily allow my house to fall apart around me and ignore my children while I worked on my project. So while I know that a perfect balance is never possible, I do seek balance. I have to remind myself to prepare food for my children or set time limits on my working day.

    Getting help can go a long way, but unfortunately it can't go all the way. In the end you have to be present in your life, even the mundane parts, once in a while. I believe in passion, but it's just not a cure for the potty-training I'm doing with my toddler right now, you know?
  • Oh D you done it again!
    This puts me in mind of an awesome guy I worked with for 8 years Lenny Zakim (google him folks- this guy rocked- they even named a bridge after him!). He was all about passion -for his kids and his mission and his friends -and his life was exahusting to watch let alone live. Then he died only a few years past his 40th birthday and I can say with confidence that he squeezed every moment out of the life he was given and gave back to so many because of it.
  • I needed this today Danielle. Just moved house, chaos everywhere but loving what I do for the first time in a long time. And I can beat myself up all day because I haven't done everything PERFECTLY.

    We just have to give ourselves permission to stand on the seesaw and dance like crazy women instead.

    Thank you for reminding me that the contrast and chaos is really what I adore, and feed on, and what makes me the gorgeous beast that I am.
  • gorgeous beasts unite.
  • Incredible insight Danielle! Love this one!
  • One of your best ever! A perfect example of how a reframe can change your life. The kind of balance I aim for is not to let the passion for one thing make me burn out so much I haven't the physical health or energy left for my other passions. I accepted long ago that I have a pretty obsessive, compulsive nature and a creative drive my own birth family was never able to understand. My own kids are learning as they grow up that passion is good.
  • kirstenalana
    SOOOOOOOOO needed this today!!
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